Happy Memorial Day!

I want to start this post of with some apologies. 

1. I am sorry for not posting.  I know that a lot of people have been asking about me and wondering how I'm doing (or maybe I'm just vain and think people are asking about me and such), but I have just not really had the desire to get on the computer at all let alone make a blog post.  

I feel like for a while nothing has really been different.  Especially now that I'm getting the same treatment every week, so really nothing changes week to week.  I like routine, but I'm definitely ready for a change.  

Which brings me to my next apology:

2. At the start of all of this I was making plans, having coffee, lunch, dinner, playdates, etc.  I wanted to keep myself as busy as possible.  Things are winding down, and lately I've been avoiding making too many plans.  So, if you've tried to get together with me recently, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm avoiding it.  I just am enjoying the down time.  

I haven't quite felt like myself lately.  I've realized that chemo changes a lot.  I'm not shooting for sympathy points, but I am shooting for reality here.  I think people think about the hair loss, and the "sickness" and that's pretty much it.  In reality, I feel like I have done a physical 180.  I know I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff, but the way I look has taken a huge toll on me emotionally (probably a huge reason why I don't want to go out and make a ton of plans).  

First, there's the hair loss.  I'm ok with that now, it's just annoying.  It is growing back already, which is exciting, but that was a big part of my looks that went away.  

Also, my breasts.  It's very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I feel as though they will never feel/look the same again.  The expanders that I have in right now are doing the job of making room for the implant, which won't go in until September at the earliest.  The expanders go in behind my muscle, but in front of my ribcage.  This is because I need something else between the skin and the implant to hold the implant in.  

(above) This is the expander itself.  It has a dark area that is a magnet which shows the plastic surgeon where to inject the saline.  I had my last saline injection back in February.  We'll see if I get to go bigger, haha.  

(Above) This is how it will look.  The one on the left is with the expander.  They are really firm and uncomfortable.  It feels like I'm wearing a too-tight bra ALL THE TIME.  They also have seams/pockets that feel really funny from the outside.  I know this part makes no sense, but there are areas that feel like rippling plastic.  It's weird.  The one on the left is with the implant.  So once the muscle is lifted from the chest wall, there will be room for my implant.  This won't be until around September or so.  We will see.  I just can't wait.  

In other news, this Thursday marks my LAST official chemotherapy treatment.  I can't believe it is only three days away.  If something gets in the way, I will be super upset.  So, mother nature: No flooding, no crazy heatwaves that cause the power to go out, basically NOTHING that gets in the way of getting me in that chair on Thursday.  

I have noticed that the side effects have gotten worse as time goes on, which makes me that much more excited for this to be over.  Overall, I've felt ok with the taxol, but there are some things that I won't miss.  

Here they are: 

• Going through insane amounts of kleenex.  I have had a constant runny nose/congested sinus system since January.  I'm ready for that to be over.  I feel as though I have personally contributed 100 used boxes of kleenex to my local landfill.    
• Daily bloody noses.  I wake up EVERY morning with a bloody nose, and depending on whether or not I blow my nose, I may get several.  
• Muscle fatigue.  I wake up in the morning (usually on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday after treatment) feeling like I have walked around a theme park all day. My feet hurt, my legs are sore, and I just don't want to move.  The worst part is, I'm not tired, I'm just sore.  
• Numbness.  Overall numbness.  I got it at first after the surgery, then with taxol, I started to get it in my finger tips.  It went away.  Then, the doc says "Do you get any numbness or tingling in your feet?"  Me: "Nope, my feet are fine."  Now, my right foot has been numb since that day.  Weirdest feeling ever.  Sucks. 
• Weight gain.  Enough said. 
• Not having eyebrows.  I have always had pretty thick eyebrows.  So when I was told that taxol would make them thin out, I was kind of ok with it.  But now, I have to use a brow pencil so I don't look like a crazy person.  I have such a scattered array of eyebrow hairs that I have to fill them in.  
• Eyelashes falling out.  I tried to keep it at bay at first, but then I realized it was a lost cause.  Luckily, I only lost some of my eyelash hairs.  I can still put mascara on and not look totally weird.  However, I lost most of the hairs on the bottom lashes, and now they are kind of growing back in.  It's pretty weird because it makes my eyes itch like crazy.  They are these little darts made of hair sticking out of my lower eyelid.  I just noticed them today.  

