Today.

I don't know why, but I've been looking forward to today for a long time.

I think that's the wrong way to say it…but I have had this date in my head for a while now…

11-21-12 was a rough day for me.  The days (literally, just days) leading up to it were pretty rough, too.    Even though I knew what I was going to hear that day, it was still a bit of a shock to hear it confirmed.

11-21-12 was the day I found out for sure that I had cancer.  It was also the day that my delusions about just needing a lumpectomy, or a quick surgery were also crushed.

I'll never forget hearing the words from Dr. M…and then immediately asking him, "So will I still be able to take this trip to Disney?"  Silly, I know.  I think, at that time, I was looking for something a little bit less serious to stress about than cancer.  Missing a trip to Disney seemed to be that thing for me (Mind you, I had no idea that I'd be going twice during the following year).

All through my treatment, and through everything I read about cancer--the blogs, the articles, the books, etc.-- I thought about my "cancerversary."  It's a word I learned after earning my cancer card.  The "ONE year mark".  One year since the diagnosis.  Sadly, this date falls very close to our actual anniversary.

So, for the past month or so, as Troy and I were getting ready to celebrate six WONDERFUL years together…in the back of my head, "November 21" was a date that was ringing louder.  I don't know why.  I don't know what I expected.  Any time that anything came up for this week, I would think, "well, I don't know, that's my cancerversary…."

As the weeks got closer, it was weirder.  Even last week, when I was reading To Kill a Mockingbird out loud to my Freshman English class, I came across the Tom Robinson Trial.  This line came up in the book:

"Mr. Tate said, 'I was fetched by Bob—by Mr. Bob Ewell yonder, one night—''What night, sir?' Mr. Tate said, 'It was the night of November twenty-first. I was just leaving my office togo home when B—Mr. Ewell came in, very excited he was, and said get out to his house quick…'"

Even the darn book I was reading had that date come up.  

When this week actually arrived, I was sure people would say something…"wow it's been a year…"

I didn't want them to, necessarily, but I thought they might.  It didn't occur to me until yesterday that this date doesn't really stand out in anyone else's head.  Just mine.   It's not really a date to be celebrated, so I don't need people to really remember this day.  Even my doctor didn't know--not that he should. 
When we met three weeks ago, and he said he wanted to see me again, I said "Oh, that's one year after my diagnosis."  He looked at me like, "um….ok?"  

Well, now that it's here and gone, I feel some weird sense of relief.  I don't know why, but it feels good to have made it past that mark.  
Now, I'm ready to enjoy the holidays with my family.  Happily, they won't be tainted by the "C" word this year.  I won't have to get drunk at my mother-in-laws in order to forget the fact that I have cancer. (I can get drunk just because I want to, haha).  I won't have to come home on Thanksgiving to see family and friends waiting for me at home awkwardly holding back tears and not knowing what to say. I won't have to walk carefully hug my kid at Christmas because I'm scared of hurting myself, or pulling on the drains post-surgery.  
In fact, less than 24 hours after Christmas, we'll be en route to Disney (yes, again).  This time, I'll be able to enjoy New Years Eve watching a kick ass fireworks show with my family.  I can talk about growing my hair out, instead of chopping it off and shaving it.  
I'm looking forward to the holidays this year more than people know.  I feel like it's finally come full circle, and even though there are a few loose ends to take care of when it comes to cancer (actually, two loose ends to be exact-my left and right boob), I can move on.  I can enjoy this year's holiday season without any sadness or fear or doubt.  

 

What I think about pink...

Well, it's October.  I've known the month was coming for a while now.  All of September...I could feel it lurking around the corner.  I've been wondering how I would feel when it got here.  

I'm honestly not sure how I feel.  

My school's volleyball team is doing a "Pink" out game where they are donating money (in my name) to breast cancer research.  I am really honored to be a part of that, and I am glad that these kids and the people involved can attach a face to the cause that they are supporting.  I like that they are able to do that now.  

However, with all of the other "pink" that I'm seeing everywhere...I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

I haven't posted on here in a while.  Cancer hasn't really been a part of my life for the past few months.  That's a good thing.  I know that it still hides in various nooks and crannies of my life, but overall, I've been focused on other things.  Good things.  

Work.  Family.  Life.  

So, when I turn on Ellen today, and see a giant pink ribbon on her logo...and I go to the grocery store and my favorite products are pink (to support a good cause of course), It just serves as a reminder.  Oh yeah....f you cancer.  

Here's what I think...

1.  There are other types of cancer.  A lot of other types.  Why is there a month JUST for breast cancer.  Why can't we all just say screw cancer all together and beat them all.  I mean, I'm all about the boobies, but come on. 

2.  When you are buying that pink football jersey, or that pink water bottle, or the pink lunch box, or the pink sports bra, or whatever, look at where your money is going.  If you are buying it because it's cute and pink, then buy away.  If you are buying specifically to give your money to the cause, make sure it's actually going to that cause.  

I've had people ask me how I feel about the pink ribbon now that I'm a "survivor".  I've even had people tell me "You'll have a new appreciation for it down the road".  Lately, the pink ribbon is just too much for me right now because everything is still so raw.  I mean, I still have the tan from radiation.  BUT--I don't think that my feelings about it will change.  I don't think that I'm suddenly going to look at a pink ribbon and swell up with gratitude for life, or appreciation for the cause.  I don't think that seeing a pink ribbon is going to make me want to walk for 3 days (although I do appreciate all the people who do that kind of thing-it is something that I feel I may have done at some point if I wasn't diagnosed).  I don't think that the pink ribbon will ever be more to me than just a reminder that I had cancer.  I've donated enough of my time and energy to cancer for quite a while, and i don't feel that I need to give back to the cause just yet.  I know that this may come off as rude and bitchy, but hey...if I'm offending you, read something else.  I want my life to get back to normal, and unfortunately just as it has started to, I get reminded why I'm avoiding the color pink.  I mean, I was never a HUGE pink fan, but I do have pink clothing.  I have actually had people ask me if I'm wearing pink for a new reason lately.  No.  I'm wearing pink because it was a clean shirt in my drawer and I thought it looked cute with these jeans today.  That's it.  

