So, I am finally home. Although, if you'd ask most people, it is quite surprising that I'm already home. In some ways it felt like weeks that I was in the hospital, but it also feels like it was just yesterday that I had the surgery. Things have been moving very rapidly.
I mean, it was literally one month ago TODAY that I had the ultrasound that lead to the doctors finding the cancer. That just seems crazy to me. One month ago I was complaining about how my boobs wouldn't fit into a cute shirt, and now I have no boobs. Weird how things work.
Everything went fine with the surgery. I wasn't really able to update too much there because I had to do it on my phone. I hate typing on my phone. Texting, facebook statuses, etc. I just hate typing on the phone. Now, I am updating this blog via computer. Specifically my new macbook pro. I guess cancer does have its perks (haha).
In terms of surgery, I'm in WAY less pain overall than I thought I would be. I truly hardly feel any pain at all. All of the doctors and nurses told me that I was healing very quickly and that I had a great attitude. To be honest, I do have a great attitude, but lately it has been hard to keep it up. I think now I am finally just getting scared. I'm scared of the long term. Because I don't have a lot of pain, and because I no longer have breasts for the breast cancer to hang out in, it should be all good, but there is still some sort of lingering fear there. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but it is there.
At this point, I know after my 4-6 week recovery, I will definitely be needing chemo therapy. I'm not sure how much or for how long, but they do think it will be around 4 months. I will most definitely be losing my hair--at least that is what the oncologist wants me to prepare for. That, I am ok with. What I am not ok with is cancer. As long as we can do whatever possible to get the cancer out of my system, I don't really care what I look like when all of this is said and done.
There were a few things that were AWESOME about coming home today, though.
1. Taking a shower. I hate not washing my hair. Being told that I could take a shower as soon as I came home was kind of awesome. I took advantage.
2. Hugging Marie. Today was a day that everyone needed to hug their kids a little bit tighter, and I was glad that I was able to with mine. I was worried that I couldn't, or that she wouldn't understand, but she was really good about everything.
3. Being able to wear clothing instead of a hospital gown. That was a big one, for all of the obvious reasons.
When I did take a shower, at first I tried not to look in any mirrors. I was told that it was going to be some big emotional reveal. I'd love to say that when I did eventually look, I was strong and said "Pshhh, this is no big thing". I'd love to say that, but I can't. When I looked, I really wasn't surprised, but it was when Troy looked that I became emotional. See, this was a part of me that used to be "attractive" to him. I got slightly worried that it would change the way he saw me. It may have changed some things for us, but I don't think I need to be worried anymore. Seeing the gigantic scars barely made him flinch. He just helped me get out of the shower, put on new gauze, and get all covered up. Just like that: it was no big deal.
Troy has been amazing through all of this. Absolutely amazing. I know you are reading this, Troy, and you should know that you are such a big support system for me. His attitude has been amazing. I truly think that this experience, while it isn't one I would choose, will make us so much stronger as a family.
The rest of my family has been awesome as well. The help that we have received at home and at the hospital has been amazing. I love you all, and I know that the support will not change or falter as this process continues.
I feel like I have a lot more to say, but I think the pain meds are kicking in and I'm getting quite drowsy. On that note, I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll post more tomorrow.
Nite nite.
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