Life Lessons

Cancer has taken a lot away from me.  A lot.  Slowly but surely, I am getting it all back.

I'm finally feeling like myself again.  I feel like the chemo has finally exited my body.  I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I could slowly sense that it was leaving.  It was an odd feeling.

Now, if only my damn hair would grow faster.  Any suggestions?

With as much as cancer has taken from me, you'd think I'd resent it.  You think I'd be bitter all the time (I am bitter some of the time, and jealous--but that's another post).  However, I'm not.  Despite the thefts, cancer has also taught me a great deal.  Some of these things include (but are not limited to)

How to apply make up better
Before cancer, I rarely put on more than concealer and mascara.  Now, to preserve the femininity that I have left, I put on a great deal more than I used to.  Sometimes, I'm actually pretty good at it.  
How to draw eyebrows on my face (this is very different from makeup)
I never thought I'd have to do this, but I have become rather skilled in the arena. 
How to tie scarves
I hope that I may finally be done with this. 
Medical lingo
herceptin, heparin, tamoxifen, CT scan, echo, lymph system, lymph nodes, lymphatic massage...etc
An EXTREME appreciation of nurses and medical staff
Seriously, I cannot stress this enough (I've said it before, I know, but it's just THAT true)--to all my nursing friends, I love you!  
How to check my modesty at the door
I've always said that after you give birth, modesty kind of goes out the window.  Doctors see much more of you than you'd like and you learn to be ok with it.  However, with breast cancer, it's much worse.  It's gotten to the point that when I walk into any medical office, I get the urge to start taking off my shirt.  I'm afraid that one day, I'll walk into the dentist and start stripping.  
How to accept help, charity, money, friendship, etc. 
I think it's our natural instinct to want to provide for our own and for ourselves.  When people offer to help, we initially want to say "No, I've got this".  For the most part, I did have this.  However, sometimes I needed to accept the help.  While I'm on the topic, thank you to all of you who were specific about how you wanted to help.  It was very hard to respond when people would ask "let me know what I can do."  At times, I barely know what I need, let alone enough to tell someone else.  
Which brings me to the next point...
How to GIVE help:
Now I know if I have a friend or family member go through something like this how to provide.  I know not to ask what to do, but instead to just DO.  "Hey, I'll watch your kid for a few hours so you can sleep", "Hey, Here's dinner, cook it tonight, or tomorrow, this way you won't have to".  Etc.  
Priorities
I used to stress over a lot (and I still sorta do), but now I know what is important.  Spending time with my family, making sure I am healthy.  That's what is important, and even as life goes back to normal, I will maintain that mentality.  

I've learned a lot from cancer. It's really sad that it takes something like this to make you not only realize what is most important, but to LIVE like you realize it.

Recently, I've also learned (not due to cancer), that no matter how well you live your life, or how much you do for others, people will still be there to shit on you (metaphorically).  I feel like life throws these little tests at us for a reason.  BUT, I do know one thing.  In the end, the important people, the ones who really care, your real family (even if it may not be by blood) will be there for you.  The ones that matter most will support you.

Pre-Radiation Vacation Sensation

Sorry...Had to rhyme...I was going to keep going, but I couldn't think.

I have to say.  I love road trips.  I was really nervous about going on this one.  I know I seemed excited, but truth be told, I was anxious and nervous to get going.  My family can attest to this.  I was a royal bitch on the day we left, and they caught the worst of it--sorry fam.  We got on the road at about 3:30.  I sat in the back to sleep.  I was exhausted.

It was fun.  We laughed about the fact that we didn't really get out Will County until about 5:00 because we had to keep stopping.  I feel like some road trips start that way, you get in the car, get going, and forget something, or get hungry, or have to pee.  Ugh.

I have to take a quick detour from the road trip so that I can explain something.....So I'm not quite ready to go topless out in public.  I know I shouldn't care, but I'm just not there yet.













HAH!  You probably thought I was talking about my boobies.  Nope.  My head.

I apologize for the duck face, but I was sending my sis a pic of me in this new shirt she bought for me, so I was being silly.  When I tried to take another non-duck face picture, I kept getting a double chin.  So this is the one that is being posted on this blog.  Deal with the duck face.

So, even though the hair is growing back, I'm still wearing the wraps.  In the car, though, I take it off.  It's supposed to be better for the hair growth.  Well, every time we stopped, I would quickly remember my wrap and tie it back on.  One of the stops, though, I did it quickly without looking in the mirror. I walked into the gas station, bought my snacks, and then took Marie to the bathroom.  When I took her to wash her hands, I saw myself in the mirror.  Wow.  I looked like a member of the KKK.  The back part of my wrap was sticking straight up and down in the air and went to a point at the top.  It was awful.  No idea how long I walked around like that.  Ughhhh.