I know this is a weird picture, but this is what my eyebrows and eyelashes look like without any  makeup.  Not horrible, but those lower baby lashes that are coming in are irritating the crap out of my eyes, haha.  

• Tying scarves.  I won't want to look at another scarf for a LONG time after this.  I'm glad it's summer and I'll get a bit of a break before having to see them again.  My hair is starting to grow back, however, and I'm excited about that.  

I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining.  

This is how much I have changed since September.  Crazy, right? 

A lot going on...two posts in one day!

First, I'm going to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while.  I want to acknowledge some of the blogs that I've been reading/following since I've been diagnosed.  They have been such a huge help in so many different ways.  Most of the ones I read are listed along the side of my page, so PLEASE check those out.

Some I wanted to pin-point for all of you are right here:

http://fightingfancy.com  This woman is awesome.  She was diagnosed a year ago and within that year, so much has happened to her.  She was exactly my age at diagnosis--even had her birthday right around her first chemo treatment.  I feel that I can really relate to her. PLUS, in that year, she started a non-profit organization sending out chemo care bags around the country.  I even got one! :)

http://www.stupiddumbbreastcancer.blogspot.com 

This woman is great, too.  She is fierce and she's fighting with all she has.  She has become involved in almost every way possible to spread awareness and early detection information.  Good for you, Ann Marie!  

http://www.tarabeatscancer.com   

Tara has started an awesome organization called Writing Saves Lives.  It's a great idea and you should check it out.  I hope that it grows and comes out to the midwest some day.  Way to go, Tara!

*********

The next thing on my list to write about...my big day yesterday.   First, let me start by saying that my parents were out of town.  My mom usually helps with all this stuff, an I appreciate that help so much more now.  

Marie had her "Mother's Day" celebration at preschool yesterday.  I wanted to be able to go, so I made sure to schedule chemo (yes, I had chemo yesterday) for later in the day.  Because of scheduling it so late, I would have to take Marie with me to chemotherapy because I wouldn't make it out in time to pick her up from school.  So, that's how we start.  

Rusty and Duke (the dogs) had an appointment at petco because we had someone come to clean the house.  It's been nice to have that help a few times a month.  So I get Marie in the car, throw the dogs in too, and head out the door.  First, Marie goes to school.  She kind of had a rough day the other day, so I had to talk to her teachers about that.  Then, I rush back to the car, take the dogs to petco.  I had to be back at my house to let in the housekeeper and pay her.  So I get to petco, and find out that they can't take Rusty because he still had his stitches in.  Now, this makes perfect sense, but it doesn't change the fact that I thought "CRAP, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT." Well luckily my bro was ok with me dropping the dog off with him.  Did that, rushed back home, showered (still hadn't done that yet), and let the woman in to clean our house.  Then, I ran out the door to run a few errands before the Mother's Day celebration.  I get to the school and Marie starts out fine and happy.  Then, she turns on me...She was cranky and didn't want to play with anyone.  The kids did this really cute rendition of you are my sunshine for the moms, and my kid didn't even sing a note.  She sat on my lap the whole time. 

All in all, it was a fun little celebration.  

 excited to see me :)

 Giving me my gift 

Marie and Brinley (My cancer buddy's daughter)

Then, we had some time to kill, so we went to lunch, to a park, and to have some FroYo...it's a new fad popping up ALL over the area.  Self serve and whatnot.  

We played checkers...she reminded me the WHOLE time that "Daddy taught me how to play"

She beat the crap out of me.  

Then, off to chemo.  She was pretty good, but it was stressful and difficult keeping her occupied the whole time.  Literally 3 1/2 hours.  She desperately needed a nap, but did not take one.  The crayons and crafty stuff I brought only kept her occupied for so long.  We put in a movie, and she did sit still--mostly--for that.  When they gave me the Benadryl, I seriously was afraid of falling asleep and having my daughter run like a wild woman around the cancer center.  The nurses were great, they talked with her and she did "enjoy" being there.  I think it was good for her to see what I go through every week.  

                   

Pic one: Seemingly happy and coloring                            Pic two: Bored.  I don't blame her. 

Then we went to get the dog and met a friend for dinner back at my place.  At around 8:00, Marie fell right asleep when I put her to bed.  Big day for her I guess.  I made it through about 20 minutes of the Hawks game before crashing myself.  I will say, last night was my first time popping an ativan in a while.  I figured I needed a good night sleep after the long day I had.  