Again, it's for a good cause, and this is just me venting because I think my house has enough pink ribbons to supply an entire colony, but I think we should be aware of all cancers all the time.  My feelings towards the pink ribbon haven't changed, but my feelings towards life have, and I don't need the ribbon to remind me of that.  I feel that we should be aware that everyone could have something very difficult going on for them in their life.  Something like cancer, or something different that is affecting their family just as much. 

End of an era..

I seriously feel like that's what this is.  

I mean, it's been a LIFETIME since I said goodbye to my classroom and the amazing people I work with.  I've been off work for a total of 8 months.  That's like, an entire school year. 

 

I feel very conflicted about going back.  I mean, I'm ready.  Really ready.  I need the routine.  I need the adult contact.  I need the distraction from the every day monotony that has become my life.  I'll miss my flexibility though. I'll miss the every day interaction with Marie...watching her learn/grow/play/laugh/live.  I know I'll still be able to do that, but watching her at home all this time has been great.  

It's kind of funny...I see people posting about how summer was so short, or how they aren't ready to go back to school, or how each year the school year comes faster and faster, blah blah blah.  Me?  I'm like "yay! school!" I know that I'll regret saying that, but I really am ready for the year to start.  The start of this year is so much more to me than it used to be.  This year, it really means that I can move on with my life without cancer.  Sure, there will be a lot of appointments, and followups left, but overall, I'll hopefully be going back to just being "Mrs. Marcum."  That's what I'm ready for.  

The first few weeks will be interesting.  It's already started (and it's ok).  People I haven't seen in a while, who may not read this, are wondering how I'm doing, what's left of my treatment, if I'm still feeling side effects, etc.  Some people were even under the impression that I wasn't coming back.  Ouch.  

It's almost like I'm going through the diagnosis part all over again.  What I mean, is that I'm telling the same "story" over and over again because I'm getting the same questions...which is kind of what happened at the beginning.  

Also, all over again, I'm realizing more and more what I won't say to someone in my situation.  I know that everyone means well, but comments like "I'm jealous", or "Wow, it's seems like this time has just flown by" are things that I don't really want to hear.  Don't be jealous of me.  Seriously.  I know you mean well, but whether you are jealous of my time off (for TREATMENT and SURGERY), my hair, or my future boobs, it's just not worth it.  Don't. be. jealous.  I would trade anything to get my old life back.  To be me, without the flashing "I have/had cancer" sign.   And about time just "flying by"...Again...I know you mean well, but maybe it has flown by for you, but for me, it seems like an eternity.  And it's still going.  I still have herceptin every 3 weeks, I still take pills every day that are supposed to save my life, I still have to have another surgery, and I'll be following up with doctors and nurses probably for the rest of my life.  So no, it hasn't flown by for me.  I'm still waiting for it all to be over.  

So, to review...school will be a welcome distraction for me, and it will allow me to get started on moving on with my life.  Deep down, I'm really happy about the school year starting...but, to help out my fellow teachers, I'll pretend to be miserable with you as we get back into the swing of things.  :)

I'll have to check my planner...

It's been a while.
Yet again.

And, yet again, my father is the one bugging me to post.

A good friend told me that it's a good thing that I'm not posting as much because it means that the cancer (the reason for this blog) isn't taking over my life anymore.

I thought about that for a second, and I really do wish that were true.
True, I really do feel like the hardest part is over.  However, now I feel like every time I go to make plans for the future, I'm somehow factoring cancer in.

Let me explain.

Going back to school in the fall.  I have to plan all of my appointments (follow-ups, pre-surgery, herceptin infusions, occupational therapy, etc) so that they work within my school schedule.  Add to that the dentist visits (for me AND Marie), my yearly female doc visit (I'm soooo looking forward to that one), and the fact that I should probably see my endocrinologist at some point and you have a very busy schedule.

Since June 17th, I have had an appointment every day for radiation.  At first, it wasn't that bad.  It was just a quick in and out appointment.  The length of these appointments hasn't changed, but the tediousness and the repetition is starting to get to me.  It's really annoying.  I tried to schedule it for as early as possible, but it still seems like it is smack in the middle of my day, plus it makes me soooo tired.  Like unbearably tired. Like I feel like I never want to crawl out of bed tired.  Then, my OT wants to see me twice a week now...annoying, but probably necessary.  Then, every three weeks, I have my herceptin infusion which is only supposed to be a half-hour, yet somehow winds up taking at least an hour of my day.

I hate the fact that I'm looking forward to going back to work, but I am.  Obviously, I am looking forward to seeing friends every day that I haven't seen in a while--I do miss my co-workers.  I am looking forward to having a great group of students this year (I'm being optimistic).  But mostly, I'm looking forward to having something else to focus on other than my cancer (even if it is grading, meetings, parent conferences, and all the other fun things that go along with teaching).

I also would like to get back to where I was in terms of my weight... I know, I know...."you shouldn't be worrying about that now" is what soooo many people say.  Or "You have an excuse, look at what you've been through/you're going through."  That doesn't matter to me, that still doesn't change the fact that I have put on more weight that I ever have (besides pregnancy).  I joined a 6-week challenge...the first two days, I have really sucked.  I'm just so tired.  I'm eating better.  I'm still doing weight watchers, but I just can't seem to get motivated to get active.  Hopefully that will change soon.

The doctor did raise my thyroid medication.  My TSH (whatever hormone the thyroid produces) levels are really low...and they've been getting lower and lower each week. This could be the culprit for the weight gain AND the lethargy (Although the radiation is definitely a factor in the fatigue).
****

On a positive note, I have much more hair lately.  Today, I even went without a hat all day.  It was interesting.  People still stare, but I'm used to that.  I'm hoping that by going hatless most of the time I will increase the chance that by the time I go back to work I will have a hairstyle that looks (at least at first glance) as though I chose it on purpose.

I also found out yesterday that my surgery date for my implants will be January 17th (tentatively).  Happy 30th Birthday to me! It's much later than I hoped, but I guess my surgeon having a full schedule is a good thing, right?  That means a lot of people want whatever it is that he's got (that was not meant as dirty as it came across).

