Rumblings

So, I know I've posted about the food thing before...but it really bothers me.

You all know that I used to LOVE food.  Well, I still do, but now it's like food doesn't love me.  I'll be STARVING, so I'll eat.  Normal reaction.  Then, the food fights back.  It's not so much nausea, but it's more like the food is sitting there in my stomach saying,

"Hi.  I'm still here.  You didn't think you could get away that easily, did you?"

I'm still learning what I can and can't eat.  What tastes good, and what doesn't.  What will sit well, and what....won't sit well.  It sucks.

This has caused a major problem for me and our local grocery store, which happens to be right around the corner.  What happens, is I will get a craving.  (I think in a previous post, I related some of the chemo symptoms to pregnancy symptoms, but I can't find it...so you'll just have to trust me)
That craving will sit with me.  Let's take, for example, apples.  Yes, I have craved apples.  So I want apples.  We don't have an apples.  I go to the store.  I buy two apples.

By the time I get home, craving is gone.

I learn my lesson.  Next time, I wait until I am craving a few different things.  AND, I do what you are never supposed to do.  I shop hungry.  On purpose.  The true cardinal sin.  Yesterday happened to be junk food.  Ice cream sandwiches, donuts, munchies (cheddar cheese), and I bought a SoBe.  If you see my Facebook  you can read my post about that one.

Well, then I eat whatever I've been craving, but usually it winds up only being a bite or so, then all of this stuff sits in my cabinet or fridge and I don't want it anymore.  My family doesn't want to eat it (because they are all apparently trying to be healthy), so it sits there.

Now, I know that I should be eating healthy, and I am at times (remember the apples!).  But this love of food combined with my inconsistent appetite has made me realize something.  I think subconsciously I feel that I have to shop and buy food immediately when I feel hungry.  I do this because I never know when I'll be hungry or want to eat again.

Yes, I realize how extreme that sounds.

Yes, I realize this is probably why I'm gaining weight during chemo.

Yes, I realize that it is completely irrational.

But.  I love food.  So when I want food, I eat it.

Back to this problem...So, all of these frequent trips to the grocery store add up.  It got me thinking about all of the money I've spent on stupid cancer.  (Yes, I equate my irrational food spending to spending money on cancer)

Seriously.  Cancer is expensive.  In October, I'm sure someone somewhere will ask me to donate $1 or so to breast cancer research for pink ribbon month.  It's going to take a lot for me not to laugh in their face.

Cashier: Would you like to donate $1 to support breast cancer research?
Me: HAH!
Cashier: .....
Me:  I mean, no.  Thanks.
Cashier: Cold hearted bitch...
Me: If she only knew...

I'm sure one day I'll walk, I'll fund raise, I'll donate, etc.  But right now, too soon.  Especially because my bank statements are still showing the results of my own cancer.

Yes..You have to pay for medical bills.  I'll do another post on that later...but the other expenses are crazy.  And you don't think about them ahead of time.

• Food--in general.  Taste buds change and I have very specific needs/wants when it comes to food.  Expensive at times. 
• Clothing.  After the mastectomy, nothing fit right, and I had to get a lot of zip-up/button up stuff because regular shirts were hard for me to wear.  $10-$20 a shirt
• Bras: I feel that they deserve their own category.  It is STILL hard to find a bra in my drawer that fits right.  Usually I am wearing them just for formality, but sometimes I still have to wear them, and because my gals are a bit different these days, I had to buy some new ones.  at $15-$20 a bra, those add up.  
• Head wear.  I knew this would be an issue, but I didn't realize how pricey.  I'm not very vain, but I do like to match and to look like I'm suitable to go out of doors at times.  I can't even tell you how much I've spent on hats and scarves.  If I had to guess...I would go with about $400.  That sounds steep, but I think I'm low-balling it.  Think about it.  I probably have at least 10 hats.  I have at least 20 scarves.  They have been anywhere from $10-$20 each.  Even the ones from the TLC site are about $11-$12.  Either way, I spend a lot on head coverings.  At home?  I'm bald, but it's been too cold for me to leave the house this way, so I wear scarves and hats.  Although, I do feel that if it were warmer, I'd feel ok going bald in public now.  
• Wig.  I haven't gotten the bill for the wig yet, but I know it's coming.  Insurance is supposed to cover 90%, so that played a large role in why I purchased the one I did.  The wig was $490.  It may be inappropriate for me to write that here, but the purpose is for people to see the cost of things.  I mean, I could have picked the cheaper one.  I almost did.  But the one I picked looked very natural on me, and I was thinking about going back to work in August.  I don't want my hair to be an issue for anyone at work.  I want to go back to work and have people look at me like a normal teacher, not someone who just had cancer.  I felt that the wig would do that for me.  Hopefully I won't have to pay much for the wig, but it is still a cost that I didn't consider.  
• Pillows.  I have bought probably 3 different pillows since the surgery.  I can't seem to sleep right on any of them.  I can't sleep on my right side anymore, and I can't sleep on my stomach.  So, I tried pillows.  So far, nothing really works right (except the ativan-haha)  
• Medicine.  Prescriptions.  'nuff said. 

I'm sure there is more...but these are just some of the things I've been thinking about.  

I have an amazing support system, and I'm lucky enough to have a job during this.  I am on leave, yes, but the steady paycheck helps.  In no way was this post meant to evoke money woes, because we are doing absolutely fine.  We aren't breaking the bank, but it makes me think about people who aren't in my position.  If I didn't have an income, or didn't have my parents, or didn't have my husband, or friends, or family, etc. I don't know where I'd be.  I'm not just talking about the financial support, either...I'm talking about all of it.  These little costs that add up, they are manageable, but if I had to deal with all of those PLUS everything else (coping emotionally, taking care of Marie, appointments, surgeries, etc) on my own.... Well.  It would suck.  

So thanks everyone for helping with this experience and making it not suck too bad.