Three Mo'

For those of you who saw my good friend Mallory's facebook post, I feel that I must explain.

Every year, my best girlfriends and I go on a trip somewhere.  For a while, it was the dells every year.  Then we switched it up a couple of times.  Just for fun.  Either way, one year, we stumbled upon a Maury video that has become sort of our mantra for a while.  This girl Victoria just appalled us, but also made us laugh.  We quote it all the time.

Some favorites?  "If I can't afford it, I guess I'm gonna st'il it." (we think she's referring to stealing stuff for her baby"

"pacifiers? I got three mo'"

"That's cool, because I got it like that"

If you are curious, this will help you out.

She's absolutely crazy.  Anyway, this "three mo'" quote has kind of followed us around.  Mal mentioned last week that when I was down to three chemo treatments left, she was going to remember this video, and she did not disappoint.  So we always take a picture like this when we are together:

 So that is the explanation of "Three mo'"

Thanks Victoria, you have given us so much.


So in typical Victoria fashion---
Chemotherapy? That's ok, I got three mo'!!!

I'll keep this short and sweet but I do have a large post for later about my day yesterday, chemo and all. So I'll probably have two blog posts today.  Don't get too excited.

Jekyll and Hyde

Of course, I'm referring to my four-year-old.  Yes.  She is Jekyll and Hyde.  One day she's the best kid in the world and I think to myself "I love this stage."

The next?  Call in the priests, because we may need an exorcism.
Ok, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but not much.

Here's my happy-go-lucky child:

I don't take pictures of her when she's in her demon phases...mostly because I'm afraid the image will show some other being that has possessed her leaving her body...but I did ask her to show me an angry face for the camera a few times.  This is what I got.  

<----Seriously...Father Merrin?  Where are you? 

<------This is mostly her being silly, but you get the idea. 

I have no idea which Marie to expect.  She'll walk in the room in the morning and I place my hands over my face in a defensive manner in order to shield myself from whatever she's going to throw at me (literally, she has thrown things at me) while I wait to see which Marie I am going to see.  

Overall, I've loved being home and spending time with her, but it has really made me question my parenting skills.  I know that she's only 3 (4 in two weeks), and that tantrums and mood swings are normal, but I seriously don't know how to handle discipline in these moments.  

Oh well.  I'll just go to bed and pray every night for moments like this...

Time line

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past seven months.  Seven months.  It has been almost seven months since my life wast turned upside down.  I can't believe how much has happened.  Troy and I often talk about the "pre-cancer" days.  I don't even feel like they exist.  We will be discussing an event, or a situation, and I'll say, "wow, that was before cancer..."  Then, I immediately start thinking about how carefree I was then.  Any worries I had were nothing in comparison to the months that would come.  

• August: Move back in with mom and dad.  We decided to rent our townhouse and during the transition, we thought we'd save some money and move back in with my parents for a while.  We didn't think it would be for that long.  
• September: School started, it was in full swing and Troy was busy trying to find a new job. 
• October: I went in for my yearly gynecologist visit.  It was pretty normal, except for the fact that she found a lump that was probably nothing.  I could either get it checked out or go get an ultrasound.  

After this-I get pretty specific with dates.  

• November 14th: 3 hour Ultrasound turned Mammogram (I think I've talked about that night before) 
• November 20th: biopsy with Dr. M.  (insert longest night of my life here)
• November 21st (day before Thanksgiving): I get the call from Dr. M that we will be moving forward with surgery and chemo and that the tumor did test positive for cancer.  This conversation is a bit of a blur now, but it sparked everything that has happened from that moment to now.  

It is VERY hard to believe that this happened only seven months ago.  It's very hard to imagine life without the big "C" as a part of it.  It feels like it has always been an integral part of my life.  Now, May 7th, the last chemo treatment is only 23 days away, and I'm one step closer to being done with treatment.  People sometimes look at that fact and say to me, "Wow, this has gone by so fast."  

Hah.  I know it's meant to sound positive, but man is that far off.  It has not gone by fast.  In fact, it's not  even over.  It won't be over for a long time.  Even if you took away the fact that I am going to be having herceptin infusions every three weeks for the next year, this whole ordeal will not be over for a a while.  So, no, if you ask me, it has not gone by fast.  

