Roid Rage...

So.  Roid rage is a real problem.  Like, a real problem.  I get ragey.  Most of my friends know that I can already get ragey, but I recently made the connection that my ragey-ness as of late is due to the roids.  Obviously I'm talking about steroids, but I like saying roids.  I feel like it gives me street cred.

For the taxol, I'm supposed to take my roods for 6 doses.  They start the night before I have chemo.  So, right now, I'm on my 3 day of roids.

I swear...I'll be feeling like this:

Happy, sweet, people want to be around me....and, then, all of a sudden its like, BAM.  I go crazy.  

Not really crazy, but I do get really irritable, with like really small issues.  

Marie: I don't want to wear my socks in bed. 

Me: OK! I don't care what you wear to bed.  

Troy: Hey, can you turn of the light before coming to bed.

Me: FINE!!! I'll just do EVERYTHING around here.  

Dad: I'm at the restaurant waiting for you. 

Me: YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T COMING SO WE DECIDED TO GO LATER, HOW DARE YOU COME TO DINNER WITH US.  

I may be slightly exaggerating some of these exchanges, but you get the point.  I hate it.  The roids make me crazy.  I feel like I'm going to wake up one morning in the middle of a crime scene and I'm not going to remember it....

Ok, so that is DEFINITELY an exaggeration, but still.

I even asked about it at my chemo appointment the other day.  I said, "what exactly to these steroids do for me?  I mean, really, what do they do?"

Nice, sweet Jennie says to me, "They pretty much combat all of the bad symptoms that taxol will give you.  They prevent swelling, nausea, infection, etc., etc....."

After that, I figured I couldn't ask to not take them anymore.

They make me sweat, they make my face bright red, they make me puff up (literally, and figuratively), and they make me ragey.  You wouldn't like me when I'm ragey.  I'm no fun when I'm ragey.  I don't like being ragey.  Now, I have to be ragey 3/7 days per week.  Ugh.

I would keep writing, but I think I feel another rage coming on....


More tomorrow, I guess.

 

Thanks

For those of you who know me, you know that I have no etiquette.  Like, none.  For those of you who are friends with me, you are ok with that.  Or, at least, you pretend to be.

For those of you who don't know me, let me explain two main etiquette issues that I have...

1. I don't RSVP on time (if at all)

I'm seriously that person on most lists that will get that call...you know the one... "Hey, Lisa?  I was just calling to see if you were going to make it to the party/shower/reception/etc.  Hope to see you there!"  Really, they don't hope to see me there, they just want to check me off the list of coming/not coming.  I know it's bad, but I've been this way for a long time. 

2. Thank you notes are often late (if they ever arrive)

My wedding shower was the first time that I really had to write thank you notes.  Well, at least since I was a kid.  I wrote them all, and I was pretty proud of them.  Then, came the wedding itself.  I wrote those, too, and I was really proud of them.  Then came the baby shower...same story.  The ending to all of these stories?  Somehow about 1/2 the thank-you notes made it out the door.  Whether it was because I didn't have the address at the time, or I ran out of stamps, or I just was too plain lazy to walk to the mailbox, it just didn't happen.  Only half made it.  When Troy and I moved back in with my parents, I literally found a grocery bag with WRITTEN thank you notes from all three of these events in the cabinet above my fridge.  They just never got mailed out.    

When all of this started, I thought to myself about the thank-you note fiasco.  I mean, since diagnosis (D-Day), people have done so many generous and kind things for me.  Thank you notes will never be enough, but I do know that it's a start.  I just find it ironic that I am yet again faced with this issue.  I really did think that it would be all over after the baby shower.  I know that there are so many people who have yet to be thanked for their help or support, but I want you to know (if you are reading this) that you are thanked.  I promise.  You may not get a thank you card in the mail within the time that etiquette allows, but my family and I DO truly thank you.

