I mean, it's been a LIFETIME since I said goodbye to my classroom and the amazing people I work with. I've been off work for a total of 8 months. That's like, an entire school year.
I feel very conflicted about going back. I mean, I'm ready. Really ready. I need the routine. I need the adult contact. I need the distraction from the every day monotony that has become my life. I'll miss my flexibility though. I'll miss the every day interaction with Marie...watching her learn/grow/play/laugh/live. I know I'll still be able to do that, but watching her at home all this time has been great.
It's kind of funny...I see people posting about how summer was so short, or how they aren't ready to go back to school, or how each year the school year comes faster and faster, blah blah blah. Me? I'm like "yay! school!" I know that I'll regret saying that, but I really am ready for the year to start. The start of this year is so much more to me than it used to be. This year, it really means that I can move on with my life without cancer. Sure, there will be a lot of appointments, and followups left, but overall, I'll hopefully be going back to just being "Mrs. Marcum." That's what I'm ready for.
The first few weeks will be interesting. It's already started (and it's ok). People I haven't seen in a while, who may not read this, are wondering how I'm doing, what's left of my treatment, if I'm still feeling side effects, etc. Some people were even under the impression that I wasn't coming back. Ouch.
It's almost like I'm going through the diagnosis part all over again. What I mean, is that I'm telling the same "story" over and over again because I'm getting the same questions...which is kind of what happened at the beginning.
Also, all over again, I'm realizing more and more what I won't say to someone in my situation. I know that everyone means well, but comments like "I'm jealous", or "Wow, it's seems like this time has just flown by" are things that I don't really want to hear. Don't be jealous of me. Seriously. I know you mean well, but whether you are jealous of my time off (for TREATMENT and SURGERY), my hair, or my future boobs, it's just not worth it. Don't. be. jealous. I would trade anything to get my old life back. To be me, without the flashing "I have/had cancer" sign. And about time just "flying by"...Again...I know you mean well, but maybe it has flown by for you, but for me, it seems like an eternity. And it's still going. I still have herceptin every 3 weeks, I still take pills every day that are supposed to save my life, I still have to have another surgery, and I'll be following up with doctors and nurses probably for the rest of my life. So no, it hasn't flown by for me. I'm still waiting for it all to be over.
So, to review...school will be a welcome distraction for me, and it will allow me to get started on moving on with my life. Deep down, I'm really happy about the school year starting...but, to help out my fellow teachers, I'll pretend to be miserable with you as we get back into the swing of things. :)
