Happy Memorial Day!

I want to start this post of with some apologies. 

1. I am sorry for not posting.  I know that a lot of people have been asking about me and wondering how I'm doing (or maybe I'm just vain and think people are asking about me and such), but I have just not really had the desire to get on the computer at all let alone make a blog post.  

I feel like for a while nothing has really been different.  Especially now that I'm getting the same treatment every week, so really nothing changes week to week.  I like routine, but I'm definitely ready for a change.  

Which brings me to my next apology:

2. At the start of all of this I was making plans, having coffee, lunch, dinner, playdates, etc.  I wanted to keep myself as busy as possible.  Things are winding down, and lately I've been avoiding making too many plans.  So, if you've tried to get together with me recently, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm avoiding it.  I just am enjoying the down time.  

I haven't quite felt like myself lately.  I've realized that chemo changes a lot.  I'm not shooting for sympathy points, but I am shooting for reality here.  I think people think about the hair loss, and the "sickness" and that's pretty much it.  In reality, I feel like I have done a physical 180.  I know I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff, but the way I look has taken a huge toll on me emotionally (probably a huge reason why I don't want to go out and make a ton of plans).  

First, there's the hair loss.  I'm ok with that now, it's just annoying.  It is growing back already, which is exciting, but that was a big part of my looks that went away.  

Also, my breasts.  It's very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I feel as though they will never feel/look the same again.  The expanders that I have in right now are doing the job of making room for the implant, which won't go in until September at the earliest.  The expanders go in behind my muscle, but in front of my ribcage.  This is because I need something else between the skin and the implant to hold the implant in.  

(above) This is the expander itself.  It has a dark area that is a magnet which shows the plastic surgeon where to inject the saline.  I had my last saline injection back in February.  We'll see if I get to go bigger, haha.  

(Above) This is how it will look.  The one on the left is with the expander.  They are really firm and uncomfortable.  It feels like I'm wearing a too-tight bra ALL THE TIME.  They also have seams/pockets that feel really funny from the outside.  I know this part makes no sense, but there are areas that feel like rippling plastic.  It's weird.  The one on the left is with the implant.  So once the muscle is lifted from the chest wall, there will be room for my implant.  This won't be until around September or so.  We will see.  I just can't wait.  

In other news, this Thursday marks my LAST official chemotherapy treatment.  I can't believe it is only three days away.  If something gets in the way, I will be super upset.  So, mother nature: No flooding, no crazy heatwaves that cause the power to go out, basically NOTHING that gets in the way of getting me in that chair on Thursday.  

I have noticed that the side effects have gotten worse as time goes on, which makes me that much more excited for this to be over.  Overall, I've felt ok with the taxol, but there are some things that I won't miss.  

Here they are: 

• Going through insane amounts of kleenex.  I have had a constant runny nose/congested sinus system since January.  I'm ready for that to be over.  I feel as though I have personally contributed 100 used boxes of kleenex to my local landfill.    
• Daily bloody noses.  I wake up EVERY morning with a bloody nose, and depending on whether or not I blow my nose, I may get several.  
• Muscle fatigue.  I wake up in the morning (usually on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday after treatment) feeling like I have walked around a theme park all day. My feet hurt, my legs are sore, and I just don't want to move.  The worst part is, I'm not tired, I'm just sore.  
• Numbness.  Overall numbness.  I got it at first after the surgery, then with taxol, I started to get it in my finger tips.  It went away.  Then, the doc says "Do you get any numbness or tingling in your feet?"  Me: "Nope, my feet are fine."  Now, my right foot has been numb since that day.  Weirdest feeling ever.  Sucks. 
• Weight gain.  Enough said. 
• Not having eyebrows.  I have always had pretty thick eyebrows.  So when I was told that taxol would make them thin out, I was kind of ok with it.  But now, I have to use a brow pencil so I don't look like a crazy person.  I have such a scattered array of eyebrow hairs that I have to fill them in.  
• Eyelashes falling out.  I tried to keep it at bay at first, but then I realized it was a lost cause.  Luckily, I only lost some of my eyelash hairs.  I can still put mascara on and not look totally weird.  However, I lost most of the hairs on the bottom lashes, and now they are kind of growing back in.  It's pretty weird because it makes my eyes itch like crazy.  They are these little darts made of hair sticking out of my lower eyelid.  I just noticed them today.  

I know this is a weird picture, but this is what my eyebrows and eyelashes look like without any  makeup.  Not horrible, but those lower baby lashes that are coming in are irritating the crap out of my eyes, haha.  

• Tying scarves.  I won't want to look at another scarf for a LONG time after this.  I'm glad it's summer and I'll get a bit of a break before having to see them again.  My hair is starting to grow back, however, and I'm excited about that.  

I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining.  

This is how much I have changed since September.  Crazy, right?