I have been enjoying my time home with Marie.  She's pretty funny, actually.  And I don't just mean like, "oh she's a child, she's funny."  I mean, she has an actual sense of humor now.  She makes jokes, and I laugh.

I know it has been a while (yet again) since my last post.  Things have been pretty mundane for the most part.

Every day I go in, lift my arm above my head, turn to the left and wait for the beams to slowly burn my skin.  I am now 16 treatments into my 28 treatments, and I am now starting to feel the side effects.  My skin is a bit irritated, pink, and itchy.  My underarm is burnt and irritated and it hurts slightly when I rub against it.  Also, I'm tired.  Like, really tired.  I wake up in the morning and can barely get out of bed.  Usually by the time I get going, I feel alright, but I still feel as though a nap would be awesome.

Overall, I can't complain.  I have 12 more left, and I'm sure it will get worse, but either way, it is one step closer to being DONE with cancer.  I'm ready for the next phase of my life to start.

Life Lessons

Cancer has taken a lot away from me.  A lot.  Slowly but surely, I am getting it all back.

I'm finally feeling like myself again.  I feel like the chemo has finally exited my body.  I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I could slowly sense that it was leaving.  It was an odd feeling.

Now, if only my damn hair would grow faster.  Any suggestions?

With as much as cancer has taken from me, you'd think I'd resent it.  You think I'd be bitter all the time (I am bitter some of the time, and jealous--but that's another post).  However, I'm not.  Despite the thefts, cancer has also taught me a great deal.  Some of these things include (but are not limited to)

How to apply make up better
Before cancer, I rarely put on more than concealer and mascara.  Now, to preserve the femininity that I have left, I put on a great deal more than I used to.  Sometimes, I'm actually pretty good at it.  
How to draw eyebrows on my face (this is very different from makeup)
I never thought I'd have to do this, but I have become rather skilled in the arena. 
How to tie scarves
I hope that I may finally be done with this. 
Medical lingo
herceptin, heparin, tamoxifen, CT scan, echo, lymph system, lymph nodes, lymphatic massage...etc
An EXTREME appreciation of nurses and medical staff
Seriously, I cannot stress this enough (I've said it before, I know, but it's just THAT true)--to all my nursing friends, I love you!  
How to check my modesty at the door
I've always said that after you give birth, modesty kind of goes out the window.  Doctors see much more of you than you'd like and you learn to be ok with it.  However, with breast cancer, it's much worse.  It's gotten to the point that when I walk into any medical office, I get the urge to start taking off my shirt.  I'm afraid that one day, I'll walk into the dentist and start stripping.  
How to accept help, charity, money, friendship, etc. 
I think it's our natural instinct to want to provide for our own and for ourselves.  When people offer to help, we initially want to say "No, I've got this".  For the most part, I did have this.  However, sometimes I needed to accept the help.  While I'm on the topic, thank you to all of you who were specific about how you wanted to help.  It was very hard to respond when people would ask "let me know what I can do."  At times, I barely know what I need, let alone enough to tell someone else.  
Which brings me to the next point...
How to GIVE help:
Now I know if I have a friend or family member go through something like this how to provide.  I know not to ask what to do, but instead to just DO.  "Hey, I'll watch your kid for a few hours so you can sleep", "Hey, Here's dinner, cook it tonight, or tomorrow, this way you won't have to".  Etc.  
Priorities
I used to stress over a lot (and I still sorta do), but now I know what is important.  Spending time with my family, making sure I am healthy.  That's what is important, and even as life goes back to normal, I will maintain that mentality.  

I've learned a lot from cancer. It's really sad that it takes something like this to make you not only realize what is most important, but to LIVE like you realize it.

Recently, I've also learned (not due to cancer), that no matter how well you live your life, or how much you do for others, people will still be there to shit on you (metaphorically).  I feel like life throws these little tests at us for a reason.  BUT, I do know one thing.  In the end, the important people, the ones who really care, your real family (even if it may not be by blood) will be there for you.  The ones that matter most will support you.

Pre-Radiation Vacation Sensation

Sorry...Had to rhyme...I was going to keep going, but I couldn't think.

I have to say.  I love road trips.  I was really nervous about going on this one.  I know I seemed excited, but truth be told, I was anxious and nervous to get going.  My family can attest to this.  I was a royal bitch on the day we left, and they caught the worst of it--sorry fam.  We got on the road at about 3:30.  I sat in the back to sleep.  I was exhausted.

It was fun.  We laughed about the fact that we didn't really get out Will County until about 5:00 because we had to keep stopping.  I feel like some road trips start that way, you get in the car, get going, and forget something, or get hungry, or have to pee.  Ugh.

I have to take a quick detour from the road trip so that I can explain something.....So I'm not quite ready to go topless out in public.  I know I shouldn't care, but I'm just not there yet.













HAH!  You probably thought I was talking about my boobies.  Nope.  My head.

I apologize for the duck face, but I was sending my sis a pic of me in this new shirt she bought for me, so I was being silly.  When I tried to take another non-duck face picture, I kept getting a double chin.  So this is the one that is being posted on this blog.  Deal with the duck face.

So, even though the hair is growing back, I'm still wearing the wraps.  In the car, though, I take it off.  It's supposed to be better for the hair growth.  Well, every time we stopped, I would quickly remember my wrap and tie it back on.  One of the stops, though, I did it quickly without looking in the mirror. I walked into the gas station, bought my snacks, and then took Marie to the bathroom.  When I took her to wash her hands, I saw myself in the mirror.  Wow.  I looked like a member of the KKK.  The back part of my wrap was sticking straight up and down in the air and went to a point at the top.  It was awful.  No idea how long I walked around like that.  Ughhhh.


Anyway, here are some photos of the road trip.

 On our way!

 Happy camper!!

 Trying on her ears (even though she still doesn't know where we are going...)

 Me watching Arrested Development in the back of the van :)

Marie playing  with the magnet toys I made her...Yes, I'm crafty.  

 Dad trying to get comfy...It didn't work out so well.  

 Troy finally getting some rest. 

