Marbles

For some reason, there is a lot rolling around in my brain right now.  Because of the fuzzy chemo brain, I get snippets at a time.  I'll start a train of thought, and then it's like the control center of my brain pulls that little switch thingie that makes the train take a different track.  This has always happened to me.  However, I used to be able to switch back as soon as I realized my mind was going off on a tangent.  Now, I'll try to get back on track, and it's like when I turn around, the original track is gone.  

Very strange.  Very strange.  

So strange, in fact, that I can't even formulate a solid thought to write about.  I've been sitting on this blog for a while.  I have a lot on my mind to write about, but every time I start, the train gets de-railed again.  

What I'll focus on today (for as long as I can focus) is my impending doom with this week's chemo treatment.  Yes, it's true that I have had a much easier time with this round of drugs.  I don't have the nausea, fatigue, and overall crappy feeling that the adriamycin gave me.  The overall symptoms that I have been having during this round have been:

• Muscle/Joint soreness and pain
• slight fatigue
• nose bleeds (every freakin' morning)
• leathery fingertips (its been pretty weird)
• Eyelashes/Eyebrows thinning
• Face swelling (probably the steroid)
• Hot flashes (probably steroid)
• Intense hunger at times--causing binge eating (probably the steroid)

That's pretty much it.  Nothing big.  It's actually been pretty easy.  The worst times are usually Saturday evening through Sunday evening.  That's when my lower extremities seem to hurt pretty bad, and I'm pretty weak.  

So why am I so nervous this time around?  (for anyone afraid of lady business and talk of lady things, stop reading) Well, if you are keeping track of my menstrual cycle, which I'm sure you are, I'm coming up on getting that lovely monthly friend.  Why is this important, you might ask? If you remember this post, I had a really rough time the first round of taxol, and I associated it with the fact that I happened to get my period just afterwards.  My doctor, and the research nurses are very surprised that I'm still getting it.  They assumed my cycle would stop and that I would eventually just start early menopause set on by chemotherapy.  I mean, menopause does not equal fun, but after the cramping and horror that happened last month, I might choose it.

So.  I'm going to sit tight for the next few days and strongly hope that I either have a MUCH easier go this time around, or that I start menopause.  Just kidding...sort of.

Making strides

I had another treatment today.  Woohoo.

High blood pressure when I walked in again.  It keeps going up.  I was thinking that it was the herceptin.  I mean they made me do an echo before chemo, again before the herceptin started, AND I'll have another after the taxol.  It made sense.  But when I asked the nurse, she said no.  Then, the research nurse, Anita, mentioned the dex.  That dreaded steroid.  Ugh.

So, today, I told the nurse when she asked about side effects that the steroid sucked.  She laughed, but after learning at my lunch with Angie that she only had to take it for two days, I thought to myself, "Why am I taking it for so long...and taking so much?"  I mean, Angie and I have been given pretty much the same treatment plan all along.  I wasn't jealous, but I was definitely curious, especially because the steroid makes me nuts.  See the previous post if you are curious.

So my lovely nurse went and talked to Dr. H, and that glorious man and that glorious woman worked together to lower my dosage.  Now, I only have to take half the dosage and only 4 times vs. 6.  SO happy.  I'm hoping that will help.

One more treatment down and 7 more to go.  Finally seeing the light.  It's under two months now, which is exciting.

What is even more exciting is that Angie only has ONE more.  I cannot even say how happy I am for her.  Both unselfishly and selfishly.  Unselfishly because she's had a pretty hard time with the chemo and now it will finally be leaving her system and she deserves that SO much.  Selfishly because her being done makes me feel that much closer to being done myself.

Here's us at chemo together probably for the last time (our times are different next week).

Yay, Angie!  I'll miss her at chemo, but her not being there is so great on so many levels!  (She'll understand what I mean by this, I hope)

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.  

Fuzzy

I am titling this "fuzzy" for several reasons.  The first is a good reason.

