Foreign Objects

So.  The past two days have been odd.  They have been good in terms of family, holiday "cheer", and all that crap.  But, in terms of recovery/cancer stuff...not so hot.  I feel...odd.  There isn't really a good word to describe the way I feel, so I'll just say odd.  Because I'm not sure how I feel, and I can't put words to the physical feelings that I have going on, I get mopey....like really mopey.  This is really the first time in the past month that I have been truly unhappy about all of the changes.   I've been in a funk all day, and it is Christmas Eve.  Let's try to figure out why (besides the obvious).

1. I'm still in pain (I was able to get a refill, so I can keep the pain under control; however, I like to try to avoid taking the medicine when I can, so I only take it when I really need it.  
2. My left breast (sorry--boob talk is going to happen on this blog--and I actually think I've avoided it for the most part until now) is really swollen.  When they took the drain out, the fluid began to build up and now it feels huge.  I know this is normal, but I don't like it.  
3. My right side still has the drain in it, and it's annoying.  Really annoying.  It's itchy and red and irritated.  Now, it's the holidays, so I can't call to ask the doc if it's infected or not.  My antibiotic ran out, and I'm not sure if they want me to take more (they said as long as the drains were in, yet there isn't a refill for it, so I'm confused).  anyway...because the drain is still in on this side, it is not swollen like the right, so I'm lopsided.  I swear I have an A-cup on one side and a C-cup on the other.  Annoying.  
4. Can't move my right arm as much I want to.  I can't lift it, I can't reach out too far, I can't reach behind me.  It sucks.  Also, I have a swollen patch up near my armpit that is just odd.   Also annoying.   
5. Showering sucks.  I can't reach my arms up to wash my hair, so it always feels gross and greasy. It sucks.  When I get out I feel clean for a total of 10 minutes, and then I feel gross again.  
1. Side note to showering.  SHAVING MY ARMPITS.  I have to say it.  I know it is gross to talk about, but it absolutely sucks.  I can't reach my armpits very well, so it makes it very hard to shave them...PLUS, on my right side I'm not even supposed to use a real razor because of the risk of lymphedema, so I have to use an electric one, which never works. 
6. Picking up Marie.  I'm at the point where some of my strength is back and I want to lift Marie up or let her sit on my lap and snuggle, but I can't quite do it.  I've had her sitting on my lap, but she doesn't get it, and occasionally will slam her head back into my chest....ouch.  
7. Getting dressed.  Nothing fits.  Most of it feels too tight, even though it isn't.  I feel like everything hangs on me weird.  Miserable.  
8. My body in general.  I feel like my entire torso is filled with foreign objects.  I understand that this is partially true, but it doesn't change the fact that every time I brush against my chest, I feel this giant lump that doesn't belong there.  

Anyway.  I know this was sort of depressing, but the fact of the matter is that I do have cancer, and I'm sad about parts of it at times.  This time, I'm sad about the parts that make me uncomfortable.  That's the issue.  This time around, it really is just about comfort.  Everything above deals with the fact that I am either physically or emotionally uncomfortable with something. 

To end on a happier note, Christmas is tomorrow, and Marie can't wait.  This is the first year that I think she truly understands what is going on.  

  Spoiled much? 

Santa's Milk and Cookies

I'm really doing ok, just bummed out today.  I think it will be awesome to watch Marie open her presents tomorrow and to see how happy she is.  Goodnight all!  Merry Christmas!