Facebook

So, this post is not meant to offend anyone, it is just meant for me to vent for a minute.

I feel like cancer has ruined Facebook for me.  It has already ruined (or will soon ruin):

• Disney Trip
• My Breasts
• My Nipples (sorry, dad)
• My hair
• My taste buds (or so I hear)
• The remainder of my school year
• and I'm sure a lot of things will be added to this list as I begin chemo...

But NOW?!  Facebook, too?  Really, cancer? REALLY!?

I haven't been super addicted to Facebook, but I do occasionally check it, and honestly since I've been home, I have been using it more often.  But now, some of the posts just really piss me off.  I love reading about peoples families, their holidays, seeing pictures of people doing fun things.  These are the things I love.  I have a lot of friends that are really funny, too.  So overall, Facebook still has its perks.  However, I feel like even though I've been strong, when I see certain complaints, I just want to scream (or comment in all caps) I HAVE CANCER--CAN YOU STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SNOW?!?!  <----this is a bit of an exaggeration in terms of the types of posts I am talking about, but you get the point.  

Now, my fellow breast cancer comrade (survivor, fighter, warrior, insert clever name for someone battling breast cancer here) brought up the very true sentiment that if we didn't have breast cancer, we would most likely be posting about mundane things, too.  This is very true.  I completely agree.  But, still.  I find it slightly annoying that people complain about things that I wish were the only things that I had to worry about.  I think it's mainly my jealousy that I can't complain about those things.  That's one of the reasons I started this blog.  People can choose to read about my complaints (and I'm sure there will be many).  My current Facebook statuses would look something like this: 

This cancer crap really puts things in perspective.  I mean, certain things become less important, I guess.  

On a lighter and brighter note.  I have the best daughter in the world.  Never-mind that I am biased, and that she will probably be my only daughter (a wise woman once told me that the more you say something out loud--or in this case through typing--the less power it has, so I will be referring to cancer/not being able to have kids a lot.  If it bothers you, stop reading), she is just completely amazing.  Today, we went to "Grandma Jackie's" for a belated Christmas celebration.  We were able to spend a good day with family, although Marie was a bit unhappy with the lack of presents in her pile....

She was so great and so grateful.  She said "I love it! I love it! I love it!" after each present.  Whether it was clothes (I always thought clothing was a boring present as a kid--now I love it), or toys, she loved them all.  Great kid.  

Tonight, she let me give her a bath (she's hated those lately), and then she wanted to watch a movie.  We went upstairs and I was about to put one in, but she started playing with her dollhouse.  I asked her if she would rather play with her dollhouse, or watch a movie.  She said "I want to play with my dollhouse with you, mommy."

We played for about 30 minutes.  So cute.  Then, she let me and Troy read to her, and said "If I sleep in my bed all night, I get a sticker." She's been really good about sleeping in her bed (well, for two nights).  

It was a great night, and now, Friends is on.  Time to watch TV until I drift into dreamland.  

On the road!

So today we are heading to visit my in-laws for a belated Xmas celebration. We are all very excited. It should be a great day. I love heading to Freeport and seeing troys family. Marie is very excited to see grandma Jackie and uncle Travis!

I went to the doctor yesterday. Dr. M said I looked great. My scars are healing "beautifully". Whenever they say that I always think "well, how often do you work with 28 year old skin?" He also mentioned that he spoke with Dr. H about me. He said he refers to me as the 28 year old, and that doctor Hantel said, "I know who Lisa marcum is." This means I'm an important case I guess. But, also, I'd hope that my docs know me, haha.

Another stop yesterday was the cancer center so that I could sign my life away for the study. It was a very long very scary packet, but I signed it anyway. I found out that my first day of chemo will hopefully be January 17th. This means, if I react the same way as my new friend, my birthday(1/20) will suck. Oh well. It will give me that much more reason to celebrate next year.

That's all for now. Sorry for any mistakes-blogging from the phone this morning.

fun morning

I am continually amazed by how awesome my little girl can be.  I slept funny last night, so when I woke up this morning I was in a bit of pain.  I woke up at 7:00 to Marie climbing in my bed saying "Good morning, I want to eat crunchy crunch with you".  I told her to wait and cuddle with me until I was ready to get up.  She watched an episode of Mickey..while I realized that she had slept in her bed all night....For those of you who know how much I've struggled with this since the move, this is a big deal.  She even asked me "Mommy, you slept in your bed all night, too.  Do you get a sticker?" So yes, today we will be purchasing her a new 2013 calendar with a fun set of stickers.