I HAVE FUZZ.  Peach fuzz.  On my head.  The hair on my head is starting to grow.  Slowly, mind you, but still growing.

I've noticed it for a little while.  A little piece here, or there.  The real treat came on Monday at the gym (yes, the gym...more on that later).  I had just worked out and I was in the locker room changing.  I went to check the mirror and wipe off my sweaty head (that is one weird thing about working out when you are bald...sweaty head).  As I pulled off my hat, I saw something that caught my attention.  FUZZ. The difference this time was that I had an even layer of the stuff.  It was sticking out of my head like sweet feathery wisps of heaven.  That may seem dramatic, but hey, it's been a while.  I got so excited.  I started smiling and almost jumped up and down.

Then I remembered where I was.  I swear the other ladies in that locker room probably thought I was nuts.

These little hairs don't realize how important they are.  I am rubbing them constantly...coaxing them to grow more, grow faster, grow thicker.  I know it won't work, but it's my own version of a sort of rain dance.

Marie even noticed.  She was rubbing my head the other night (it's become sort of part of the bedtime routine), and said "Mommy, is your hair coming back?"  I told her that yes, it started to grow.  Her response?

"Did you water it like I said?"

Too cute.

So now, expect weekly measurements of my hair.  Just kidding.  Sort of.

Here's a picture for reference:

The next reason for the "fuzzy" title is my brain.  Seriously.  Super fuzzy.  I have "chemo" brain like crazy.  I find myself forgetting things as I'm talking about them.  It's so weird.  I misplace things ALL the time.  You know that feeling when you open a cabinet, or go to get something and you forget what it is that you are looking for?  I have that feeling ALL THE TIME.  So annoying.  It's part of the reason that I haven't blogged as much lately.  I feel like every time I start a blog I forget what I want to write about.

The third reason for the "Fuzzy" title. This one is a bit of a stretch, but it's in reference to Marie's new nightly routine.  She sees, wait for it, "far away things".

About two weeks ago, we put Marie to bed following our normal routine.  About two hours after bed time, she woke up screaming.  She was in hysterics and couldn't be calmed down.  When I went in to calm her down, she kept saying that she saw things "far away".  She wouldn't stay in her bed, and she kept looking up above me and pointing at the ceiling in weird places.  You can imagine my fear and confusion.  I seriously thought my kid was seeing poltergeists in her room.  I kept getting flashes of all the horror movies I'd seen where the kid sees dead people.  I know I shouldn't joke about it, but it creeped me out.

She was so scared that she was trying to claw her way out of my hold to run away into our room.  It was so bizarre.  So, we moved her room around, made a big deal out of it, told her it was a "new room".  That worked for a day or so.  Then it started again.  I googled the crap out of it and I'm pretty sure it's sleepwalking or night terror-ish.  When she does it, she doesn't even realize where she is.  One time, she even said "I want mommy" when I was right there holding her.

If anyone knows anything about this, I would love some insight.  I would also like to know that there isn't a poltergeist in my house, so if you know a medium, or ghost buster of sorts, I'll take that number, too (just kidding...sort of).

Rumblings

So, I know I've posted about the food thing before...but it really bothers me.

You all know that I used to LOVE food.  Well, I still do, but now it's like food doesn't love me.  I'll be STARVING, so I'll eat.  Normal reaction.  Then, the food fights back.  It's not so much nausea, but it's more like the food is sitting there in my stomach saying,

"Hi.  I'm still here.  You didn't think you could get away that easily, did you?"

I'm still learning what I can and can't eat.  What tastes good, and what doesn't.  What will sit well, and what....won't sit well.  It sucks.

This has caused a major problem for me and our local grocery store, which happens to be right around the corner.  What happens, is I will get a craving.  (I think in a previous post, I related some of the chemo symptoms to pregnancy symptoms, but I can't find it...so you'll just have to trust me)
That craving will sit with me.  Let's take, for example, apples.  Yes, I have craved apples.  So I want apples.  We don't have an apples.  I go to the store.  I buy two apples.

By the time I get home, craving is gone.