All of this got me thinking about Karma....It's not really a good thing to think about when you have cancer.  Then, you start thinking the "why me" speech.  Do I have cancer because I forgot to send that thank you note in 2007? or 2008?  or 2009?  I kid, I kid.  I mean, yeah, I have cancer, but I don't think that anything I've done put me here.  I don't think that there is some cosmic force that said that I messed up somewhere along the line and that is why I am where I am today.  There are plenty of people who are way better than me and they are in a worse position, and vice versa.

Anyway, just in case the thank you notes are what put me here...here's to EVERYONE I have ever failed to thank..... (and I know it's not enough).

Survivor???

Now that my uterus is done plotting against me (at least for this month), I had some things I wanted to accomplish today.  My amazing friend, Michelle, is taking Marie out for a day of fun while I get to some things around the house, visit my mom (more on that in a bit), and just to give me a break.  She's awesome.  I am so grateful for the amazing support that people have shown me and the family over the past few months.  It is awesome.

Anyway, one of the things that I wanted to do was to submit a "wish" to this website that I heard about from a friend.  Angie did it, so I figured I would, too.  It was actually kind of funny...I sent her the link for the site to see if she was interested while we were around the corner from each other at chemo...she was about to do the same thing to me.  Too funny.

The organization is Bright Pink.  They are doing a promotion called "Fab-u-wish".  Giuliana Rancic is helping out with it.  It was nice to hear her admit on the site that one of the things that made it easier for her was getting dolled up and being pampered.  She admits that the celebrity life style helped with her femininity and helped her to feel pretty.  So, she started this contest.  It's kind of like make a wish, but for adult women.  So, I submitted my wish.  I'm not sure I'll win.  It's kind of a lame wish, but I really don't have anything that I want.  I mean, obviously, I don't want cancer anymore, but that is up to the doctors, not Ms. Rancic.  Plus, these wishes are focused on extravagant celebrity stuff like makeovers, red carpet stuff, etc.  Well, I went with a night or weekend out with Troy.  I wanted to have an extravagant date.  I'm hoping that my wish is humble enough and inexpensive enough to win.  Because well, that would be cool.

Anyway, I was filling out the form to join the site and it has a pull down menu: 

Well, the only one that was close (besides "other", and I HATE "other") was "A breast cancer or ovarian survivor".  That was a hard thing for me to press.  I mean, am I a survivor?  I've heard/used the terms patient, warrior, fighter, etc...but survivor?  Survivor, to me, means that I've already fought and won.  Well, right now, I'm still fighting.  I mean, yeah, I'm surviving, but I haven't reached the end so I haven't survived anything, yet.  I have full confidence that I WILL survive, but right now, to select an option that says SURVIVOR loud and proud?  It felt rather unsettling.  That may not make sense, but it was truly a weird experience.  

Here's to "surviving".

Soft Pretzels.

11 More...
When I went in to the Cancer Center last thursday, I was actually upbeat.  I was excited that I was starting the "last leg" of chemo.  I knew that I had 12 treatments to go, but knowing that after those 12 were over, I'd be done?  That was awesome.

It was a long day.  I had a lot of meds coursing through my veins.  But that was ok, because these meds were supposed to be easier.  These meds were supposed to not have as many side effects.

All things considered, I left the cancer center feeling better than I usually do when I leave.  I didn't feel as tired (well, I was a little bit tired due to the benedryl), I didn't have the chemical smell in my nose--that was a fun side effect.  Overall, I felt ok.  This was going to be an easy three months.

Fast forward to the weekend.  Exhaustion hit.  Absolute exhaustion.  I was just tired, all the time.  Ok, I didn't expect that.  Especially because good ole' doc said "You shouldn't feel as much fatigue".  Liar.

Then, Monday hit.  Yesterday was probably one of the worst days so far.  I was definitely not expecting that.  This was supposed to be easier.