Anyway, here are some photos of the road trip.

 On our way!

 Happy camper!!

 Trying on her ears (even though she still doesn't know where we are going...)

 Me watching Arrested Development in the back of the van :)

Marie playing  with the magnet toys I made her...Yes, I'm crafty.  

 Dad trying to get comfy...It didn't work out so well.  

 Troy finally getting some rest. 

 Marie enjoying one of the TWO movies she watched during our 20 hour drive.  That's it, TWO!!

 The entire back seat was sleeping...so cute.  You can see my mom's midsection--she's in the way back.  I love this pic because Troy and Marie have the same position. :)

 Giant Peanut in Georgia.  'nuf said. 

No, this isn't a scene from Final Destination 2,456,342.  This was us behind a giant log truck.  We almost died.  

 It's not coffee...just juice, but still cute.  We were at our "fake" hotel, which turned out pretty awesome.  

Finally sleeping in a real bed...looks so comfy.  

Week in Review...

So the other day, my sister looks at me and says

"Um, you have to update your blog."

I said, "I know, I know."

I don't know why, but I haven't felt like writing lately.  I haven't really felt like being on the computer.  It's not a bad thing, I've just been really busy.  I think I'm keeping myself busy on purpose.  If I'm super busy, I can't think about all of the things that are stressing me out.  I think for some reason, this week has stressed me out.  I have had so much going on, and so many important things going on.  It's not over yet, but it will be soon.  I even had to cancel lunch plans with a great friend that I hadn't seen in a while.  There was just too much to do.
I had/have a lot of doctor/medical appointments this week.  I was super nervous.  Why was I nervous?  Well, we are leaving for Florida in a few days, and I didn't want to tell the oncologist that.  I didn't want to tell any of my medical people this (docs, nurses, receptionists, etc).  Why, you ask?  Well the last time I planned on going to Florida, I was told no because I had to have major life changing surgery.  You can understand if I was a little apprehensive about sharing my vacay plans with my docs.

When I met with my medical oncologist a few weeks ago, I found out that I could start radiation much sooner than planned.  I thought I was going to have to work during radiation.  This was a good thing.  However, when he told me my potential "start" date, Troy and I looked at each other like "uh-oh".  It went like this:
Doc:  You can start as early as the 10th.  Well, we will be in florida then...
Troy and Me: Exchange awkward glance....
Doc: Is there something you want to tell me?
Me: We will be out of town then...  note that I said "Out of town" 
Doc: Oh, that's fine, you can just start the following week.
Me: Phew. 
Doc: Where are you going?
Me: looks at Troy...Florida...
Doc: Oh, so you weren't planning on being hot enough here?  You had to go somewhere hotter?  Hahahaha.

Phew.  Awkward convo over.  He didn't tell me no!  Yay!

Fast Forward to this week.   

Monday: Radiation Oncology appointment.  This appointment was just to make sure I was doing well and to plan out radiation.  I was extra nervous about hiding my vacation plans.  I don't know why, I just didn't want him knowing.  I didn't think he'd react well to me saying that I was going to be in hot florida sun just before radiation.  Here's how that convo went:

Doc: So, we have to have this 900000 minute long appointment that we have to schedule, followed by a two week planning period, and then we can get you started.
Me: Well....I am going out of town next week.
Doc: That's ok, we'll do the 9000000 minute long appointment this week, and you don't have to be here for the planning period.  We can start radiation the following week.
Me: Sounds good.

Now is the part where he goes into detail about all of these appointments and what to expect.  Note: I love my radiation oncologist.  He explains things so easily, he's easy to talk to, and overall I just feel really comfortable about what his plans are.  Great doc.  
As he explains everything, he looks at me and all of a sudden says "Are you planning on coming back from your trip all sunburned?"
Right away, I respond: "Nope."

That was it.  I know, I know.  I should have told him where I was going, but I didn't lie.  I'm not planning on getting sunburned.  I bought 1000000 SPF sunscreen in every style (lotion, spray, drink, etc), I have a sun hat the size of the moon, and I bought several awesome t-shirts that cover up my whole "chest wall" (that's where all the magic will happen).  So, I feel comfortable with the fact that I told him the truth.  I plan on taking really good care of my skin while I'm gone.  I don't plan on "laying out" in the sun for too long.  Plus, my skin doesn't really burn easily.

