New Friends

Today was a good day.  I met up with someone today who is going through the same thing I am.  She was diagnosed roughly a month before me, and we seem to be following the same treatment plan at this point.  I really had a good time, and I hope she did too.  It was very nice and refreshing to not only talk to someone who has breast cancer, but to talk to someone who is dealing with it at the exact same time. I know that people mean well when they tell me they know someone who has had it, or that they themselves are a survivor.  It really is comforting to hear that people are still alive and well after dealing with this, but it is different, and refreshing to talk to someone currently dealing with the same emotions that I am at the same time.

We talked about a lot.  One thing that I have been meaning to write about was the "strength" aspect.  Everyone tells me all the time how "strong" I'm being.  I know that one day (and my coffee date mentioned this today as well) I will look back on this and say "wow, maybe I was strong", but right now, I'm in survival mode.  I have no choice but to be strong.  My new friend (I'm avoiding her name because I don't want to violate her privacy or use her story on here--but I'll call her Rachel for now--I'm watching Friends, so it fits) said that if it was one of her family members she doesn't know if she would be so strong.  I completely agree with her, and I hadn't thought of it like that.  If this were Troy, or one of my parents, or God forbid, Marie going through something similar, I don't think I could handle it.  I really think I would be a wreck.  I think that I would absolutely lose it.  So, when you think to yourself that I am being strong, remember how strong Troy and the rest of my family are being.  They are the strong ones, because I don't know that I could have that strength if I was in their position.  I have no choice right now in my own position, but they do.

It was also nice to see that it seems like she is taking this with the same attitude and sense of humor as me.  It was amazing to talk about the dreaded "cancer" with a smile on both of our faces.

Here's a secret, though: I'm scared.  I know I'll get through all of this, and I know it will all be ok, but I am scared.  I am, after all, only human.  I think right now, I'm going through the motions.  Call this doctor, make this appointment, take this test, get lab work done, etc, etc, etc.  Chemo will be the next big step, and I really am scared.  I'm not scared of the side effects, I'm not scared of the sickness part, but I think I'm just scared in general.  Whenever I allow myself to think about it, I think "Oh shit, I have cancer.  That's pretty serious."  That's when the fear hits me.

I think the real reason that I'm scared is because of the lack of control.  I never imagined myself a control freak, but I think I am.  This whole process has been so fast, and so crazy.   The real reason things have been so crazy is because I have no control over anything.  I'm at the mercy of the doctors and their schedules.  I'm at the mercy of the cancer: the type, the stage, the treatments it will need.  The doctors will (and do) tell me that I have choices and that I need to make decisions that will be the best for my family, but I really don't.  I'm not a doctor, they are the experts.  Whatever they tell me to do, I will.

The one thing that I have lost control over is the ability to provide Marie with a sibling.  I can deal with the cancer changing my schedule around, impacting my ability to work, making me sick, causing hair loss.  What I am struggling with is the cancer making it impossible for me to have another baby, or worse: making it dangerous for me to have another baby.  Troy and I have talked about it, and we both decided that me being healthy is the first priority.  Freezing my eggs is not really an option for me right now because I need to start chemo as soon as possible, and the process for that would take too long.  If, after chemotherapy, the docs told me to go ahead and start babymaking, I would.  However, I'm 99% ER/PR +.  This means that the type of cancer that I have grows when those hormones are in the picture.  I find it hard to believe that a doctor is going to be ok with me getting pregnant (since pregnancy raises the appearance of those hormones in the body) with this type of cancer.  Also, because of my ER/PR+ status, I will be taking a drug, tamoxifen, post-chemo for 5 years.  This helps to block the hormone, and it's not ok for pregnancy.

This is a question that I have not brought up to my doctors.  All of them, when this first started, brought up future pregnancy to me.  They all asked if I wanted more kids.  I said yes.  I also acknowledged the fact that it might not be in the cards.  The doctors know that I want another child.  They haven't brought it up since finding the ER/PR+ status.  I already feel like I know the answer.

This is something I will bring up eventually.  Please, if we talk about this, do not pressure me to talk to the doctors about it.  I will when I am ready.  I'm not OK with the answer that I'm expecting, but I can accept it eventually.  I have a beautiful healthy little girl that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and I know that is more than some people can ask for.  It is just unnerving that I can't be in control of this decision myself.

So, tomorrow, when my daughter comes back from her Disney vacation, I'm going to hug her, take her out to lunch, and enjoy the time with her.  She is going to become more spoiled than she already is (if that is even possible).  I need to be here (and alive) for her, and now I am just going to remind myself that we will never have to worry about being able to provide for her.  

Enough for now, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to my sarcastic cynical self.  Goodnight!