 Marie enjoying one of the TWO movies she watched during our 20 hour drive.  That's it, TWO!!

 The entire back seat was sleeping...so cute.  You can see my mom's midsection--she's in the way back.  I love this pic because Troy and Marie have the same position. :)

 Giant Peanut in Georgia.  'nuf said. 

No, this isn't a scene from Final Destination 2,456,342.  This was us behind a giant log truck.  We almost died.  

 It's not coffee...just juice, but still cute.  We were at our "fake" hotel, which turned out pretty awesome.  

Finally sleeping in a real bed...looks so comfy.  

Week in Review...

So the other day, my sister looks at me and says

"Um, you have to update your blog."

I said, "I know, I know."

I don't know why, but I haven't felt like writing lately.  I haven't really felt like being on the computer.  It's not a bad thing, I've just been really busy.  I think I'm keeping myself busy on purpose.  If I'm super busy, I can't think about all of the things that are stressing me out.  I think for some reason, this week has stressed me out.  I have had so much going on, and so many important things going on.  It's not over yet, but it will be soon.  I even had to cancel lunch plans with a great friend that I hadn't seen in a while.  There was just too much to do.
I had/have a lot of doctor/medical appointments this week.  I was super nervous.  Why was I nervous?  Well, we are leaving for Florida in a few days, and I didn't want to tell the oncologist that.  I didn't want to tell any of my medical people this (docs, nurses, receptionists, etc).  Why, you ask?  Well the last time I planned on going to Florida, I was told no because I had to have major life changing surgery.  You can understand if I was a little apprehensive about sharing my vacay plans with my docs.

When I met with my medical oncologist a few weeks ago, I found out that I could start radiation much sooner than planned.  I thought I was going to have to work during radiation.  This was a good thing.  However, when he told me my potential "start" date, Troy and I looked at each other like "uh-oh".  It went like this:
Doc:  You can start as early as the 10th.  Well, we will be in florida then...
Troy and Me: Exchange awkward glance....
Doc: Is there something you want to tell me?
Me: We will be out of town then...  note that I said "Out of town" 
Doc: Oh, that's fine, you can just start the following week.
Me: Phew. 
Doc: Where are you going?
Me: looks at Troy...Florida...
Doc: Oh, so you weren't planning on being hot enough here?  You had to go somewhere hotter?  Hahahaha.

Phew.  Awkward convo over.  He didn't tell me no!  Yay!

Fast Forward to this week.   

Monday: Radiation Oncology appointment.  This appointment was just to make sure I was doing well and to plan out radiation.  I was extra nervous about hiding my vacation plans.  I don't know why, I just didn't want him knowing.  I didn't think he'd react well to me saying that I was going to be in hot florida sun just before radiation.  Here's how that convo went:

Doc: So, we have to have this 900000 minute long appointment that we have to schedule, followed by a two week planning period, and then we can get you started.
Me: Well....I am going out of town next week.
Doc: That's ok, we'll do the 9000000 minute long appointment this week, and you don't have to be here for the planning period.  We can start radiation the following week.
Me: Sounds good.

Now is the part where he goes into detail about all of these appointments and what to expect.  Note: I love my radiation oncologist.  He explains things so easily, he's easy to talk to, and overall I just feel really comfortable about what his plans are.  Great doc.  
As he explains everything, he looks at me and all of a sudden says "Are you planning on coming back from your trip all sunburned?"
Right away, I respond: "Nope."

That was it.  I know, I know.  I should have told him where I was going, but I didn't lie.  I'm not planning on getting sunburned.  I bought 1000000 SPF sunscreen in every style (lotion, spray, drink, etc), I have a sun hat the size of the moon, and I bought several awesome t-shirts that cover up my whole "chest wall" (that's where all the magic will happen).  So, I feel comfortable with the fact that I told him the truth.  I plan on taking really good care of my skin while I'm gone.  I don't plan on "laying out" in the sun for too long.  Plus, my skin doesn't really burn easily.

Tuesday:  Marie has had this crazy cough lately.  I thought to myself the other day, I wonder if it's an ear infection...but she isn't complaining about her ears.  Oh well, we are going on a vacation, better safe than sorry.  I booked an appointment for her just in case.  Turns out, yep, it's an ear infection.  So we got her started on antibiotics and we are good to go there.

Today (Wed.): I have a physical therapy appointment, which is really just a nice massage (I'll post more about that later--this post is turning out to be longer than I intended).  After that, I have to go to the "Simulation" appointment for radiation.  I plan on writing a post where I explain radiation, the lymphatic massage, etc. in detail.  It'll be easier to understand.

Tomorrow (thurs.):  Herceptin.  Tomorrow at 9:00 will be my first treatment of herceptin on its own.  The study that I'm in studies the effects of herceptin on patients with a low level of the HER2 protein.  It's supposed to be beneficial.

HER2+ cancer: HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells make an excess of HER2 due to a gene mutation. This gene mutation and the elevated levels of HER2 that it causes can occur in many types of cancer — not only breast cancer. This is a gene mutation that occurs only in the cancer cells and is not a type of mutation that you can inherit from a parent. (mayoclinic.com) 

My cancer is ER+/PR+/HER2-.  Herceptin is the medication used to treat HER2+ patients.

Trastuzumab (Herceptin). Trastuzumab, which specifically targets HER2, kills these cancer cells and decreases the risk of recurrence. Trastuzumab is often used with chemotherapy. But it may also be used alone or in combination with hormone-blocking medications, such as an aromatase inhibitor or tamoxifen. Trastuzumab is usually well tolerated, but it does have some potential side effects, such as congestive heart failure and allergic reaction.

Now, before you worry about the side effects, I've already had this drug for the past 12 weeks.  Plus, I got an echocardio gram before starting it, and I'll be getting another one done when I get back from florida, so they are monitoring me for the "potential side effects".  This week, I'll just be getting it on its own.  I'll have it ever 3 weeks for the next 9 months. This is NOT chemotherapy, but I do have to get it in my port, so it's kind of like I'm still getting chemo.  There are basically no side effects (besides heart failure, haha--but I would know if that would happen to me).