Granted, I got my period yesterday.  If you don't like talk about periods or lady parts, click away, now.  When I was on the pill, I had no cramps, no issues.  My period was short and sweet.  No issues.  Repeat, no issues.  NOW?  It's like my body is revolting against me.  Oh, you have cancer?  Well let me take that really easy time of month for you and make it awful.  Let me make you go crazy with cramps and pms and all things menstrual, because THAT is what you need right now.

Literally I was in bed yesterday with a heating pad on my uterus for the majority of the day.  My poor daughter had no idea what was going on.  Today is not turning out to be much better, but at least she's at school so she doesn't have to witness my crazy.

This is how I feel right now:

She is very descriptive.  But it works.

Combine those period pains with the fact that my muscles all feel like they have been used to the fullest extent possible, and the fact that my fingers and toes are numb and tingling, and you have me.  Today.  Ugh.

Pants on fire

So, recently, I've realized exactly how much I lie to my daughter on a daily basis.  Like literally, daily.  She's at an age where she asks "why", or "how", or "when" ALL THE TIME.  Some times I don't have an answer.  I'll try to say "I don't know," but usually that pisses her off.  A lot.

Here's a typical conversation:

(7:00 at night)
Marie: Mommy?
Me: Yes, Marie?
Marie: Can we go bowling?
Me: Yes, one day we will go bowling?
Marie: No, I saaaaiiiiiiid can we go bowling right NOW?
Me: No, we cannot go bowling right now.
Marie: Why?
Me: It's too late and we have to go home.
Marie: But I want to go bowling right now with the fun shoes and the pink ball.
Me: Marie, I said no.
Marie: (Starting to get upset) But I want to go bowling.

Me: (thinking to myself) I can either A: keep this going and regret making her really mad and getting bedtime off to a really rough start, or I can B: tell her something that will both get the point across that we are not going bowling AND make it so that she is not upset.  I'll go with choice B.  I have cancer, I'm tired, and I'm not doing this all night. 

Me: Marie, the bowling alley is closed.
Marie: Why?
Me: Because all of the bowling people and the bowling balls have to sleep, too.
Marie: Did the close because its their nap time too???
Me: yes, yes they did.
Marie: Are they closed forever?
Me: No, just so that they can sleep.
Marie: So can we go tomorrow.
Me. Ughhhhh.


I seriously tell her things are closed all the time.  I tell her that their are little fairies that come down and put all of her toys to sleep and that is why we don't play with toys before bed.  Sometimes I tell her that her TV is broken so that I don't have to fight with her over why we can't watch a movie.  There are more lies, but I feel like a bad enough mother, and I haven't even gotten to Santa or the Easter Bunny yet.   I think I'm going start a book called Lies Your Mother Told You and give it to her when she's 18, because at that point hopefully I'll be done lying to her.

It actually got so bad when I had all of my doctors' visits, I would tell her that I was going to work.  I would tell her that I was going to the doctor and she would look at me like she would never see me again if I left.  She would get extremely worked up and say things like "I don't want you to be sick anymore," or "I don't want you to go to the doctor, he will hurt you and give you a shot," even though she usually isn't afraid of doctors. I think she saw what things were like after the mastectomy and now just associates that with doctors.  Or maybe it was the first round of chemo, who knows.

Either way, lots of lies....lots of lies.  Sometimes she catches me.  I'll tell her McDonald's is closed and that is why we can't go there for dinner, but we'll drive past one and she'll shout from the back seat "SEE MOMMY! PEOPLE ARE IN THERE EATING FOOD.  THEY ARE NOT CLOSED, I TOLD YOU!!"

I'm going to have so much explaining to do when she gets older.  Ugh.

So innocent. She has no idea about all of the lies she is told....

Note: I am well aware that she looks ANYTHING but innocent in this picture.  In fact, I think she looks as though she is plotting some horrible horrible event.  

First, I want to say thanks for all of the comments.  I like getting them, it makes me feel like I'm actually talking to people out there when I write .