Tuesday:  Marie has had this crazy cough lately.  I thought to myself the other day, I wonder if it's an ear infection...but she isn't complaining about her ears.  Oh well, we are going on a vacation, better safe than sorry.  I booked an appointment for her just in case.  Turns out, yep, it's an ear infection.  So we got her started on antibiotics and we are good to go there.

Today (Wed.): I have a physical therapy appointment, which is really just a nice massage (I'll post more about that later--this post is turning out to be longer than I intended).  After that, I have to go to the "Simulation" appointment for radiation.  I plan on writing a post where I explain radiation, the lymphatic massage, etc. in detail.  It'll be easier to understand.

Tomorrow (thurs.):  Herceptin.  Tomorrow at 9:00 will be my first treatment of herceptin on its own.  The study that I'm in studies the effects of herceptin on patients with a low level of the HER2 protein.  It's supposed to be beneficial.

HER2+ cancer: HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells make an excess of HER2 due to a gene mutation. This gene mutation and the elevated levels of HER2 that it causes can occur in many types of cancer — not only breast cancer. This is a gene mutation that occurs only in the cancer cells and is not a type of mutation that you can inherit from a parent. (mayoclinic.com) 

My cancer is ER+/PR+/HER2-.  Herceptin is the medication used to treat HER2+ patients.

Trastuzumab (Herceptin). Trastuzumab, which specifically targets HER2, kills these cancer cells and decreases the risk of recurrence. Trastuzumab is often used with chemotherapy. But it may also be used alone or in combination with hormone-blocking medications, such as an aromatase inhibitor or tamoxifen. Trastuzumab is usually well tolerated, but it does have some potential side effects, such as congestive heart failure and allergic reaction.

Now, before you worry about the side effects, I've already had this drug for the past 12 weeks.  Plus, I got an echocardio gram before starting it, and I'll be getting another one done when I get back from florida, so they are monitoring me for the "potential side effects".  This week, I'll just be getting it on its own.  I'll have it ever 3 weeks for the next 9 months. This is NOT chemotherapy, but I do have to get it in my port, so it's kind of like I'm still getting chemo.  There are basically no side effects (besides heart failure, haha--but I would know if that would happen to me).

After I get my half-hour cocktail of herceptin, it'll be time to load up the van.  we plan on leaving whenever Troy gets home from work, and I will be taking the first shift.  Yes, we are driving.  Yay for us!

Expectation:

Reality:

I will be bringing my laptop so that I can post from the road.  I'll make sort of a "play by play" of the drive, if I'm up to it. 

That's all for now.  

Happy Memorial Day!

I want to start this post of with some apologies. 

1. I am sorry for not posting.  I know that a lot of people have been asking about me and wondering how I'm doing (or maybe I'm just vain and think people are asking about me and such), but I have just not really had the desire to get on the computer at all let alone make a blog post.  

I feel like for a while nothing has really been different.  Especially now that I'm getting the same treatment every week, so really nothing changes week to week.  I like routine, but I'm definitely ready for a change.  

Which brings me to my next apology:

2. At the start of all of this I was making plans, having coffee, lunch, dinner, playdates, etc.  I wanted to keep myself as busy as possible.  Things are winding down, and lately I've been avoiding making too many plans.  So, if you've tried to get together with me recently, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm avoiding it.  I just am enjoying the down time.  

I haven't quite felt like myself lately.  I've realized that chemo changes a lot.  I'm not shooting for sympathy points, but I am shooting for reality here.  I think people think about the hair loss, and the "sickness" and that's pretty much it.  In reality, I feel like I have done a physical 180.  I know I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff, but the way I look has taken a huge toll on me emotionally (probably a huge reason why I don't want to go out and make a ton of plans).  

First, there's the hair loss.  I'm ok with that now, it's just annoying.  It is growing back already, which is exciting, but that was a big part of my looks that went away.  

Also, my breasts.  It's very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I feel as though they will never feel/look the same again.  The expanders that I have in right now are doing the job of making room for the implant, which won't go in until September at the earliest.  The expanders go in behind my muscle, but in front of my ribcage.  This is because I need something else between the skin and the implant to hold the implant in.  

(above) This is the expander itself.  It has a dark area that is a magnet which shows the plastic surgeon where to inject the saline.  I had my last saline injection back in February.  We'll see if I get to go bigger, haha.  