I learn my lesson.  Next time, I wait until I am craving a few different things.  AND, I do what you are never supposed to do.  I shop hungry.  On purpose.  The true cardinal sin.  Yesterday happened to be junk food.  Ice cream sandwiches, donuts, munchies (cheddar cheese), and I bought a SoBe.  If you see my Facebook  you can read my post about that one.

Well, then I eat whatever I've been craving, but usually it winds up only being a bite or so, then all of this stuff sits in my cabinet or fridge and I don't want it anymore.  My family doesn't want to eat it (because they are all apparently trying to be healthy), so it sits there.

Now, I know that I should be eating healthy, and I am at times (remember the apples!).  But this love of food combined with my inconsistent appetite has made me realize something.  I think subconsciously I feel that I have to shop and buy food immediately when I feel hungry.  I do this because I never know when I'll be hungry or want to eat again.

Yes, I realize how extreme that sounds.

Yes, I realize this is probably why I'm gaining weight during chemo.

Yes, I realize that it is completely irrational.

But.  I love food.  So when I want food, I eat it.

Back to this problem...So, all of these frequent trips to the grocery store add up.  It got me thinking about all of the money I've spent on stupid cancer.  (Yes, I equate my irrational food spending to spending money on cancer)

Seriously.  Cancer is expensive.  In October, I'm sure someone somewhere will ask me to donate $1 or so to breast cancer research for pink ribbon month.  It's going to take a lot for me not to laugh in their face.

Cashier: Would you like to donate $1 to support breast cancer research?
Me: HAH!
Cashier: .....
Me:  I mean, no.  Thanks.
Cashier: Cold hearted bitch...
Me: If she only knew...

I'm sure one day I'll walk, I'll fund raise, I'll donate, etc.  But right now, too soon.  Especially because my bank statements are still showing the results of my own cancer.

Yes..You have to pay for medical bills.  I'll do another post on that later...but the other expenses are crazy.  And you don't think about them ahead of time.

• Food--in general.  Taste buds change and I have very specific needs/wants when it comes to food.  Expensive at times. 
• Clothing.  After the mastectomy, nothing fit right, and I had to get a lot of zip-up/button up stuff because regular shirts were hard for me to wear.  $10-$20 a shirt
• Bras: I feel that they deserve their own category.  It is STILL hard to find a bra in my drawer that fits right.  Usually I am wearing them just for formality, but sometimes I still have to wear them, and because my gals are a bit different these days, I had to buy some new ones.  at $15-$20 a bra, those add up.  
• Head wear.  I knew this would be an issue, but I didn't realize how pricey.  I'm not very vain, but I do like to match and to look like I'm suitable to go out of doors at times.  I can't even tell you how much I've spent on hats and scarves.  If I had to guess...I would go with about $400.  That sounds steep, but I think I'm low-balling it.  Think about it.  I probably have at least 10 hats.  I have at least 20 scarves.  They have been anywhere from $10-$20 each.  Even the ones from the TLC site are about $11-$12.  Either way, I spend a lot on head coverings.  At home?  I'm bald, but it's been too cold for me to leave the house this way, so I wear scarves and hats.  Although, I do feel that if it were warmer, I'd feel ok going bald in public now.  
• Wig.  I haven't gotten the bill for the wig yet, but I know it's coming.  Insurance is supposed to cover 90%, so that played a large role in why I purchased the one I did.  The wig was $490.  It may be inappropriate for me to write that here, but the purpose is for people to see the cost of things.  I mean, I could have picked the cheaper one.  I almost did.  But the one I picked looked very natural on me, and I was thinking about going back to work in August.  I don't want my hair to be an issue for anyone at work.  I want to go back to work and have people look at me like a normal teacher, not someone who just had cancer.  I felt that the wig would do that for me.  Hopefully I won't have to pay much for the wig, but it is still a cost that I didn't consider.  
• Pillows.  I have bought probably 3 different pillows since the surgery.  I can't seem to sleep right on any of them.  I can't sleep on my right side anymore, and I can't sleep on my stomach.  So, I tried pillows.  So far, nothing really works right (except the ativan-haha)  
• Medicine.  Prescriptions.  'nuff said. 

