Cancer has taken a lot away from me. A lot. Slowly but surely, I am getting it all back.
I'm finally feeling like myself again. I feel like the chemo has finally exited my body. I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I could slowly sense that it was leaving. It was an odd feeling.
Now, if only my damn hair would grow faster. Any suggestions?
With as much as cancer has taken from me, you'd think I'd resent it. You think I'd be bitter all the time (I am bitter some of the time, and jealous--but that's another post). However, I'm not. Despite the thefts, cancer has also taught me a great deal. Some of these things include (but are not limited to)
How to apply make up better
Before cancer, I rarely put on more than concealer and mascara. Now, to preserve the femininity that I have left, I put on a great deal more than I used to. Sometimes, I'm actually pretty good at it.
How to draw eyebrows on my face (this is very different from makeup)
I never thought I'd have to do this, but I have become rather skilled in the arena.
How to tie scarves
I hope that I may finally be done with this.
Medical lingo
herceptin, heparin, tamoxifen, CT scan, echo, lymph system, lymph nodes, lymphatic massage...etc
An EXTREME appreciation of nurses and medical staff
Seriously, I cannot stress this enough (I've said it before, I know, but it's just THAT true)--to all my nursing friends, I love you!
How to check my modesty at the door
I've always said that after you give birth, modesty kind of goes out the window. Doctors see much more of you than you'd like and you learn to be ok with it. However, with breast cancer, it's much worse. It's gotten to the point that when I walk into any medical office, I get the urge to start taking off my shirt. I'm afraid that one day, I'll walk into the dentist and start stripping.
How to accept help, charity, money, friendship, etc.
I think it's our natural instinct to want to provide for our own and for ourselves. When people offer to help, we initially want to say "No, I've got this". For the most part, I did have this. However, sometimes I needed to accept the help. While I'm on the topic, thank you to all of you who were specific about how you wanted to help. It was very hard to respond when people would ask "let me know what I can do." At times, I barely know what I need, let alone enough to tell someone else.
Which brings me to the next point...
How to GIVE help:
Now I know if I have a friend or family member go through something like this how to provide. I know not to ask what to do, but instead to just DO. "Hey, I'll watch your kid for a few hours so you can sleep", "Hey, Here's dinner, cook it tonight, or tomorrow, this way you won't have to". Etc.
Priorities
I used to stress over a lot (and I still sorta do), but now I know what is important. Spending time with my family, making sure I am healthy. That's what is important, and even as life goes back to normal, I will maintain that mentality.
I've learned a lot from cancer. It's really sad that it takes something like this to make you not only realize what is most important, but to LIVE like you realize it.
Recently, I've also learned (not due to cancer), that no matter how well you live your life, or how much you do for others, people will still be there to shit on you (metaphorically). I feel like life throws these little tests at us for a reason. BUT, I do know one thing. In the end, the important people, the ones who really care, your real family (even if it may not be by blood) will be there for you. The ones that matter most will support you.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Pre-Radiation Vacation Sensation
Sorry...Had to rhyme...I was going to keep going, but I couldn't think.
I have to say. I love road trips. I was really nervous about going on this one. I know I seemed excited, but truth be told, I was anxious and nervous to get going. My family can attest to this. I was a royal bitch on the day we left, and they caught the worst of it--sorry fam. We got on the road at about 3:30. I sat in the back to sleep. I was exhausted.
It was fun. We laughed about the fact that we didn't really get out Will County until about 5:00 because we had to keep stopping. I feel like some road trips start that way, you get in the car, get going, and forget something, or get hungry, or have to pee. Ugh.
I have to take a quick detour from the road trip so that I can explain something.....So I'm not quite ready to go topless out in public. I know I shouldn't care, but I'm just not there yet.
HAH! You probably thought I was talking about my boobies. Nope. My head.
I apologize for the duck face, but I was sending my sis a pic of me in this new shirt she bought for me, so I was being silly. When I tried to take another non-duck face picture, I kept getting a double chin. So this is the one that is being posted on this blog. Deal with the duck face.
So, even though the hair is growing back, I'm still wearing the wraps. In the car, though, I take it off. It's supposed to be better for the hair growth. Well, every time we stopped, I would quickly remember my wrap and tie it back on. One of the stops, though, I did it quickly without looking in the mirror. I walked into the gas station, bought my snacks, and then took Marie to the bathroom. When I took her to wash her hands, I saw myself in the mirror. Wow. I looked like a member of the KKK. The back part of my wrap was sticking straight up and down in the air and went to a point at the top. It was awful. No idea how long I walked around like that. Ughhhh.