She then went downstairs, brought me up a Diet Coke (yes, she knows my addiction), a pop tart (I didn't even know we had any left), and sat with me while we shared "breakfast" (I use the term loosely).  THEN, she said "I'm going to play with my dollhouse".  She went into her room--which is attached to ours through a jack-and-jill type bathroom--and she played with all of her Christmas toys.  I sat in my room and watched House.  This is how the next hour passed:

Marie: MOMMY?!
Me: Yes?
Marie: I LOVE YOU!
Me: I love you too! :-)
Marie: MOMMY?!?!
Me: Yes?
Marie: Can the mommy drive the van?!? --(This relates to her dollhouse toys)
Me: Of course sweetie!
Marie: Mommy?!?!?
Me: Yes?
Marie: I LOVE YOU!
Me: I love you too!!

And hit repeat about thirty times.  So cute.

Then-we did this:

Happy things!

Marie is back!!  Mom and Dad, I was happy to see you, but at 5 a.m. when Julie, Ken, Jeff, and Patrick pulled in the driveway to drop off Marie, I could not have been happier.  I was still somewhat drowsy, but then I rolled over, I saw Troy holding her, and I was so excited.  She was sleeping, so Troy put her in bed to cuddle with me while he got ready for work.  She woke up briefly and was very confused...but then she said "Mommy, I went to Disney, and it was the same."  I literally laughed out loud.  It was probably the best thing she could have said.  I was kind of getting sad that I wasn't able to go with them, and her telling me "it was the same", even though I know she had a blast, made me feel like she didn't have this amazing special time without me.  Does that make sense?  It might not, but it still made me smile.

So, today, we woke up, I gave her a bath, we unpacked, then went to lunch.  She ate bread (I really need to work on her diet), and then we went to Monkey Joe's (a bounce house place).  She had a lot of fun, but I tell you, that place could have given me a heart attack.  I swear the way that parents just let their kids do whatever they want to makes me so mad.  I literally was "that mom" who yelled at a bunch of kids for being bullies.  They were standing at the end of this GIGANTIC slide blocking the way for kids sliding down.  Poor Marie was at the top just waiting her turn and these kids were literally trying to catch/trip kids as they slid down.

Cue angry bitch mom:

Me: HEY!  Move out of the way, NOW.
Kid: **awkward stare**
Me: OUT OF THE WAY.  You are going to hurt someone!
Kid: **awkwardly moves out of the way and rolls eyes**
Me: **pump fakes kid and gives angry stare**

Marie:  **looks at me, shrugs shoulders and finally comes down slide**
Me: Marie, let's find another slide.  **looks around and realizes that these kids are everywhere** Actually Marie, you want a slushie?? You can drink it in the car!!


So we left.  It's probably the cancer, but I swear I was about to punch some of those kids.  But Marie had  fun, and that's what counts.

When we got home, my intention was to lay down with her until she fell asleep.  I snuggle with her for about 20 minutes, and then we were both out.  3 hours later, Troy was home and it was 6:00.  Uh-oh.

It is so good to have her home.  I feel like life is back to normal.  I'm sleeping in my own bed again, not the cancer room.  That in itself is huge.  I was able to put Marie to bed tonight per our normal routine.  The only downside is that I feel like as soon as things get into a great routine, that's when the chemo will start.

I made my appointments today.  Since over the next few weeks I'll be referring to my docs a lot, I'll tell you who they are.
Dr. M=General Surgeon.
Dr. F=Plastic Surgeon
Dr. H=Oncologist
Dr. C=General Practitioner (Marie's doc, too)
Jill=Breast Navigator (no lie, that is her title)

Tomorrow I see Dr. M as a follow up to the most recent surgery.
I called Dr. H's office today to set up all of the trial stuff.  I have to sign a consent form tomorrow and then do a bunch of tests next week.
I called Dr. C to schedule a mole removal--that's right, mole.  I have one on the top of my head that will not look ok when I'm bald.  Ugh.  (yes, I know that is slightly vain of me, but it's been bothering me for a while.
I see Dr. F next saturday for my first "fill" appointment.

So, I have a busy couple of weeks.  But, Marie is home and that is what matters :)

New Friends

Today was a good day.  I met up with someone today who is going through the same thing I am.  She was diagnosed roughly a month before me, and we seem to be following the same treatment plan at this point.  I really had a good time, and I hope she did too.  It was very nice and refreshing to not only talk to someone who has breast cancer, but to talk to someone who is dealing with it at the exact same time. I know that people mean well when they tell me they know someone who has had it, or that they themselves are a survivor.  It really is comforting to hear that people are still alive and well after dealing with this, but it is different, and refreshing to talk to someone currently dealing with the same emotions that I am at the same time.