(Above) This is how it will look.  The one on the left is with the expander.  They are really firm and uncomfortable.  It feels like I'm wearing a too-tight bra ALL THE TIME.  They also have seams/pockets that feel really funny from the outside.  I know this part makes no sense, but there are areas that feel like rippling plastic.  It's weird.  The one on the left is with the implant.  So once the muscle is lifted from the chest wall, there will be room for my implant.  This won't be until around September or so.  We will see.  I just can't wait.  

In other news, this Thursday marks my LAST official chemotherapy treatment.  I can't believe it is only three days away.  If something gets in the way, I will be super upset.  So, mother nature: No flooding, no crazy heatwaves that cause the power to go out, basically NOTHING that gets in the way of getting me in that chair on Thursday.  

I have noticed that the side effects have gotten worse as time goes on, which makes me that much more excited for this to be over.  Overall, I've felt ok with the taxol, but there are some things that I won't miss.  

Here they are: 

• Going through insane amounts of kleenex.  I have had a constant runny nose/congested sinus system since January.  I'm ready for that to be over.  I feel as though I have personally contributed 100 used boxes of kleenex to my local landfill.    
• Daily bloody noses.  I wake up EVERY morning with a bloody nose, and depending on whether or not I blow my nose, I may get several.  
• Muscle fatigue.  I wake up in the morning (usually on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday after treatment) feeling like I have walked around a theme park all day. My feet hurt, my legs are sore, and I just don't want to move.  The worst part is, I'm not tired, I'm just sore.  
• Numbness.  Overall numbness.  I got it at first after the surgery, then with taxol, I started to get it in my finger tips.  It went away.  Then, the doc says "Do you get any numbness or tingling in your feet?"  Me: "Nope, my feet are fine."  Now, my right foot has been numb since that day.  Weirdest feeling ever.  Sucks. 
• Weight gain.  Enough said. 
• Not having eyebrows.  I have always had pretty thick eyebrows.  So when I was told that taxol would make them thin out, I was kind of ok with it.  But now, I have to use a brow pencil so I don't look like a crazy person.  I have such a scattered array of eyebrow hairs that I have to fill them in.  
• Eyelashes falling out.  I tried to keep it at bay at first, but then I realized it was a lost cause.  Luckily, I only lost some of my eyelash hairs.  I can still put mascara on and not look totally weird.  However, I lost most of the hairs on the bottom lashes, and now they are kind of growing back in.  It's pretty weird because it makes my eyes itch like crazy.  They are these little darts made of hair sticking out of my lower eyelid.  I just noticed them today.  

I know this is a weird picture, but this is what my eyebrows and eyelashes look like without any  makeup.  Not horrible, but those lower baby lashes that are coming in are irritating the crap out of my eyes, haha.  

• Tying scarves.  I won't want to look at another scarf for a LONG time after this.  I'm glad it's summer and I'll get a bit of a break before having to see them again.  My hair is starting to grow back, however, and I'm excited about that.  

I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to sound like I'm whining or complaining.  

This is how much I have changed since September.  Crazy, right? 

A lot going on...two posts in one day!

First, I'm going to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while.  I want to acknowledge some of the blogs that I've been reading/following since I've been diagnosed.  They have been such a huge help in so many different ways.  Most of the ones I read are listed along the side of my page, so PLEASE check those out.

Some I wanted to pin-point for all of you are right here:

http://fightingfancy.com  This woman is awesome.  She was diagnosed a year ago and within that year, so much has happened to her.  She was exactly my age at diagnosis--even had her birthday right around her first chemo treatment.  I feel that I can really relate to her. PLUS, in that year, she started a non-profit organization sending out chemo care bags around the country.  I even got one! :)

http://www.stupiddumbbreastcancer.blogspot.com 

This woman is great, too.  She is fierce and she's fighting with all she has.  She has become involved in almost every way possible to spread awareness and early detection information.  Good for you, Ann Marie!  

http://www.tarabeatscancer.com   

Tara has started an awesome organization called Writing Saves Lives.  It's a great idea and you should check it out.  I hope that it grows and comes out to the midwest some day.  Way to go, Tara!

*********

The next thing on my list to write about...my big day yesterday.   First, let me start by saying that my parents were out of town.  My mom usually helps with all this stuff, an I appreciate that help so much more now.  

Marie had her "Mother's Day" celebration at preschool yesterday.  I wanted to be able to go, so I made sure to schedule chemo (yes, I had chemo yesterday) for later in the day.  Because of scheduling it so late, I would have to take Marie with me to chemotherapy because I wouldn't make it out in time to pick her up from school.  So, that's how we start.  