After I get my half-hour cocktail of herceptin, it'll be time to load up the van.  we plan on leaving whenever Troy gets home from work, and I will be taking the first shift.  Yes, we are driving.  Yay for us!

Expectation:

Reality:

I will be bringing my laptop so that I can post from the road.  I'll make sort of a "play by play" of the drive, if I'm up to it. 

That's all for now.  

Happy Memorial Day!

I want to start this post of with some apologies. 

1. I am sorry for not posting.  I know that a lot of people have been asking about me and wondering how I'm doing (or maybe I'm just vain and think people are asking about me and such), but I have just not really had the desire to get on the computer at all let alone make a blog post.  

I feel like for a while nothing has really been different.  Especially now that I'm getting the same treatment every week, so really nothing changes week to week.  I like routine, but I'm definitely ready for a change.  

Which brings me to my next apology:

2. At the start of all of this I was making plans, having coffee, lunch, dinner, playdates, etc.  I wanted to keep myself as busy as possible.  Things are winding down, and lately I've been avoiding making too many plans.  So, if you've tried to get together with me recently, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm avoiding it.  I just am enjoying the down time.  

I haven't quite felt like myself lately.  I've realized that chemo changes a lot.  I'm not shooting for sympathy points, but I am shooting for reality here.  I think people think about the hair loss, and the "sickness" and that's pretty much it.  In reality, I feel like I have done a physical 180.  I know I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff, but the way I look has taken a huge toll on me emotionally (probably a huge reason why I don't want to go out and make a ton of plans).  

First, there's the hair loss.  I'm ok with that now, it's just annoying.  It is growing back already, which is exciting, but that was a big part of my looks that went away.  

Also, my breasts.  It's very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I feel as though they will never feel/look the same again.  The expanders that I have in right now are doing the job of making room for the implant, which won't go in until September at the earliest.  The expanders go in behind my muscle, but in front of my ribcage.  This is because I need something else between the skin and the implant to hold the implant in.  

(above) This is the expander itself.  It has a dark area that is a magnet which shows the plastic surgeon where to inject the saline.  I had my last saline injection back in February.  We'll see if I get to go bigger, haha.  

(Above) This is how it will look.  The one on the left is with the expander.  They are really firm and uncomfortable.  It feels like I'm wearing a too-tight bra ALL THE TIME.  They also have seams/pockets that feel really funny from the outside.  I know this part makes no sense, but there are areas that feel like rippling plastic.  It's weird.  The one on the left is with the implant.  So once the muscle is lifted from the chest wall, there will be room for my implant.  This won't be until around September or so.  We will see.  I just can't wait.  

In other news, this Thursday marks my LAST official chemotherapy treatment.  I can't believe it is only three days away.  If something gets in the way, I will be super upset.  So, mother nature: No flooding, no crazy heatwaves that cause the power to go out, basically NOTHING that gets in the way of getting me in that chair on Thursday.  

I have noticed that the side effects have gotten worse as time goes on, which makes me that much more excited for this to be over.  Overall, I've felt ok with the taxol, but there are some things that I won't miss.  

Here they are: 

• Going through insane amounts of kleenex.  I have had a constant runny nose/congested sinus system since January.  I'm ready for that to be over.  I feel as though I have personally contributed 100 used boxes of kleenex to my local landfill.    
• Daily bloody noses.  I wake up EVERY morning with a bloody nose, and depending on whether or not I blow my nose, I may get several.  
• Muscle fatigue.  I wake up in the morning (usually on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday after treatment) feeling like I have walked around a theme park all day. My feet hurt, my legs are sore, and I just don't want to move.  The worst part is, I'm not tired, I'm just sore.  
• Numbness.  Overall numbness.  I got it at first after the surgery, then with taxol, I started to get it in my finger tips.  It went away.  Then, the doc says "Do you get any numbness or tingling in your feet?"  Me: "Nope, my feet are fine."  Now, my right foot has been numb since that day.  Weirdest feeling ever.  Sucks. 
• Weight gain.  Enough said. 
• Not having eyebrows.  I have always had pretty thick eyebrows.  So when I was told that taxol would make them thin out, I was kind of ok with it.  But now, I have to use a brow pencil so I don't look like a crazy person.  I have such a scattered array of eyebrow hairs that I have to fill them in.  
• Eyelashes falling out.  I tried to keep it at bay at first, but then I realized it was a lost cause.  Luckily, I only lost some of my eyelash hairs.  I can still put mascara on and not look totally weird.  However, I lost most of the hairs on the bottom lashes, and now they are kind of growing back in.  It's pretty weird because it makes my eyes itch like crazy.  They are these little darts made of hair sticking out of my lower eyelid.  I just noticed them today.  

I know this is a weird picture, but this is what my eyebrows and eyelashes look like without any  makeup.  Not horrible, but those lower baby lashes that are coming in are irritating the crap out of my eyes, haha.  

• Tying scarves.  I won't want to look at another scarf for a LONG time after this.  I'm glad it's summer and I'll get a bit of a break before having to see them again.  My hair is starting to grow back, however, and I'm excited about that.  

I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining.  

This is how much I have changed since September.  Crazy, right? 

A lot going on...two posts in one day!

First, I'm going to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while.  I want to acknowledge some of the blogs that I've been reading/following since I've been diagnosed.  They have been such a huge help in so many different ways.  Most of the ones I read are listed along the side of my page, so PLEASE check those out.

Some I wanted to pin-point for all of you are right here:

http://fightingfancy.com  This woman is awesome.  She was diagnosed a year ago and within that year, so much has happened to her.  She was exactly my age at diagnosis--even had her birthday right around her first chemo treatment.  I feel that I can really relate to her. PLUS, in that year, she started a non-profit organization sending out chemo care bags around the country.  I even got one! :)

http://www.stupiddumbbreastcancer.blogspot.com 

This woman is great, too.  She is fierce and she's fighting with all she has.  She has become involved in almost every way possible to spread awareness and early detection information.  Good for you, Ann Marie!  

http://www.tarabeatscancer.com   

Tara has started an awesome organization called Writing Saves Lives.  It's a great idea and you should check it out.  I hope that it grows and comes out to the midwest some day.  Way to go, Tara!