Anyway, here are some photos of the road trip.
I have to say. I love road trips. I was really nervous about going on this one. I know I seemed excited, but truth be told, I was anxious and nervous to get going. My family can attest to this. I was a royal bitch on the day we left, and they caught the worst of it--sorry fam. We got on the road at about 3:30. I sat in the back to sleep. I was exhausted.
It was fun. We laughed about the fact that we didn't really get out Will County until about 5:00 because we had to keep stopping. I feel like some road trips start that way, you get in the car, get going, and forget something, or get hungry, or have to pee. Ugh.
I have to take a quick detour from the road trip so that I can explain something.....So I'm not quite ready to go topless out in public. I know I shouldn't care, but I'm just not there yet.
HAH! You probably thought I was talking about my boobies. Nope. My head.
So, even though the hair is growing back, I'm still wearing the wraps. In the car, though, I take it off. It's supposed to be better for the hair growth. Well, every time we stopped, I would quickly remember my wrap and tie it back on. One of the stops, though, I did it quickly without looking in the mirror. I walked into the gas station, bought my snacks, and then took Marie to the bathroom. When I took her to wash her hands, I saw myself in the mirror. Wow. I looked like a member of the KKK. The back part of my wrap was sticking straight up and down in the air and went to a point at the top. It was awful. No idea how long I walked around like that. Ughhhh.
Anyway, here are some photos of the road trip.
On our way!
Happy camper!!
Trying on her ears (even though she still doesn't know where we are going...)
Me watching Arrested Development in the back of the van :)
Marie playing with the magnet toys I made her...Yes, I'm crafty.
Dad trying to get comfy...It didn't work out so well.
Troy finally getting some rest.
Marie enjoying one of the TWO movies she watched during our 20 hour drive. That's it, TWO!!
The entire back seat was sleeping...so cute. You can see my mom's midsection--she's in the way back. I love this pic because Troy and Marie have the same position. :)
Giant Peanut in Georgia. 'nuf said.
No, this isn't a scene from Final Destination 2,456,342. This was us behind a giant log truck. We almost died.
It's not coffee...just juice, but still cute. We were at our "fake" hotel, which turned out pretty awesome.
Finally sleeping in a real bed...looks so comfy.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Week in Review...
So the other day, my sister looks at me and says
"Um, you have to update your blog."
I said, "I know, I know."
I don't know why, but I haven't felt like writing lately. I haven't really felt like being on the computer. It's not a bad thing, I've just been really busy. I think I'm keeping myself busy on purpose. If I'm super busy, I can't think about all of the things that are stressing me out. I think for some reason, this week has stressed me out. I have had so much going on, and so many important things going on. It's not over yet, but it will be soon. I even had to cancel lunch plans with a great friend that I hadn't seen in a while. There was just too much to do.
I had/have a lot of doctor/medical appointments this week. I was super nervous. Why was I nervous? Well, we are leaving for Florida in a few days, and I didn't want to tell the oncologist that. I didn't want to tell any of my medical people this (docs, nurses, receptionists, etc). Why, you ask? Well the last time I planned on going to Florida, I was told no because I had to have major life changing surgery. You can understand if I was a little apprehensive about sharing my vacay plans with my docs.
When I met with my medical oncologist a few weeks ago, I found out that I could start radiation much sooner than planned. I thought I was going to have to work during radiation. This was a good thing. However, when he told me my potential "start" date, Troy and I looked at each other like "uh-oh". It went like this:
Doc: You can start as early as the 10th. Well, we will be in florida then...
Troy and Me: Exchange awkward glance....
Doc: Is there something you want to tell me?
Me: We will be out of town then... note that I said "Out of town"
Doc: Oh, that's fine, you can just start the following week.
Me: Phew.
Doc: Where are you going?
Me: looks at Troy...Florida...
Doc: Oh, so you weren't planning on being hot enough here? You had to go somewhere hotter? Hahahaha.
Phew. Awkward convo over. He didn't tell me no! Yay!
Fast Forward to this week.
Monday: Radiation Oncology appointment. This appointment was just to make sure I was doing well and to plan out radiation. I was extra nervous about hiding my vacation plans. I don't know why, I just didn't want him knowing. I didn't think he'd react well to me saying that I was going to be in hot florida sun just before radiation. Here's how that convo went:
Doc: So, we have to have this 900000 minute long appointment that we have to schedule, followed by a two week planning period, and then we can get you started.
Me: Well....I am going out of town next week.