We talked about a lot.  One thing that I have been meaning to write about was the "strength" aspect.  Everyone tells me all the time how "strong" I'm being.  I know that one day (and my coffee date mentioned this today as well) I will look back on this and say "wow, maybe I was strong", but right now, I'm in survival mode.  I have no choice but to be strong.  My new friend (I'm avoiding her name because I don't want to violate her privacy or use her story on here--but I'll call her Rachel for now--I'm watching Friends, so it fits) said that if it was one of her family members she doesn't know if she would be so strong.  I completely agree with her, and I hadn't thought of it like that.  If this were Troy, or one of my parents, or God forbid, Marie going through something similar, I don't think I could handle it.  I really think I would be a wreck.  I think that I would absolutely lose it.  So, when you think to yourself that I am being strong, remember how strong Troy and the rest of my family are being.  They are the strong ones, because I don't know that I could have that strength if I was in their position.  I have no choice right now in my own position, but they do.

It was also nice to see that it seems like she is taking this with the same attitude and sense of humor as me.  It was amazing to talk about the dreaded "cancer" with a smile on both of our faces.

Here's a secret, though: I'm scared.  I know I'll get through all of this, and I know it will all be ok, but I am scared.  I am, after all, only human.  I think right now, I'm going through the motions.  Call this doctor, make this appointment, take this test, get lab work done, etc, etc, etc.  Chemo will be the next big step, and I really am scared.  I'm not scared of the side effects, I'm not scared of the sickness part, but I think I'm just scared in general.  Whenever I allow myself to think about it, I think "Oh shit, I have cancer.  That's pretty serious."  That's when the fear hits me.

I think the real reason that I'm scared is because of the lack of control.  I never imagined myself a control freak, but I think I am.  This whole process has been so fast, and so crazy.   The real reason things have been so crazy is because I have no control over anything.  I'm at the mercy of the doctors and their schedules.  I'm at the mercy of the cancer: the type, the stage, the treatments it will need.  The doctors will (and do) tell me that I have choices and that I need to make decisions that will be the best for my family, but I really don't.  I'm not a doctor, they are the experts.  Whatever they tell me to do, I will.

The one thing that I have lost control over is the ability to provide Marie with a sibling.  I can deal with the cancer changing my schedule around, impacting my ability to work, making me sick, causing hair loss.  What I am struggling with is the cancer making it impossible for me to have another baby, or worse: making it dangerous for me to have another baby.  Troy and I have talked about it, and we both decided that me being healthy is the first priority.  Freezing my eggs is not really an option for me right now because I need to start chemo as soon as possible, and the process for that would take too long.  If, after chemotherapy, the docs told me to go ahead and start babymaking, I would.  However, I'm 99% ER/PR +.  This means that the type of cancer that I have grows when those hormones are in the picture.  I find it hard to believe that a doctor is going to be ok with me getting pregnant (since pregnancy raises the appearance of those hormones in the body) with this type of cancer.  Also, because of my ER/PR+ status, I will be taking a drug, tamoxifen, post-chemo for 5 years.  This helps to block the hormone, and it's not ok for pregnancy.

This is a question that I have not brought up to my doctors.  All of them, when this first started, brought up future pregnancy to me.  They all asked if I wanted more kids.  I said yes.  I also acknowledged the fact that it might not be in the cards.  The doctors know that I want another child.  They haven't brought it up since finding the ER/PR+ status.  I already feel like I know the answer.

This is something I will bring up eventually.  Please, if we talk about this, do not pressure me to talk to the doctors about it.  I will when I am ready.  I'm not OK with the answer that I'm expecting, but I can accept it eventually.  I have a beautiful healthy little girl that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, and I know that is more than some people can ask for.  It is just unnerving that I can't be in control of this decision myself.

So, tomorrow, when my daughter comes back from her Disney vacation, I'm going to hug her, take her out to lunch, and enjoy the time with her.  She is going to become more spoiled than she already is (if that is even possible).  I need to be here (and alive) for her, and now I am just going to remind myself that we will never have to worry about being able to provide for her.  

Enough for now, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to my sarcastic cynical self.  Goodnight!

Tough acts to follow

Me and Ken last year at this time--On a boat. 

So, after hearing about all of the people reading this (especially some pretty awesome former students), I've decided to really put some effort into it.  I figure, I have the time, and I'll have enough material to really get me through a lot here, so why not?

Tonight I did some research and started looking up other blogs (mainly about breast cancer).  There's a lot out there.  A LOT.  I was floored at the amount of inspirational women who take this very intimate and personal time in their lives and use it to motivate and inspire others.  I can only hope that maybe one day mine will do that too.  I don't know why, but all of a sudden (like-literally past 24 hours--maybe the new year thing has something to do with it), I feel very different about my diagnosis.  I feel like, maybe, I can do some good.  Maybe, I can make people laugh the way these other women have made me laugh.  Maybe, if someone else that has been diagnosed reads this, they can look at my writing for some form of comfort, if nothing else.  I know I'm not the best at this whole "blog" thing, but I also know that my diagnosis is rare.  I know that not a lot of women my age even think about breast cancer, let alone actually get diagnosed with it.  What I'm hoping, is that by being open and honest (which I always have been), I can reach out to others.