Rusty and Duke (the dogs) had an appointment at petco because we had someone come to clean the house.  It's been nice to have that help a few times a month.  So I get Marie in the car, throw the dogs in too, and head out the door.  First, Marie goes to school.  She kind of had a rough day the other day, so I had to talk to her teachers about that.  Then, I rush back to the car, take the dogs to petco.  I had to be back at my house to let in the housekeeper and pay her.  So I get to petco, and find out that they can't take Rusty because he still had his stitches in.  Now, this makes perfect sense, but it doesn't change the fact that I thought "CRAP, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT." Well luckily my bro was ok with me dropping the dog off with him.  Did that, rushed back home, showered (still hadn't done that yet), and let the woman in to clean our house.  Then, I ran out the door to run a few errands before the Mother's Day celebration.  I get to the school and Marie starts out fine and happy.  Then, she turns on me...She was cranky and didn't want to play with anyone.  The kids did this really cute rendition of you are my sunshine for the moms, and my kid didn't even sing a note.  She sat on my lap the whole time. 

All in all, it was a fun little celebration.  

 excited to see me :)

 Giving me my gift 

Marie and Brinley (My cancer buddy's daughter)

Then, we had some time to kill, so we went to lunch, to a park, and to have some FroYo...it's a new fad popping up ALL over the area.  Self serve and whatnot.  

We played checkers...she reminded me the WHOLE time that "Daddy taught me how to play"

She beat the crap out of me.  

Then, off to chemo.  She was pretty good, but it was stressful and difficult keeping her occupied the whole time.  Literally 3 1/2 hours.  She desperately needed a nap, but did not take one.  The crayons and crafty stuff I brought only kept her occupied for so long.  We put in a movie, and she did sit still--mostly--for that.  When they gave me the Benadryl, I seriously was afraid of falling asleep and having my daughter run like a wild woman around the cancer center.  The nurses were great, they talked with her and she did "enjoy" being there.  I think it was good for her to see what I go through every week.  

                   

Pic one: Seemingly happy and coloring                            Pic two: Bored.  I don't blame her. 

Then we went to get the dog and met a friend for dinner back at my place.  At around 8:00, Marie fell right asleep when I put her to bed.  Big day for her I guess.  I made it through about 20 minutes of the Hawks game before crashing myself.  I will say, last night was my first time popping an ativan in a while.  I figured I needed a good night sleep after the long day I had.  

Three Mo'

For those of you who saw my good friend Mallory's facebook post, I feel that I must explain.

Every year, my best girlfriends and I go on a trip somewhere.  For a while, it was the dells every year.  Then we switched it up a couple of times.  Just for fun.  Either way, one year, we stumbled upon a Maury video that has become sort of our mantra for a while.  This girl Victoria just appalled us, but also made us laugh.  We quote it all the time.

Some favorites?  "If I can't afford it, I guess I'm gonna st'il it." (we think she's referring to stealing stuff for her baby"

"pacifiers? I got three mo'"

"That's cool, because I got it like that"

If you are curious, this will help you out.

She's absolutely crazy.  Anyway, this "three mo'" quote has kind of followed us around.  Mal mentioned last week that when I was down to three chemo treatments left, she was going to remember this video, and she did not disappoint.  So we always take a picture like this when we are together:

 So that is the explanation of "Three mo'"

Thanks Victoria, you have given us so much.


So in typical Victoria fashion---
Chemotherapy? That's ok, I got three mo'!!!

I'll keep this short and sweet but I do have a large post for later about my day yesterday, chemo and all. So I'll probably have two blog posts today.  Don't get too excited.

Jekyll and Hyde

Of course, I'm referring to my four-year-old.  Yes.  She is Jekyll and Hyde.  One day she's the best kid in the world and I think to myself "I love this stage."

The next?  Call in the priests, because we may need an exorcism.
Ok, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but not much.

Here's my happy-go-lucky child:

I don't take pictures of her when she's in her demon phases...mostly because I'm afraid the image will show some other being that has possessed her leaving her body...but I did ask her to show me an angry face for the camera a few times.  This is what I got.  

<----Seriously...Father Merrin?  Where are you? 

<------This is mostly her being silly, but you get the idea. 

I have no idea which Marie to expect.  She'll walk in the room in the morning and I place my hands over my face in a defensive manner in order to shield myself from whatever she's going to throw at me (literally, she has thrown things at me) while I wait to see which Marie I am going to see.  

Overall, I've loved being home and spending time with her, but it has really made me question my parenting skills.  I know that she's only 3 (4 in two weeks), and that tantrums and mood swings are normal, but I seriously don't know how to handle discipline in these moments.  

Oh well.  I'll just go to bed and pray every night for moments like this...