*********

The next thing on my list to write about...my big day yesterday.   First, let me start by saying that my parents were out of town.  My mom usually helps with all this stuff, an I appreciate that help so much more now.  

Marie had her "Mother's Day" celebration at preschool yesterday.  I wanted to be able to go, so I made sure to schedule chemo (yes, I had chemo yesterday) for later in the day.  Because of scheduling it so late, I would have to take Marie with me to chemotherapy because I wouldn't make it out in time to pick her up from school.  So, that's how we start.  

Rusty and Duke (the dogs) had an appointment at petco because we had someone come to clean the house.  It's been nice to have that help a few times a month.  So I get Marie in the car, throw the dogs in too, and head out the door.  First, Marie goes to school.  She kind of had a rough day the other day, so I had to talk to her teachers about that.  Then, I rush back to the car, take the dogs to petco.  I had to be back at my house to let in the housekeeper and pay her.  So I get to petco, and find out that they can't take Rusty because he still had his stitches in.  Now, this makes perfect sense, but it doesn't change the fact that I thought "CRAP, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT." Well luckily my bro was ok with me dropping the dog off with him.  Did that, rushed back home, showered (still hadn't done that yet), and let the woman in to clean our house.  Then, I ran out the door to run a few errands before the Mother's Day celebration.  I get to the school and Marie starts out fine and happy.  Then, she turns on me...She was cranky and didn't want to play with anyone.  The kids did this really cute rendition of you are my sunshine for the moms, and my kid didn't even sing a note.  She sat on my lap the whole time. 

All in all, it was a fun little celebration.  

 excited to see me :)

 Giving me my gift 

Marie and Brinley (My cancer buddy's daughter)

Then, we had some time to kill, so we went to lunch, to a park, and to have some FroYo...it's a new fad popping up ALL over the area.  Self serve and whatnot.  

We played checkers...she reminded me the WHOLE time that "Daddy taught me how to play"

She beat the crap out of me.  

Then, off to chemo.  She was pretty good, but it was stressful and difficult keeping her occupied the whole time.  Literally 3 1/2 hours.  She desperately needed a nap, but did not take one.  The crayons and crafty stuff I brought only kept her occupied for so long.  We put in a movie, and she did sit still--mostly--for that.  When they gave me the Benadryl, I seriously was afraid of falling asleep and having my daughter run like a wild woman around the cancer center.  The nurses were great, they talked with her and she did "enjoy" being there.  I think it was good for her to see what I go through every week.  

                   

Pic one: Seemingly happy and coloring                            Pic two: Bored.  I don't blame her. 

Then we went to get the dog and met a friend for dinner back at my place.  At around 8:00, Marie fell right asleep when I put her to bed.  Big day for her I guess.  I made it through about 20 minutes of the Hawks game before crashing myself.  I will say, last night was my first time popping an ativan in a while.  I figured I needed a good night sleep after the long day I had.  

Three Mo'

For those of you who saw my good friend Mallory's facebook post, I feel that I must explain.

Every year, my best girlfriends and I go on a trip somewhere.  For a while, it was the dells every year.  Then we switched it up a couple of times.  Just for fun.  Either way, one year, we stumbled upon a Maury video that has become sort of our mantra for a while.  This girl Victoria just appalled us, but also made us laugh.  We quote it all the time.

Some favorites?  "If I can't afford it, I guess I'm gonna st'il it." (we think she's referring to stealing stuff for her baby"

"pacifiers? I got three mo'"

"That's cool, because I got it like that"

If you are curious, this will help you out.

She's absolutely crazy.  Anyway, this "three mo'" quote has kind of followed us around.  Mal mentioned last week that when I was down to three chemo treatments left, she was going to remember this video, and she did not disappoint.  So we always take a picture like this when we are together:

 So that is the explanation of "Three mo'"

Thanks Victoria, you have given us so much.


So in typical Victoria fashion---
Chemotherapy? That's ok, I got three mo'!!!

I'll keep this short and sweet but I do have a large post for later about my day yesterday, chemo and all. So I'll probably have two blog posts today.  Don't get too excited.

Jekyll and Hyde

Of course, I'm referring to my four-year-old.  Yes.  She is Jekyll and Hyde.  One day she's the best kid in the world and I think to myself "I love this stage."

The next?  Call in the priests, because we may need an exorcism.
Ok, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but not much.

Here's my happy-go-lucky child:

I don't take pictures of her when she's in her demon phases...mostly because I'm afraid the image will show some other being that has possessed her leaving her body...but I did ask her to show me an angry face for the camera a few times.  This is what I got.  

<----Seriously...Father Merrin?  Where are you? 

<------This is mostly her being silly, but you get the idea. 

I have no idea which Marie to expect.  She'll walk in the room in the morning and I place my hands over my face in a defensive manner in order to shield myself from whatever she's going to throw at me (literally, she has thrown things at me) while I wait to see which Marie I am going to see.  

Overall, I've loved being home and spending time with her, but it has really made me question my parenting skills.  I know that she's only 3 (4 in two weeks), and that tantrums and mood swings are normal, but I seriously don't know how to handle discipline in these moments.  

Oh well.  I'll just go to bed and pray every night for moments like this...

Time line

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past seven months.  Seven months.  It has been almost seven months since my life wast turned upside down.  I can't believe how much has happened.  Troy and I often talk about the "pre-cancer" days.  I don't even feel like they exist.  We will be discussing an event, or a situation, and I'll say, "wow, that was before cancer..."  Then, I immediately start thinking about how carefree I was then.  Any worries I had were nothing in comparison to the months that would come.  

• August: Move back in with mom and dad.  We decided to rent our townhouse and during the transition, we thought we'd save some money and move back in with my parents for a while.  We didn't think it would be for that long.  
• September: School started, it was in full swing and Troy was busy trying to find a new job. 
• October: I went in for my yearly gynecologist visit.  It was pretty normal, except for the fact that she found a lump that was probably nothing.  I could either get it checked out or go get an ultrasound.  

After this-I get pretty specific with dates.  