This whole things started as a way to update my family.  Incidentally, that is a phrase that almost every single blog that I looked at tonight(and I looked at a lot) used at some point.  That's how this started.  Less than a month ago, I made the decision to start this blog so that I could explain things once and only once.  I wanted an easy way to keep everyone in the loop.  I got a lot of suggestions.

• "Have a family member update everyone"-I didn't want to do this to any of my close family.  It's hard for them to talk about this--sometimes harder than it is for me.  I didn't need to send everyone to Troy for information, or to my mom, dad, or whoever.  
• "Use a care-page" (or something similar)-I didn't want to do this because I felt like that way I was resigning to the cancer.  I would become "cancer's bitch" (a term used by another blogger).  Those seem like pages for parents to update family on sick kids, or for people who are too close to death.  I wanted somewhere that I could post my true, honest, raw, unrelenting feelings on what was happening to me.  The carepage option just seemed too clinical for my tastes.  

So, I went with a blog.  I chose blogger for convenience.  I already had a google account, so I felt like that would be easy.  

I think I've just realized how truly therapeutic this can be.  It is nice to be able to write down how I really really feel about everything.  I can say things without getting the initial pity look.  I can say things without seeing people react in a way that will make me feel as though I am being inappropriate (which I know that I often am acting inappropriately).  I can say things that I might not otherwise have the guts to say in person.  

Going back to one of my first blogs--the MacBook that I got for a "cancer present" is coming in handy more and more every day.  I use it more than I've ever used a computer in my life.  I really look forward to my night-time blog post.  It's really become fun for me.  

So, on with the blogging.  Today was a great start to the New Year.  First, Troy made breakfast for Mal, Alex, and I.  It was great.  We watched Pitch Perfect (great film), and hung out.  Then, after the girls left, Troy and I napped--it was the last day that Troy would have to nap before going back to work, so we took advantage.   After this, I cleaned up a bit, then some former students came over.  This is the second visit I've had from former students since I've been home.  These visits really have reminded me the great things about being a teacher.  The kids that I've had the pleasure of teaching are turning into such great adults.  I'm so proud of all of them. 

I keep forgetting that today is the first day of 2013, and I really haven't talked about New Year's resolutions too much.  Well, I had the fake post the other night about them, but that doesn't count.  I usually don't make resolutions.  I really only have one for this year though.  

Ready?  

My New Year's Resolution for 2013 is to kick cancer's ass.  I think I've become very comfortable with the fact that I have cancer.  It's getting easier to say.  BUT, cancer better not get too comfortable, because it has already overstayed its welcome.  The lease has expired, and I will be evicting immediately.  

The first step was the surgery, and that is healing nicely.  I actually have become extremely comfortable with my scars and the way I look right now.  It's not only become easier to look in the mirror, but it has become almost invigorating.  I know that may not make sense, but I feel like the scars are already such a huge part of me.  The represent the beginning of a huge part of my life.  The next six months (and really the rest of my life) is going to have an impact on so many people -including me.  This breast surgery, and the visual reminders of the surgery are a symbol of that impact and a symbol of what I have to overcome.  Some of the things I have read have referred to the mastectomy as a sacrifice, and I really don't look at it that way.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my breasts.  I really did.  In terms of looks, my breasts were one of the good parts about me.  But, I'm getting new ones AND I don't really feel like I sacrificed anything.  Any move on my part to attempt to keep them would have been a sacrifice.  That would have been risking sacrificing my life for the sake of a pair of tits (sorry for the vulgar language).  The true sacrifice has been from others.  Time, energy, effort.  My family has made the sacrifice.  I haven't sacrificed anything yet.  

I want to end this VERY lengthy entry with a few things.  1.  Thank you to those of you who are following me on this journey (cliche metaphor--sorry).  It comforts and humbles me to no end to know that you are reading and that I am really that loved.  2. With regards to being open and honest, I want it known that I will try to answer any questions people have.  A lot of friends and family have had questions, and I think some people are nervous to ask, but don't be.  If I don't want to answer, I'll tell you I don't want to answer.  Usually, I'm an open book.  

Happy New Year everyone!  I'm going to make 2013 my bitch.  

2013

January 1, 2013.
I remember when I was a kid and I used to write in my diary.  I would date every entry.  It's funny because with the internet, I don't have to do that.  Weird.  It's been 2013 for almost 3 hours, and even though I was falling asleep since 9:30, I can't sleep now.  Ugh.

This week with Troy has been great, but I miss my kid.  The family comes home wednesday.  I'm looking forward to seeing them.

This was a short post.  I think I'm more tired than I thought.  G'Night.