But I do finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  After this Thursday, there will only be three more treatments left of chemotherapy.  That will shortly be followed by five and half weeks of radiation, another surgery AND a year of herceptin treatments, BUT chemo will be done.  

So that, my friends, is something good.  

  

Missing in Action!

So yesterday I get this text from my dad that says "What's with blog face? Missing in action!"

I realized I haven't posted anything in a while.  I guess nothing has really been happening.  I promise though, I'm not missing, I'm still here.

I feel like each week has become kind of a repeat of the last.  Thursday is the "beginning" of my week lately, because I plan/schedule all things around the next chemo treatment.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do when chemo is over, because so much is planned around each Thursday.  Thursdays, my day is usually wiped clean.  I mean, the treatment itself is only 1 hour of taxol and 30 minutes of herceptin, but the day itself is usually a 3-4 hour event.  Luckily, Marie is in school, so I don't feel so bad.  Fridays are usually pretty low key, but the past few Fridays I have been trying to do things with Marie.  Last Friday, for example, we had a picnic with a friend and her kids, this Friday we are having a playdate with Marie's future husband (she has apparently been planning her wedding--there will be flowers and tap dancing).  Saturdays are kind of a crummy day.  That's usually when I start feeling weird.  Tired, achy, etc.  It kind of sucks, but I've gotten used to my weekends being sucky because of cancer, haha.  Sunday is pretty much the same.  Achy, lounging around, blah.  Mondays lately are when I start to feel a bit better.  Tuesdays are ME days.  I usually hole up in my room all day.  Tuesday is the day that Marie has preschool and I don't have plans (usually).  Maybe an appointment here or there, but Tuesdays are for me.  Wednesdays have started to become the day that I have with Marie.  She has swimming lessons in the morning, and we hang out together all day. Today, for example, I'm going to go work out (yes, I'm trying to be healthy, more on that later), take her to swimming, then we are going to have a picnic at the park, just me and her.  She seems excited.  We'll then nap together later today (I'm excited about that part). Then, Thursday is here again.  It is much different having chemo every week versus every other week.  I feel like I barely get time to recover before I'm back in that chair again.

To break up the monotony of the week, I've started going to the gym (at least as much as I'm up to it).  It makes me feel better when I do go.  Makes sense, right?

Cancer has taken a lot away from me.  The thing that I miss the most is control.  I feel as though I have lost control of a lot of things, my hair, my body, my life, etc.  I don't consider myself a vain person, but I do like to take care of my looks.  Cancer has pretty much taken away my ability to control the way I look and the way I feel.  If I complain about any of this out loud, the response I usually get is "but look at what you are going through!", or "You look great! why should you worry about that right now"  I get it.  But here's the thing: I have always been very self aware...I know what looks ok, and what doesn't.  I don't think I have a warped sense of how I look in the mirror.  The combination of a body altering surgery, chemo, steroids, and overall laziness over the past four months has altered the way I look, and I see it.  I don't like what I see.  My face has changed shape, and my body has too.  I don't like it.  I have gained 20 pounds since chemo started.  The nurses tell me "that's good, don't look at the number, blah blah blah."  I understand.  I know they don't want me losing weight necessarily, but I also know that I am not where I want to be.  I'm not saying any of this to get sympathy, I'm just venting, and this is the place to do it, right?

So, I joined weight watchers.  Basically, I just want a healthy way to keep myself on track.  Yes, the steroids are a large reason that I have gained weight and swelled up.  I understand that.  If you see me, don't remind me of that.  This is just one small way for me to start to gain back a little bit of control, and lose a little bit of weight.  I'm hoping that it works, but only time will tell.

It's very hard to look in the mirror every day and see change taking place that you have no control over.  The swelling in my face has been the worst for me.  I have no control over the size of my double chin (and I'm hoping double is as big as it goes...I can't handle triple).  The roundness in my cheeks is out of control.  This is KNOW is from the steroids, so I'm hoping that now that he has lowered my dose of the steroid that it will subside a bit.

My hair is starting to grow back, so that will help.  It's amazing what a head of hair does for looks...This swelling would not be nearly as bad if I could cover it up with some luscious locks.  My wig just doesn't do it for me anymore.

The bright side (to steal from Angie's motto, haha)?  After tomorrow, only four more treatments left.  Hopefully life (and my body) will return slowly back to normal after that.