I think that's the wrong way to say it…but I have had this date in my head for a while now…
11-21-12 was a rough day for me. The days (literally, just days) leading up to it were pretty rough, too. Even though I knew what I was going to hear that day, it was still a bit of a shock to hear it confirmed.
11-21-12 was the day I found out for sure that I had cancer. It was also the day that my delusions about just needing a lumpectomy, or a quick surgery were also crushed.
I'll never forget hearing the words from Dr. M…and then immediately asking him, "So will I still be able to take this trip to Disney?" Silly, I know. I think, at that time, I was looking for something a little bit less serious to stress about than cancer. Missing a trip to Disney seemed to be that thing for me (Mind you, I had no idea that I'd be going twice during the following year).
All through my treatment, and through everything I read about cancer--the blogs, the articles, the books, etc.-- I thought about my "cancerversary." It's a word I learned after earning my cancer card. The "ONE year mark". One year since the diagnosis. Sadly, this date falls very close to our actual anniversary.
So, for the past month or so, as Troy and I were getting ready to celebrate six WONDERFUL years together…in the back of my head, "November 21" was a date that was ringing louder. I don't know why. I don't know what I expected. Any time that anything came up for this week, I would think, "well, I don't know, that's my cancerversary…."
As the weeks got closer, it was weirder. Even last week, when I was reading To Kill a Mockingbird out loud to my Freshman English class, I came across the Tom Robinson Trial. This line came up in the book:
"Mr. Tate said, 'I was fetched by Bob—by Mr. Bob Ewell yonder, one night—''What night, sir?'
Mr. Tate said, 'It was the night of November twenty-first. I was just leaving my office togo home when B—Mr. Ewell came in, very excited he was, and said get out to his house
quick…'"
Even the darn book I was reading had that date come up.
When this week actually arrived, I was sure people would say something…"wow it's been a year…"
I didn't want them to, necessarily, but I thought they might. It didn't occur to me until yesterday that this date doesn't really stand out in anyone else's head. Just mine. It's not really a date to be celebrated, so I don't need people to really remember this day. Even my doctor didn't know--not that he should.
When we met three weeks ago, and he said he wanted to see me again, I said "Oh, that's one year after my diagnosis." He looked at me like, "um….ok?"
Well, now that it's here and gone, I feel some weird sense of relief. I don't know why, but it feels good to have made it past that mark.
Now, I'm ready to enjoy the holidays with my family. Happily, they won't be tainted by the "C" word this year. I won't have to get drunk at my mother-in-laws in order to forget the fact that I have cancer. (I can get drunk just because I want to, haha). I won't have to come home on Thanksgiving to see family and friends waiting for me at home awkwardly holding back tears and not knowing what to say. I won't have to walk carefully hug my kid at Christmas because I'm scared of hurting myself, or pulling on the drains post-surgery.
In fact, less than 24 hours after Christmas, we'll be en route to Disney (yes, again). This time, I'll be able to enjoy New Years Eve watching a kick ass fireworks show with my family. I can talk about growing my hair out, instead of chopping it off and shaving it.
I'm looking forward to the holidays this year more than people know. I feel like it's finally come full circle, and even though there are a few loose ends to take care of when it comes to cancer (actually, two loose ends to be exact-my left and right boob), I can move on. I can enjoy this year's holiday season without any sadness or fear or doubt.
Even the darn book I was reading had that date come up.
When this week actually arrived, I was sure people would say something…"wow it's been a year…"
I didn't want them to, necessarily, but I thought they might. It didn't occur to me until yesterday that this date doesn't really stand out in anyone else's head. Just mine. It's not really a date to be celebrated, so I don't need people to really remember this day. Even my doctor didn't know--not that he should.
When we met three weeks ago, and he said he wanted to see me again, I said "Oh, that's one year after my diagnosis." He looked at me like, "um….ok?"
Well, now that it's here and gone, I feel some weird sense of relief. I don't know why, but it feels good to have made it past that mark.
Now, I'm ready to enjoy the holidays with my family. Happily, they won't be tainted by the "C" word this year. I won't have to get drunk at my mother-in-laws in order to forget the fact that I have cancer. (I can get drunk just because I want to, haha). I won't have to come home on Thanksgiving to see family and friends waiting for me at home awkwardly holding back tears and not knowing what to say. I won't have to walk carefully hug my kid at Christmas because I'm scared of hurting myself, or pulling on the drains post-surgery.
In fact, less than 24 hours after Christmas, we'll be en route to Disney (yes, again). This time, I'll be able to enjoy New Years Eve watching a kick ass fireworks show with my family. I can talk about growing my hair out, instead of chopping it off and shaving it.
I'm looking forward to the holidays this year more than people know. I feel like it's finally come full circle, and even though there are a few loose ends to take care of when it comes to cancer (actually, two loose ends to be exact-my left and right boob), I can move on. I can enjoy this year's holiday season without any sadness or fear or doubt.
