Makeup and clinical trials and radiation, oh my!

Part I:
So today was my radiation appointment.  It went about as well as it could.  I think deep down I knew that radiation was going to be in the cards, but for some reason I wanted them to tell me, "No, you don't need radiation, we got this."  Well, they didn't.  Dr. Kwon is the newest doctor on my dream team.  I love all my docs, but he was pretty cool.  He told it like it was, but also made sure to be a human being.  Most of the docs so far have been very "clinical".  That is their job, but it was nice to have someone talk to me at my level.  Troy and I have said from the beginning that if a doctor is somewhat arrogant, that's a good thing.  That means they are good at what they do, and that they probably have a pretty decent success rate.

My surgeons and the medical oncologist have all been pretty blunt and pretty confident in what they are doing.  It has been reassuring to say the least.  However, today it was kind of refreshing to have someone tell me what was going on in a way that was easy to understand, but somehow not condescending.

So what I will be needing is 5.5 weeks of radiation.  5 days/week (once a day), for a total of 28 sessions.

Here's the problem.  I start chemo this week.  If all goes well, I will be completely done with chemotherapy the second week of June.  Then, I wait 4-5 weeks and I start radiation.  Listen to how messed up my brain is.  I hear all of the positives and negatives of radiation.  Negatives: I get a really bad sunburn, I get tired, I have to come in once a day for 28 rounds, so it's an inconvenience, etc.  Positives? It takes my risk of recurrence from 10-15% to under 5%.  To me, that's enough of a positive. However, my crazy brain works this way.  I start doing math, and dates.  I realize that this will take me into the second or third week of school.  Immediately I freak out.  How the hell am I supposed to do this and be good for the school year.  Realistically, the treatments take about 15 minutes total.  Well, the treatments actually take about 3-4 minutes, but positioning me on the table and getting me situated takes the other 11-12 minutes.  The cancer center is pretty close to where I work, so I should be able to just get this done and go back to work.  I'm just really scared as to how the district/school will be able to figure it out.  I'm just worried about it.  So of course, I idiotically say this to the doc.  He then thinks I'm going to make a decision about whether or not to have radiation based on my job.  Which is crazy.  Absolutely crazy.  But, of course, I sound crazy.  Only I would panic about work, again.  Ugh.

For all of you out there who are reading this and thinking "why the hell would she care about that right now, she should focus on getting better," I AM focusing on that.  I am having the radiation done, and having it done on schedule.  Work will have to, well, work around it.  If they can't, then that is a bridge that I will have to cross at a later date.  My health really does come first.  I promise.


Part II.
I then had the "Look Good, Feel Better" class.  I walked in with my mom and realized, very quickly, that I was the youngest one there.  Noticing a trend?  I felt bad, in a way.  Here I was with my hair in tact, my eyebrows in tact, and my skin looking like average 28 year old skin.  Then, sitting at the table with me was a woman who was maybe in her mid to late 50s and her daughter who looked to be in her late 30s or early 40s--but this daughter was there as the supporter, not the supported.   Next to them was a woman who looked like she was in her late 60s.  She was alone, and was wearing a wig.  She had already started her treatments.  Next to her was another woman, in her late 40s or early 50s (it was hard to tell) who was also alone and had also started treatments.  Another woman who was a bit late came in straight from her radiation appointment, so she was clearly at the end of her treatment.

It was all a bit unsettling.  I got free makeup, that was a plus.  But, it made me that much more aware of how different I am.  I am very glad that I know someone else going through this who is closer to my age, because if I didn't, I think I was crazy.   I'm sure the tips in this class will come in handy eventually, but I felt like I was sort of cheating today.  I looked healthy, I could feel their eyes on me, and I swear I heard two of the presenters talking with the social worker about me...I heard snippets.   "No family history?...how did she find it?...etc. etc. etc."  I'm sure I'm exaggerating, but still.

I am kind of getting excited about the wigs and such.  I don't know why, I'm looking forward to trying them on and getting creative.  I really like my new haircut, and I think I'll like the pixie cut, too.  Afte all, I was told today that I have a face for short hair.  I'm going to go this week and buy a few wraps, and after tomorrow, I'll have the wig, too.

Part III.
I got into the clinical trial.  I won't know until Wednesday what group I'm in, but it is good to know that I got in.  I have to have an EKG and a blood test (which is really just a let's make sure you aren't pregnant test).  So out of everything, at least I got good news on that...hopefully I'm in the group that gets the herceptin.  Why not throw everything possible at this cancer.  I mean, really?

So, this was lengthy, but I think I've done a good job of updating you all. :)