Lacking creativity and inspiration

I don't really have a lot of material for an update.  I'm kind of lacking motivation right now.
well, I didn't think I had material, but I just read through this before hitting "publish," and apparently I do.  So, get ready to read.  

In terms of the medical BS, I had a doc appointment today to remove the dreaded mole.  It was easy.  Can't even tell it was there.  Love Dr. C (See previous posts for doctors, haha).

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow for the stupid cracked tooth/missing filling/whatever the heck it is.

Monday, I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist to see if I will be needing radiation.  Tuesday, I have a wig fitting in the morning, then my school is hosting a fundraiser for me.  I'm extremely grateful, while uncomfortable at the same time.  The money issue is just starting to hit us, and I'm still uneasy about accepting charity of any kind, let alone physical money.  I'm extremely grateful, I've just never been in this position before.

I'm beginning to get a little stressed with everything.  I have a lot of appointments to keep up with, and it's overwhelming.  On top of all of that, I have to make sure everything is taken care of with my district.  It's difficult, because I don't have a "normal" job.  As much as I love teaching, this experience has made me realize how much easier it would be to have a normal job.

I did have a mini panic attack today about work and all of the paperwork that has to be done.  It is just really confusing and I just wish that one person would take over and say "I'll do all of this for you."

Luckily, someone kind of did today.  I wasn't expecting it, but it helped that my employer said "You shouldn't be worrying about this, you tell anyone to call me and we'll straighten it out."  It made me feel better.

It's really confusing because the doctor hasn't said "You can't work."  But here's the problem:  I'm a teacher.  This poses several issues:

1. When I do have to be absent, I need a sub.  Which means: Sub plans.  Any of you teachers out there know that sub plans can never be as good for a student as having the teacher who knows the content present in the classroom.  
2. I'm around students.  Students (no matter what age) = germs.  Yucky germs.  If and when I do have days where my immune system is compromised (and from my understanding, it will be) I will not be able to be around these germs/students.  More days absent=more sub plans. 
3. My students education is at risk.  This sounds cheesy, but realistically if I am not able to be 100%  certain of my schedule and the days that I will/won't be present, the students will suffer.  

This whole thing just sucks.  I know that I joke about looking forward to relaxing and being home, but the truth is, I'm going to miss teaching this semester.  I had some great students, and I work with some pretty awesome people.  I love the classes that I teach, and I was really looking forward to trying some new things this year.  I know that I'll get that chance next year, but all of the paperwork and trying to convince people why I'll need the semester off (which still baffles me that I have to explain that...I think people don't understand chemo--I still don't understand it) has really made me realize that I DON'T want to be gone for the semester.   Oh well.  

Friday night we are going out to dinner for my birthday.  My birthday isn't until the 20th, but we're celebrating early as a family to get it out of the way before chemo starts.  My first round is the 17th (I think I said that already), so I'm preparing to be a bit  under the weather that weekend.  

I feel like this week and the beginning of next are kind of a tease.  I feel perfectly fine. Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing/how I'm feeling.  I'm feeling physically fine.  However, I think the emotional toll of it all is starting to kick in.  Honestly, I'm terrified.  I feel weird even typing that out, but I'm just now starting to admit it to myself.  I cried in bed with Troy the other night.  He's seriously my rock.  He knows just what I need.  He knows not to ask "what's wrong", and he even knows not to say "It's all going to be fine", because for some reason, I don't like hearing that.  He knows to just tell me that he's scared too, and that he's here.  He just knows.  I'm even getting slightly emotional typing this.  Everything is just getting very real.  Wig appointments, classes to teach me how to make myself "pretty" while undergoing chemotherapy, social workers, radiation appointments, bra shopping (I never thought I could hate it more than I already did, but I do), echocardiograms, lab work, etc.  It's just a lot. I feel strong and positive, and for the most part, I am, but I am human.  Maybe some people will be happy to hear that, haha (not that I'm sad, just that I'm human). 

Well, my lack of creativity apparently just means that I'm more mopey than usual.  It's also a lot easier to dwell on things when I don't have Troy here to distract me.  He's on an overnight business trip--being awesome--so I think I'm just missing having him here.  I'm so proud of him with this new job.  I know he's really happy with it.  

Well, I'll leave you all with a happy thought.  This is Marie's favorite song right now. 

This is my child.  Every time it comes on. 

Goodnight cyberspace.