I'm sure there is more...but these are just some of the things I've been thinking about.  

I have an amazing support system, and I'm lucky enough to have a job during this.  I am on leave, yes, but the steady paycheck helps.  In no way was this post meant to evoke money woes, because we are doing absolutely fine.  We aren't breaking the bank, but it makes me think about people who aren't in my position.  If I didn't have an income, or didn't have my parents, or didn't have my husband, or friends, or family, etc. I don't know where I'd be.  I'm not just talking about the financial support, either...I'm talking about all of it.  These little costs that add up, they are manageable, but if I had to deal with all of those PLUS everything else (coping emotionally, taking care of Marie, appointments, surgeries, etc) on my own.... Well.  It would suck.  

So thanks everyone for helping with this experience and making it not suck too bad.  

Fever Strikes...

For some reason, I've been freaking out about fevers since the first round of chemo.  I think that reason is because all of the nurses AND the doctor made it very clear that as soon as I get a fever, I must call.

I've been pretty lucky.  Well, last week, I started to get a cough.  (I had someone to blame for this cough, but I've blamed him enough, so I guess I'll give him a break via cyberspace).  The cough got progressively worse and by today, I was miserable.  Of course, I was home with Marie, and she was a doll.  I took NyQuil last night (which I usually hate, but I needed something), so I was kind of out of it this morning.

When I woke up, Marie was in my bed, watching spongebob (yes, hate the show, but she turns it on when she comes in and I just let it happen...especially when I feel like I've been run over by a truck), eating her easter candy out of the basket.  Yes, my child woke up, went downstairs and got her basket, and brought it into MY bed to eat...first thing in the morning.  Oh well.

She was good and let me sleep, I guess.

Anyway, fever strikes.  I woke up with about 100.4.  The nurses said call over 100.5, but the doc said over 100, so of course, I call.  That was around 10.  They called back at 1 to say "Maybe we'll give you an antibiotic, we don't know".  So I lounged all day, Marie watched movies all day, and I basically tried to keep her as active as possible while keeping myself as rested as possible.  I don't know if it was being sick, or the side effects from the taxol, but my muscles and joints= OUCH.

Finally, by 5:00, the nurse called and said they called in an antibiotic.  I was glad.  I mean, this way, hopefully whatever is in my body can leave.  I have enough crap in here to have to deal with an infection as well.

So all day, I've been moving around like a sloth (I've never seen one move, but I'm pretty sure they look like I did today).  My awesome kid just rolled with it.  She had fun, and she made sure to let me sleep or rest if I needed to.  Yes.  I slept with my almost-four year old awake in the house.  It was hard for me to do (not really, I was exhausted), but I was at a turning point.  Do I attempt to stay awake (which was almost physically impossible this morning), or do I trust my parenting skills up until this point and hope that she doesn't burn the place down.

Well, the house is still standing.  (Sorry for the fire reference, dad)

Marie chilin with me in bed

I even managed to get her back in bed at a reasonable hour tonight WITH a bath.  She was pretty proud, too.  

On top of everything, my mom is still at Edwards.  My family needs to get healthy.  I mean seriously.  What more can we handle?  I know we are pretty damn strong....we are, don't worry, but this is too much.  So, docs, let my mom come home, cure my cancer, and make sure that no one else in my family gets sick.  K?

****

On a side note, I get to see my best friends this weekend.  Now, I have seen them all sporadically since d-day, but one of them made a note that we hadn't all seen each other TOGETHER since Halloween.  That was pre-diagnoses.  Pre-Cancer.  I know it's weird that I think like that, but this has consumed so much of my life since November 21, 2012, that I don't really remember sometimes that there was a "pre-cancer" day.

Either way, I can't wait to see these girls.  Even if I'm feeling like absolute shit, they will make me feel better.