Doc: That's ok, we'll do the 9000000 minute long appointment this week, and you don't have to be here for the planning period. We can start radiation the following week.
Me: Sounds good.
Now is the part where he goes into detail about all of these appointments and what to expect. Note: I love my radiation oncologist. He explains things so easily, he's easy to talk to, and overall I just feel really comfortable about what his plans are. Great doc.
As he explains everything, he looks at me and all of a sudden says "Are you planning on coming back from your trip all sunburned?"
Right away, I respond: "Nope."
That was it. I know, I know. I should have told him where I was going, but I didn't lie. I'm not planning on getting sunburned. I bought 1000000 SPF sunscreen in every style (lotion, spray, drink, etc), I have a sun hat the size of the moon, and I bought several awesome t-shirts that cover up my whole "chest wall" (that's where all the magic will happen). So, I feel comfortable with the fact that I told him the truth. I plan on taking really good care of my skin while I'm gone. I don't plan on "laying out" in the sun for too long. Plus, my skin doesn't really burn easily.
Tuesday: Marie has had this crazy cough lately. I thought to myself the other day, I wonder if it's an ear infection...but she isn't complaining about her ears. Oh well, we are going on a vacation, better safe than sorry. I booked an appointment for her just in case. Turns out, yep, it's an ear infection. So we got her started on antibiotics and we are good to go there.
Today (Wed.): I have a physical therapy appointment, which is really just a nice massage (I'll post more about that later--this post is turning out to be longer than I intended). After that, I have to go to the "Simulation" appointment for radiation. I plan on writing a post where I explain radiation, the lymphatic massage, etc. in detail. It'll be easier to understand.
Tomorrow (thurs.): Herceptin. Tomorrow at 9:00 will be my first treatment of herceptin on its own. The study that I'm in studies the effects of herceptin on patients with a low level of the HER2 protein. It's supposed to be beneficial.
HER2+ cancer: HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells make an excess of HER2 due to a gene mutation. This gene mutation and the elevated levels of HER2 that it causes can occur in many types of cancer — not only breast cancer. This is a gene mutation that occurs only in the cancer cells and is not a type of mutation that you can inherit from a parent. (mayoclinic.com)
My cancer is ER+/PR+/HER2-. Herceptin is the medication used to treat HER2+ patients.
Trastuzumab (Herceptin). Trastuzumab, which specifically targets HER2, kills these cancer cells and decreases the risk of recurrence. Trastuzumab is often used with chemotherapy. But it may also be used alone or in combination with hormone-blocking medications, such as an aromatase inhibitor or tamoxifen. Trastuzumab is usually well tolerated, but it does have some potential side effects, such as congestive heart failure and allergic reaction.
Now, before you worry about the side effects, I've already had this drug for the past 12 weeks. Plus, I got an echocardio gram before starting it, and I'll be getting another one done when I get back from florida, so they are monitoring me for the "potential side effects". This week, I'll just be getting it on its own. I'll have it ever 3 weeks for the next 9 months. This is NOT chemotherapy, but I do have to get it in my port, so it's kind of like I'm still getting chemo. There are basically no side effects (besides heart failure, haha--but I would know if that would happen to me).
After I get my half-hour cocktail of herceptin, it'll be time to load up the van. we plan on leaving whenever Troy gets home from work, and I will be taking the first shift. Yes, we are driving. Yay for us!
Expectation:
Reality:
"Um, you have to update your blog."
I said, "I know, I know."
I don't know why, but I haven't felt like writing lately. I haven't really felt like being on the computer. It's not a bad thing, I've just been really busy. I think I'm keeping myself busy on purpose. If I'm super busy, I can't think about all of the things that are stressing me out. I think for some reason, this week has stressed me out. I have had so much going on, and so many important things going on. It's not over yet, but it will be soon. I even had to cancel lunch plans with a great friend that I hadn't seen in a while. There was just too much to do.
I had/have a lot of doctor/medical appointments this week. I was super nervous. Why was I nervous? Well, we are leaving for Florida in a few days, and I didn't want to tell the oncologist that. I didn't want to tell any of my medical people this (docs, nurses, receptionists, etc). Why, you ask? Well the last time I planned on going to Florida, I was told no because I had to have major life changing surgery. You can understand if I was a little apprehensive about sharing my vacay plans with my docs.
When I met with my medical oncologist a few weeks ago, I found out that I could start radiation much sooner than planned. I thought I was going to have to work during radiation. This was a good thing. However, when he told me my potential "start" date, Troy and I looked at each other like "uh-oh". It went like this:
Doc: You can start as early as the 10th. Well, we will be in florida then...
