Tough acts to follow

Me and Ken last year at this time--On a boat. 

So, after hearing about all of the people reading this (especially some pretty awesome former students), I've decided to really put some effort into it.  I figure, I have the time, and I'll have enough material to really get me through a lot here, so why not?

Tonight I did some research and started looking up other blogs (mainly about breast cancer).  There's a lot out there.  A LOT.  I was floored at the amount of inspirational women who take this very intimate and personal time in their lives and use it to motivate and inspire others.  I can only hope that maybe one day mine will do that too.  I don't know why, but all of a sudden (like-literally past 24 hours--maybe the new year thing has something to do with it), I feel very different about my diagnosis.  I feel like, maybe, I can do some good.  Maybe, I can make people laugh the way these other women have made me laugh.  Maybe, if someone else that has been diagnosed reads this, they can look at my writing for some form of comfort, if nothing else.  I know I'm not the best at this whole "blog" thing, but I also know that my diagnosis is rare.  I know that not a lot of women my age even think about breast cancer, let alone actually get diagnosed with it.  What I'm hoping, is that by being open and honest (which I always have been), I can reach out to others.

This whole things started as a way to update my family.  Incidentally, that is a phrase that almost every single blog that I looked at tonight(and I looked at a lot) used at some point.  That's how this started.  Less than a month ago, I made the decision to start this blog so that I could explain things once and only once.  I wanted an easy way to keep everyone in the loop.  I got a lot of suggestions.

• "Have a family member update everyone"-I didn't want to do this to any of my close family.  It's hard for them to talk about this--sometimes harder than it is for me.  I didn't need to send everyone to Troy for information, or to my mom, dad, or whoever.  
• "Use a care-page" (or something similar)-I didn't want to do this because I felt like that way I was resigning to the cancer.  I would become "cancer's bitch" (a term used by another blogger).  Those seem like pages for parents to update family on sick kids, or for people who are too close to death.  I wanted somewhere that I could post my true, honest, raw, unrelenting feelings on what was happening to me.  The carepage option just seemed too clinical for my tastes.  

So, I went with a blog.  I chose blogger for convenience.  I already had a google account, so I felt like that would be easy.  

I think I've just realized how truly therapeutic this can be.  It is nice to be able to write down how I really really feel about everything.  I can say things without getting the initial pity look.  I can say things without seeing people react in a way that will make me feel as though I am being inappropriate (which I know that I often am acting inappropriately).  I can say things that I might not otherwise have the guts to say in person.  

Going back to one of my first blogs--the MacBook that I got for a "cancer present" is coming in handy more and more every day.  I use it more than I've ever used a computer in my life.  I really look forward to my night-time blog post.  It's really become fun for me.  

So, on with the blogging.  Today was a great start to the New Year.  First, Troy made breakfast for Mal, Alex, and I.  It was great.  We watched Pitch Perfect (great film), and hung out.  Then, after the girls left, Troy and I napped--it was the last day that Troy would have to nap before going back to work, so we took advantage.   After this, I cleaned up a bit, then some former students came over.  This is the second visit I've had from former students since I've been home.  These visits really have reminded me the great things about being a teacher.  The kids that I've had the pleasure of teaching are turning into such great adults.  I'm so proud of all of them. 

I keep forgetting that today is the first day of 2013, and I really haven't talked about New Year's resolutions too much.  Well, I had the fake post the other night about them, but that doesn't count.  I usually don't make resolutions.  I really only have one for this year though.  

Ready?  

My New Year's Resolution for 2013 is to kick cancer's ass.  I think I've become very comfortable with the fact that I have cancer.  It's getting easier to say.  BUT, cancer better not get too comfortable, because it has already overstayed its welcome.  The lease has expired, and I will be evicting immediately.  

The first step was the surgery, and that is healing nicely.  I actually have become extremely comfortable with my scars and the way I look right now.  It's not only become easier to look in the mirror, but it has become almost invigorating.  I know that may not make sense, but I feel like the scars are already such a huge part of me.  The represent the beginning of a huge part of my life.  The next six months (and really the rest of my life) is going to have an impact on so many people -including me.  This breast surgery, and the visual reminders of the surgery are a symbol of that impact and a symbol of what I have to overcome.  Some of the things I have read have referred to the mastectomy as a sacrifice, and I really don't look at it that way.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my breasts.  I really did.  In terms of looks, my breasts were one of the good parts about me.  But, I'm getting new ones AND I don't really feel like I sacrificed anything.  Any move on my part to attempt to keep them would have been a sacrifice.  That would have been risking sacrificing my life for the sake of a pair of tits (sorry for the vulgar language).  The true sacrifice has been from others.  Time, energy, effort.  My family has made the sacrifice.  I haven't sacrificed anything yet.  

I want to end this VERY lengthy entry with a few things.  1.  Thank you to those of you who are following me on this journey (cliche metaphor--sorry).  It comforts and humbles me to no end to know that you are reading and that I am really that loved.  2. With regards to being open and honest, I want it known that I will try to answer any questions people have.  A lot of friends and family have had questions, and I think some people are nervous to ask, but don't be.  If I don't want to answer, I'll tell you I don't want to answer.  Usually, I'm an open book.  

Happy New Year everyone!  I'm going to make 2013 my bitch.