Here I sit, three days post chemo.  I've crossed a milestone.  

My treatment regimen is as follows:

• Double Mastectomy with Reconstruction (in progress)
• 4 rounds of A/C chemotherapy, every other week.  Total: 8 weeks (done!)
• 12 weeks of taxol/herceptin: Last day will be May 30th. 

Now, when talking to that friend of mine who is ahead of me in her treatment, we joke about how people always say "Well, this is going by fast!", or "You're almost done!"  

I will tell you, it does not feel that way at all.  I know that I've finished what is supposed to be the "bad stuff", but when I look at my calendar at May 30, I see nothing but 3 more months of treatment.  3 more months!!!  That is still a long time.  So, if you see me, you can give me a high five for finishing step one of chemo, but do not tell me that I'm almost there.  Ugh.  

• In three months, my daughter will be another year older.  
• In three months, the school year will be over. 
• In three months, the snow that covers the ground will be gone and we will be thinking about summer. 
• The next three months are speckled with weddings, showers, birthday parties, etc.  
• MY next three months will be covered in weekly chemo cocktails with my lovely nurses at the Plainfield Cancer center.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm over the woe-is-me phase, but man, when you look at three months??? It gets pretty depressing.  

It's also weird to think about the fact that when I'm finally done with the last phase of my reconstruction surgery, it will be over ONE YEAR from the date that I was diagnosed.

On one hand, this is all going by quickly, but on the other hand, it is dragging.

I've finally got some things to look forward to, so that is nice.  Now that everything is fine, I can write about what has been happening lately with the family.  My mother decided to get a mammogram recently (a good decision) because of my diagnosis.  She hadn't had one in a while and thought it would be a good idea.  Well, the tech said "we need a better look."  Fast forward a few days and they take a better look.  That tech said "Well, we should probably do a biopsy." Fast forward to appointment with Dr. M (my surgeon), he says "Yep, definitely a biopsy, we'll do one in a week."  Fast forward a week, mom has biopsy, Dr. M says "We'll let you know in a few days."  After those "few days", mom finally gets news that it is benign.

Now, I've played the waiting game before, but for me, I felt like I already knew.  I knew when I walked out of that cold room at the Edwards outpatient center in Plainfield that I had cancer.  People could try to tell me otherwise, or things like "it could be benign", but I knew.  For my mom, it was different.  My sis had to have a lump removed a month or so ago.  Dr. M saw her and said, "I'm 95% sure this is nothing."  It was nothing.  He saw me, and said something along the lines of "I'm pretty sure this is something." It was something.  When he saw my mom, it was "ehhhh, it could be something, but it could be nothing."  The waiting was brutal.  Meanwhile my dad decided to go to the doctor for shortness of breath.  They kept him overnight at the hospital for observation, so that was fun.  Anyway, all of these random things made me think.  #1, Edwards Hospital is making a TON of money off of my family, and #2 I don't think I could handle any more medical problems in this family right now.  Everything turned out fine, but it was freaky knowing that it MIGHT not be.  What was even more scary was the fact that I don't think I could have handled it.  I am too self centered right now.  I joked with my mom that cancer is my thing, not hers.  Well, I got my wish, I won.

Now that all the scariness is out of the way, I am finally starting to look forward to some things.
First, my mom and I made some plans.  This coming weekend is my last "break" from chemo.  Because (as stated above in this incredibly long post) I will be starting weekly chemo as opposed to bi-weekly chemo, I am taking advantage of this break.  I know that I will be feeling at least "ok" by next weekend, so my mom and I are taking a trip.  Troy is going fishing with the guys, and I thought it would be nice to get out of town.  So, we are heading to Mall of America.  Nothing like a little shopping to lighten the mood.

I'm really hoping that taxol won't be so bad because I can't stand the thought of chemo EVERY single week from here until May.  Oh well.