Troy and Me: Exchange awkward glance....
Doc: Is there something you want to tell me?
Me: We will be out of town then... note that I said "Out of town"
Doc: Oh, that's fine, you can just start the following week.
Me: Phew.
Doc: Where are you going?
Me: looks at Troy...Florida...
Doc: Oh, so you weren't planning on being hot enough here? You had to go somewhere hotter? Hahahaha.
Phew. Awkward convo over. He didn't tell me no! Yay!
Fast Forward to this week.
Monday: Radiation Oncology appointment. This appointment was just to make sure I was doing well and to plan out radiation. I was extra nervous about hiding my vacation plans. I don't know why, I just didn't want him knowing. I didn't think he'd react well to me saying that I was going to be in hot florida sun just before radiation. Here's how that convo went:
Doc: So, we have to have this 900000 minute long appointment that we have to schedule, followed by a two week planning period, and then we can get you started.
Me: Well....I am going out of town next week.
Doc: That's ok, we'll do the 9000000 minute long appointment this week, and you don't have to be here for the planning period. We can start radiation the following week.
Me: Sounds good.
Now is the part where he goes into detail about all of these appointments and what to expect. Note: I love my radiation oncologist. He explains things so easily, he's easy to talk to, and overall I just feel really comfortable about what his plans are. Great doc.
As he explains everything, he looks at me and all of a sudden says "Are you planning on coming back from your trip all sunburned?"
Right away, I respond: "Nope."
That was it. I know, I know. I should have told him where I was going, but I didn't lie. I'm not planning on getting sunburned. I bought 1000000 SPF sunscreen in every style (lotion, spray, drink, etc), I have a sun hat the size of the moon, and I bought several awesome t-shirts that cover up my whole "chest wall" (that's where all the magic will happen). So, I feel comfortable with the fact that I told him the truth. I plan on taking really good care of my skin while I'm gone. I don't plan on "laying out" in the sun for too long. Plus, my skin doesn't really burn easily.
Tuesday: Marie has had this crazy cough lately. I thought to myself the other day, I wonder if it's an ear infection...but she isn't complaining about her ears. Oh well, we are going on a vacation, better safe than sorry. I booked an appointment for her just in case. Turns out, yep, it's an ear infection. So we got her started on antibiotics and we are good to go there.
Today (Wed.): I have a physical therapy appointment, which is really just a nice massage (I'll post more about that later--this post is turning out to be longer than I intended). After that, I have to go to the "Simulation" appointment for radiation. I plan on writing a post where I explain radiation, the lymphatic massage, etc. in detail. It'll be easier to understand.
Tomorrow (thurs.): Herceptin. Tomorrow at 9:00 will be my first treatment of herceptin on its own. The study that I'm in studies the effects of herceptin on patients with a low level of the HER2 protein. It's supposed to be beneficial.
HER2+ cancer: HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells make an excess of HER2 due to a gene mutation. This gene mutation and the elevated levels of HER2 that it causes can occur in many types of cancer — not only breast cancer. This is a gene mutation that occurs only in the cancer cells and is not a type of mutation that you can inherit from a parent. (mayoclinic.com)
My cancer is ER+/PR+/HER2-. Herceptin is the medication used to treat HER2+ patients.
Trastuzumab (Herceptin). Trastuzumab, which specifically targets HER2, kills these cancer cells and decreases the risk of recurrence. Trastuzumab is often used with chemotherapy. But it may also be used alone or in combination with hormone-blocking medications, such as an aromatase inhibitor or tamoxifen. Trastuzumab is usually well tolerated, but it does have some potential side effects, such as congestive heart failure and allergic reaction.
Now, before you worry about the side effects, I've already had this drug for the past 12 weeks. Plus, I got an echocardio gram before starting it, and I'll be getting another one done when I get back from florida, so they are monitoring me for the "potential side effects". This week, I'll just be getting it on its own. I'll have it ever 3 weeks for the next 9 months. This is NOT chemotherapy, but I do have to get it in my port, so it's kind of like I'm still getting chemo. There are basically no side effects (besides heart failure, haha--but I would know if that would happen to me).
After I get my half-hour cocktail of herceptin, it'll be time to load up the van. we plan on leaving whenever Troy gets home from work, and I will be taking the first shift. Yes, we are driving. Yay for us!
Expectation:
Reality:
I will be bringing my laptop so that I can post from the road. I'll make sort of a "play by play" of the drive, if I'm up to it.
That's all for now.
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