• November 14th: 3 hour Ultrasound turned Mammogram (I think I've talked about that night before) 
• November 20th: biopsy with Dr. M.  (insert longest night of my life here)
• November 21st (day before Thanksgiving): I get the call from Dr. M that we will be moving forward with surgery and chemo and that the tumor did test positive for cancer.  This conversation is a bit of a blur now, but it sparked everything that has happened from that moment to now.  

It is VERY hard to believe that this happened only seven months ago.  It's very hard to imagine life without the big "C" as a part of it.  It feels like it has always been an integral part of my life.  Now, May 7th, the last chemo treatment is only 23 days away, and I'm one step closer to being done with treatment.  People sometimes look at that fact and say to me, "Wow, this has gone by so fast."  

Hah.  I know it's meant to sound positive, but man is that far off.  It has not gone by fast.  In fact, it's not  even over.  It won't be over for a long time.  Even if you took away the fact that I am going to be having herceptin infusions every three weeks for the next year, this whole ordeal will not be over for a a while.  So, no, if you ask me, it has not gone by fast.  

But I do finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  After this Thursday, there will only be three more treatments left of chemotherapy.  That will shortly be followed by five and half weeks of radiation, another surgery AND a year of herceptin treatments, BUT chemo will be done.  

So that, my friends, is something good.  

  

Missing in Action!

So yesterday I get this text from my dad that says "What's with blog face? Missing in action!"

I realized I haven't posted anything in a while.  I guess nothing has really been happening.  I promise though, I'm not missing, I'm still here.

I feel like each week has become kind of a repeat of the last.  Thursday is the "beginning" of my week lately, because I plan/schedule all things around the next chemo treatment.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do when chemo is over, because so much is planned around each Thursday.  Thursdays, my day is usually wiped clean.  I mean, the treatment itself is only 1 hour of taxol and 30 minutes of herceptin, but the day itself is usually a 3-4 hour event.  Luckily, Marie is in school, so I don't feel so bad.  Fridays are usually pretty low key, but the past few Fridays I have been trying to do things with Marie.  Last Friday, for example, we had a picnic with a friend and her kids, this Friday we are having a playdate with Marie's future husband (she has apparently been planning her wedding--there will be flowers and tap dancing).  Saturdays are kind of a crummy day.  That's usually when I start feeling weird.  Tired, achy, etc.  It kind of sucks, but I've gotten used to my weekends being sucky because of cancer, haha.  Sunday is pretty much the same.  Achy, lounging around, blah.  Mondays lately are when I start to feel a bit better.  Tuesdays are ME days.  I usually hole up in my room all day.  Tuesday is the day that Marie has preschool and I don't have plans (usually).  Maybe an appointment here or there, but Tuesdays are for me.  Wednesdays have started to become the day that I have with Marie.  She has swimming lessons in the morning, and we hang out together all day. Today, for example, I'm going to go work out (yes, I'm trying to be healthy, more on that later), take her to swimming, then we are going to have a picnic at the park, just me and her.  She seems excited.  We'll then nap together later today (I'm excited about that part). Then, Thursday is here again.  It is much different having chemo every week versus every other week.  I feel like I barely get time to recover before I'm back in that chair again.

To break up the monotony of the week, I've started going to the gym (at least as much as I'm up to it).  It makes me feel better when I do go.  Makes sense, right?

Cancer has taken a lot away from me.  The thing that I miss the most is control.  I feel as though I have lost control of a lot of things, my hair, my body, my life, etc.  I don't consider myself a vain person, but I do like to take care of my looks.  Cancer has pretty much taken away my ability to control the way I look and the way I feel.  If I complain about any of this out loud, the response I usually get is "but look at what you are going through!", or "You look great! why should you worry about that right now"  I get it.  But here's the thing: I have always been very self aware...I know what looks ok, and what doesn't.  I don't think I have a warped sense of how I look in the mirror.  The combination of a body altering surgery, chemo, steroids, and overall laziness over the past four months has altered the way I look, and I see it.  I don't like what I see.  My face has changed shape, and my body has too.  I don't like it.  I have gained 20 pounds since chemo started.  The nurses tell me "that's good, don't look at the number, blah blah blah."  I understand.  I know they don't want me losing weight necessarily, but I also know that I am not where I want to be.  I'm not saying any of this to get sympathy, I'm just venting, and this is the place to do it, right?

So, I joined weight watchers.  Basically, I just want a healthy way to keep myself on track.  Yes, the steroids are a large reason that I have gained weight and swelled up.  I understand that.  If you see me, don't remind me of that.  This is just one small way for me to start to gain back a little bit of control, and lose a little bit of weight.  I'm hoping that it works, but only time will tell.

It's very hard to look in the mirror every day and see change taking place that you have no control over.  The swelling in my face has been the worst for me.  I have no control over the size of my double chin (and I'm hoping double is as big as it goes...I can't handle triple).  The roundness in my cheeks is out of control.  This is KNOW is from the steroids, so I'm hoping that now that he has lowered my dose of the steroid that it will subside a bit.

My hair is starting to grow back, so that will help.  It's amazing what a head of hair does for looks...This swelling would not be nearly as bad if I could cover it up with some luscious locks.  My wig just doesn't do it for me anymore.

The bright side (to steal from Angie's motto, haha)?  After tomorrow, only four more treatments left.  Hopefully life (and my body) will return slowly back to normal after that.

Marbles

For some reason, there is a lot rolling around in my brain right now.  Because of the fuzzy chemo brain, I get snippets at a time.  I'll start a train of thought, and then it's like the control center of my brain pulls that little switch thingie that makes the train take a different track.  This has always happened to me.  However, I used to be able to switch back as soon as I realized my mind was going off on a tangent.  Now, I'll try to get back on track, and it's like when I turn around, the original track is gone.  

Very strange.  Very strange.  

So strange, in fact, that I can't even formulate a solid thought to write about.  I've been sitting on this blog for a while.  I have a lot on my mind to write about, but every time I start, the train gets de-railed again.  

