Counting down

So tomorrow is the last day before my next treatment.  That's how I will probably view things from now on.  I feel so great lately (considering), but I know that the next treatment will knock me on my ass.  At least I'll have my chemo cocktail buddy with me this time.  We can talk each other's ears off.  Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in.  Probably stay in my PJs for the morning.  Marie has been a crank-butt in the mornings (I wonder where she gets it), so I'm going to let her sleep in (hopefully she does) and try to catch up on sleep.  She's had a hard time getting to sleep.  Tonight, I even begged my mom to just put her to bed for me because I didn't want to deal with it.  Thankfully I have a great mom who said yes to that.

Bed time is fine, if I want to go to bed, too.  We've finally gotten to the point where she is ok with sleeping on her own, in her own bed.  So, where is the problem, you ask?  Her room is attached to our room via a jack-and-jill bath.  So, when I put her to bed, I'll come in to my room, and then it starts.

Marie: Mommy?

Me: Yes?

Marie: If I want to call you, you'll be in your room, ok?

Me: Goodnight Marie.

Marie: Mommy?

Me: Yes?

Marie: Tomorrow I want to go bowling with you, ok?

Me: Goodnight.

Marie: Mommy?

Me: .......

Marie: MOMMY???

Me: .......

Marie: frantically runs in my room... Mommy, I was calling you.

Me: Go to bed Marie.

Marie: Ok, but if I have to go potty, I'll call you.

Me:  UGHHHHHHHH.


Now, if I were to even try to go downstairs during this time, she freaks out.  She notices that I don't answer her calls and runs to the top of the stairs crying and we have to start bed time all over again.

Sometimes our conversations go on for 5 minutes and she's asleep, and sometimes it will be an hour after I put her down and she'll hear the dog sigh, and all of a sudden its,

Marie: MOMMY?!

Me: WHAT?!?!?!

Marie: What was that noise?

Me: The dog was breathing.

Marie: Oh.  I heard that noise and it scared me.  I don't want Rusty to breath anymore.

Me:  I'll work on it.


What a fabulous life I lead.  So, with this in mind, she's been getting to "sleep" later and later, even though we've been putting her to bed earlier and earlier.  Funny how that works.  Tomorrow, we're going to get a late start.  I'm at the point where maybe she doesn't need a nap anymore.  Maybe that's it?  I don't know yet.  We'll see.

As a final thought--I saw this e-card yesterday and even though I'm not 30 yet it made me think of me and my girls.  I sent it to them in a text already, but I thought I'd post it here, because I definitely feel this way.

From Debbie Downer to Positive Polly (And back again)

So, lately I've been kind of a downer.  I'm sure my family will be nice and say things like:

"But it's ok, you've been so positive,"

"She's been so upbeat,"

"She's so strong,"


Blah. Blah. Blah.

I know I've been a downer.  For some reason this first round of chemotherapy really hit me like a ton of bricks, but not the way I thought.  I thought that I was going to be a physical wreck.  I thought I was going to be laid out in my bed not able to move, eat, sleep, etc.  Well, I didn't want to do any of those things, but not because I wasn't able...because I didn't want to.  This past weekend, I was just 'blah'.  I didn't have an ounce of motivation to do anything.  My birthday?  Blah.  I wasn't really up for celebrating, so I didn't.

Tuesday, while Marie had preschool, I literally stayed in bed almost ALL day.  I was a mess.  Emotionally.  See, I expected the physical stuff.  The nausea, the headaches, the tiredness...all of those were expected.  But the emotional toll was not.  I should have expected it.  It makes sense.  I think I've been so focused on being "positive" that I didn't really expect to actually have feelings throughout this process, haha.

I talked to Troy about it, and as usual, he made me feel better.  He let me cry, he rubbed my back, and he listened.  I felt better.  Wednesday, I took Marie out to lunch and to the movies.  It was nice to just get out of the house.

I felt better after having the day with her.  I think I've been feeling like a bad mom lately because I haven't exactly had the energy to play with her, it was really nice to get out of the house and focus on just the two of us.  I think she had a good time, haha.  

Then, today, I had my CBCs (Complete Blood Count--I learn new acronyms every day, thank you very much).   According to the nurse, they were "beautiful".  It's something small, but it was good to hear just a bit of positive news during this.   The chemo didn't kick my ass this time around like I thought it would.  Me-1 Chemo-0.  I'm a realist, though, so I'm sure the score will alter a bit as the weeks go on.  It was just good to get a little bit of good news.  

More good news..Disney is booked this summer.  I'm going.  I don't care what the docs say.  Well, I do care, but this time I'm making it happen.  It's happening two weeks after my last treatment, so hopefully on a good day, and hopefully when I'll be feeling well.  I'm making it happen.  Done deal.  

Happy 10,000

So, my blog has reached over 10,000 views.  That's so weird for me.   Even weirder is the fact that I can track where it is being read from.  I started this just as an outlet, and I can see that it may become more.  Kind of cool.

An update?  I don't really have a lot to update.  It's a lot of the same.  I'm still feeling like a time bomb: like I'm about to explode with symptoms and side effects that I didn't even know existed.

Hair update: I got it cut.  I hate this one.  Not sure why.  I think it's because it makes me feel that much less feminine.  I didn't think that part would effect me as much, but it is.  I know that I'm still a woman (hear me roar...), but all of the things that I enjoyed about my gender are being taken from me.

