Missing in Action!

So yesterday I get this text from my dad that says "What's with blog face? Missing in action!"

I realized I haven't posted anything in a while.  I guess nothing has really been happening.  I promise though, I'm not missing, I'm still here.

I feel like each week has become kind of a repeat of the last.  Thursday is the "beginning" of my week lately, because I plan/schedule all things around the next chemo treatment.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do when chemo is over, because so much is planned around each Thursday.  Thursdays, my day is usually wiped clean.  I mean, the treatment itself is only 1 hour of taxol and 30 minutes of herceptin, but the day itself is usually a 3-4 hour event.  Luckily, Marie is in school, so I don't feel so bad.  Fridays are usually pretty low key, but the past few Fridays I have been trying to do things with Marie.  Last Friday, for example, we had a picnic with a friend and her kids, this Friday we are having a playdate with Marie's future husband (she has apparently been planning her wedding--there will be flowers and tap dancing).  Saturdays are kind of a crummy day.  That's usually when I start feeling weird.  Tired, achy, etc.  It kind of sucks, but I've gotten used to my weekends being sucky because of cancer, haha.  Sunday is pretty much the same.  Achy, lounging around, blah.  Mondays lately are when I start to feel a bit better.  Tuesdays are ME days.  I usually hole up in my room all day.  Tuesday is the day that Marie has preschool and I don't have plans (usually).  Maybe an appointment here or there, but Tuesdays are for me.  Wednesdays have started to become the day that I have with Marie.  She has swimming lessons in the morning, and we hang out together all day. Today, for example, I'm going to go work out (yes, I'm trying to be healthy, more on that later), take her to swimming, then we are going to have a picnic at the park, just me and her.  She seems excited.  We'll then nap together later today (I'm excited about that part). Then, Thursday is here again.  It is much different having chemo every week versus every other week.  I feel like I barely get time to recover before I'm back in that chair again.

To break up the monotony of the week, I've started going to the gym (at least as much as I'm up to it).  It makes me feel better when I do go.  Makes sense, right?

Cancer has taken a lot away from me.  The thing that I miss the most is control.  I feel as though I have lost control of a lot of things, my hair, my body, my life, etc.  I don't consider myself a vain person, but I do like to take care of my looks.  Cancer has pretty much taken away my ability to control the way I look and the way I feel.  If I complain about any of this out loud, the response I usually get is "but look at what you are going through!", or "You look great! why should you worry about that right now"  I get it.  But here's the thing: I have always been very self aware...I know what looks ok, and what doesn't.  I don't think I have a warped sense of how I look in the mirror.  The combination of a body altering surgery, chemo, steroids, and overall laziness over the past four months has altered the way I look, and I see it.  I don't like what I see.  My face has changed shape, and my body has too.  I don't like it.  I have gained 20 pounds since chemo started.  The nurses tell me "that's good, don't look at the number, blah blah blah."  I understand.  I know they don't want me losing weight necessarily, but I also know that I am not where I want to be.  I'm not saying any of this to get sympathy, I'm just venting, and this is the place to do it, right?

So, I joined weight watchers.  Basically, I just want a healthy way to keep myself on track.  Yes, the steroids are a large reason that I have gained weight and swelled up.  I understand that.  If you see me, don't remind me of that.  This is just one small way for me to start to gain back a little bit of control, and lose a little bit of weight.  I'm hoping that it works, but only time will tell.

It's very hard to look in the mirror every day and see change taking place that you have no control over.  The swelling in my face has been the worst for me.  I have no control over the size of my double chin (and I'm hoping double is as big as it goes...I can't handle triple).  The roundness in my cheeks is out of control.  This is KNOW is from the steroids, so I'm hoping that now that he has lowered my dose of the steroid that it will subside a bit.

My hair is starting to grow back, so that will help.  It's amazing what a head of hair does for looks...This swelling would not be nearly as bad if I could cover it up with some luscious locks.  My wig just doesn't do it for me anymore.

The bright side (to steal from Angie's motto, haha)?  After tomorrow, only four more treatments left.  Hopefully life (and my body) will return slowly back to normal after that.