What I'll focus on today (for as long as I can focus) is my impending doom with this week's chemo treatment.  Yes, it's true that I have had a much easier time with this round of drugs.  I don't have the nausea, fatigue, and overall crappy feeling that the adriamycin gave me.  The overall symptoms that I have been having during this round have been:

• Muscle/Joint soreness and pain
• slight fatigue
• nose bleeds (every freakin' morning)
• leathery fingertips (its been pretty weird)
• Eyelashes/Eyebrows thinning
• Face swelling (probably the steroid)
• Hot flashes (probably steroid)
• Intense hunger at times--causing binge eating (probably the steroid)

That's pretty much it.  Nothing big.  It's actually been pretty easy.  The worst times are usually Saturday evening through Sunday evening.  That's when my lower extremities seem to hurt pretty bad, and I'm pretty weak.  

So why am I so nervous this time around?  (for anyone afraid of lady business and talk of lady things, stop reading) Well, if you are keeping track of my menstrual cycle, which I'm sure you are, I'm coming up on getting that lovely monthly friend.  Why is this important, you might ask? If you remember this post, I had a really rough time the first round of taxol, and I associated it with the fact that I happened to get my period just afterwards.  My doctor, and the research nurses are very surprised that I'm still getting it.  They assumed my cycle would stop and that I would eventually just start early menopause set on by chemotherapy.  I mean, menopause does not equal fun, but after the cramping and horror that happened last month, I might choose it.

So.  I'm going to sit tight for the next few days and strongly hope that I either have a MUCH easier go this time around, or that I start menopause.  Just kidding...sort of.

Making strides

I had another treatment today.  Woohoo.

High blood pressure when I walked in again.  It keeps going up.  I was thinking that it was the herceptin.  I mean they made me do an echo before chemo, again before the herceptin started, AND I'll have another after the taxol.  It made sense.  But when I asked the nurse, she said no.  Then, the research nurse, Anita, mentioned the dex.  That dreaded steroid.  Ugh.

So, today, I told the nurse when she asked about side effects that the steroid sucked.  She laughed, but after learning at my lunch with Angie that she only had to take it for two days, I thought to myself, "Why am I taking it for so long...and taking so much?"  I mean, Angie and I have been given pretty much the same treatment plan all along.  I wasn't jealous, but I was definitely curious, especially because the steroid makes me nuts.  See the previous post if you are curious.

So my lovely nurse went and talked to Dr. H, and that glorious man and that glorious woman worked together to lower my dosage.  Now, I only have to take half the dosage and only 4 times vs. 6.  SO happy.  I'm hoping that will help.

One more treatment down and 7 more to go.  Finally seeing the light.  It's under two months now, which is exciting.

What is even more exciting is that Angie only has ONE more.  I cannot even say how happy I am for her.  Both unselfishly and selfishly.  Unselfishly because she's had a pretty hard time with the chemo and now it will finally be leaving her system and she deserves that SO much.  Selfishly because her being done makes me feel that much closer to being done myself.

Here's us at chemo together probably for the last time (our times are different next week).

Yay, Angie!  I'll miss her at chemo, but her not being there is so great on so many levels!  (She'll understand what I mean by this, I hope)

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.  

Fuzzy

I am titling this "fuzzy" for several reasons.  The first is a good reason.

I HAVE FUZZ.  Peach fuzz.  On my head.  The hair on my head is starting to grow.  Slowly, mind you, but still growing.

I've noticed it for a little while.  A little piece here, or there.  The real treat came on Monday at the gym (yes, the gym...more on that later).  I had just worked out and I was in the locker room changing.  I went to check the mirror and wipe off my sweaty head (that is one weird thing about working out when you are bald...sweaty head).  As I pulled off my hat, I saw something that caught my attention.  FUZZ. The difference this time was that I had an even layer of the stuff.  It was sticking out of my head like sweet feathery wisps of heaven.  That may seem dramatic, but hey, it's been a while.  I got so excited.  I started smiling and almost jumped up and down.

Then I remembered where I was.  I swear the other ladies in that locker room probably thought I was nuts.

These little hairs don't realize how important they are.  I am rubbing them constantly...coaxing them to grow more, grow faster, grow thicker.  I know it won't work, but it's my own version of a sort of rain dance.

Marie even noticed.  She was rubbing my head the other night (it's become sort of part of the bedtime routine), and said "Mommy, is your hair coming back?"  I told her that yes, it started to grow.  Her response?

"Did you water it like I said?"

Too cute.

So now, expect weekly measurements of my hair.  Just kidding.  Sort of.

Here's a picture for reference:

The next reason for the "fuzzy" title is my brain.  Seriously.  Super fuzzy.  I have "chemo" brain like crazy.  I find myself forgetting things as I'm talking about them.  It's so weird.  I misplace things ALL the time.  You know that feeling when you open a cabinet, or go to get something and you forget what it is that you are looking for?  I have that feeling ALL THE TIME.  So annoying.  It's part of the reason that I haven't blogged as much lately.  I feel like every time I start a blog I forget what I want to write about.

The third reason for the "Fuzzy" title. This one is a bit of a stretch, but it's in reference to Marie's new nightly routine.  She sees, wait for it, "far away things".

About two weeks ago, we put Marie to bed following our normal routine.  About two hours after bed time, she woke up screaming.  She was in hysterics and couldn't be calmed down.  When I went in to calm her down, she kept saying that she saw things "far away".  She wouldn't stay in her bed, and she kept looking up above me and pointing at the ceiling in weird places.  You can imagine my fear and confusion.  I seriously thought my kid was seeing poltergeists in her room.  I kept getting flashes of all the horror movies I'd seen where the kid sees dead people.  I know I shouldn't joke about it, but it creeped me out.

She was so scared that she was trying to claw her way out of my hold to run away into our room.  It was so bizarre.  So, we moved her room around, made a big deal out of it, told her it was a "new room".  That worked for a day or so.  Then it started again.  I googled the crap out of it and I'm pretty sure it's sleepwalking or night terror-ish.  When she does it, she doesn't even realize where she is.  One time, she even said "I want mommy" when I was right there holding her.

If anyone knows anything about this, I would love some insight.  I would also like to know that there isn't a poltergeist in my house, so if you know a medium, or ghost buster of sorts, I'll take that number, too (just kidding...sort of).