I guess with the hair, I kind of took control.  However, that doesn't change the fact that I hate it.  Hah.

Yesterday a good friend of mine took Marie to play with her son.  It was really nice.  I've been feeling very tired lately and kind of feeling like a bad mom.  I know I'm not, but I feel bad for not playing/interacting with her as much.  Today, she had preschool, so I literally just sat in bed for a large portion of the day.  I finally got dressed and now I'm thinking, why?  Hah.  I have no plans, and I have to desire to leave the house.  This weekend, my cousin is taking her and spending time with her.  I think I'll take Troy on a date...we'll see if I'm up for it.

Not ready for a picture yet, so I'm sorry for those who wanted to see one.

This was short, sporadic, and uneventful.  Hopefully more starts to happen to me, or I'm going to literally plateau at 10,000 views.

Night out

First, I want to say congratulations to Stacey and Jason.  Beautiful wedding.  I was just sad that I couldn't see more of it.  I told myself that if I was feeling up to it, I would go.  I slept a large portion of the day, and thanks to my amazing mom and dad, I was able to go to the wedding.  Troy and I got all dolled up, and headed out to Homer Glen for a great night.  We saw some friends that we hadn't seen in a while, and a good time was had by all.

Still feeling blah.  Started to feel the bone "pain" today.  However, I'm not sure that it is pain as much as it is discomfort.  I'll be walking around and my arm will have a quick jab of a weird feeling and then it will go away.

Today is my birthday.  Don't feel much like celebrating.  Not because I'm depressed or anything, just because I'm worn out.  I think we'll order pizza (If I can eat it) and just sit around and do nothing.  Sounds like fun to me!

Marie was pretty cute this morning.  She's been really needy.  I have found myself getting frustrated with her, which in turn makes me feel bad.  She doesn't really know what's going on, but she has an idea.  Every morning/day/night I hear "Mommy?  Moooommmmmy?" over and over again.  Sometimes it's  for something serious, but mostly it's "I want to go to Disney some time", or "I need to put a sticker on my calendar".  It's cute but when I'm nauseous with a headache, it doens't quite come off that way.

This morning, though, she came in my room and just watched her tv show with me until I was ready to get up.  I feel bad letting her watch so much lately, but it's a nice way that she can be with me while I'm still kind of groggy and getting out of bed.

If any of you know me, you know that I have always had headaches.  For the past few months, however, those have been few and far between.  Now, with all this nausea medicine, they are back with a vengeance.  This is something I'll have to ask Hantel about next week.  Ugh.  Not fun.  I've been going to sleep and waking up with an ice pack on my head for two days.

This was kind of scattered but oh well.  Here's what Marie picked out to wear today.  Crazy silly girl.

Chemo--The real deal

So I had my first treatment cycle.  Day one was January 17th, 2013.  Everything went well.  It is now day three of the cycle and I feel "eh".  Not great, but not as bad as I was expecting.  Slightly nauseous, really tired, and just overall blah.  One thing that has been happening since I got in the car after the treatment was this crazy sneezing.  I've never been a sneezer.  People make fun of me because I try to hold it in.  I'm not sure what that will do with the chemo drugs, so I've decided to let it out.  This means a lot of germ-x and purell, and hand soap.

I'm supposed to journal my side-effects and symptoms, so I'm going to list some here.  This won't happen all the time, but I'm trying to give all of my lovely followers something to go off of.

Here's a picture of my "symptom journal"

Pretty basic.  I had my "fill" yesterday and I got evened out (finally).  My breasts have been lopsided for about a month now.  It feels a bit more normal.  

I will say, I feel like a ticking time bomb.  I'm just waiting for all of these horrible side effects to start.  I'm sure they will at some point.  The sneezing, exhaustion, headache, and nausea aren't exactly a picnic, but for some reason, I feel like I'm walking around with a sign that says "Hey--did you know I had chemotherapy on thursday?  check me out!"  So weird.  

I stopped into my old work, the YMCA, yesterday.  Saw my old boss--shout out to Claudia! She gave me a great care package, and if I'm not soft and comfy after what she gave me, then I never will be.  

Also, the Y gave me an awesome gift.  I'm not sure how working out will be during chemo, but their gift has allowed me to continue to do that without worry (if I'm up to it).  Even if I just stop in and walk on the track/treadmill for 30 minutes while Marie plays in kiddie country, It will be nice.  Troy has said he wants to get back in the swing of things for a while, too.  

I'm stocking up on thank you notes, so don't worry everyone, they will come.  

I love you all--friends, family, supporters, etc.  

Continuing the previous post...

So, On Tuesday, the PEHS Girls Basketball team had a "Pink Out".  Every year, each sports team does some sort of pink game to support breast cancer.  Usually the proceeds go to some breast cancer foundation.  However, this year, they threw the game in my honor.  Because I hadn't started chemo yet, I agreed to go.  It was very moving.  Very overwhelming, and very humbling.

The coach made t-shirts and they had me throw up the "honorary toss up".  It was extremely nice.

 

That was the gear at the game.  So, anyone who works for PEHS, thank you.  It was an incredible night, and I am so glad that I got to share it with you and with my family.  It was a beautiful event, and the girls played incredibly.

Part II:

Chemo-Cycle one.  It went well.  For those of you who are curious, I still feel normal.  Slightly tired, slightly nauseous, but overall good.  

  

Me getting the transfusion.  That IV Cart is my new buddy.  Feel free to nominate names.  

 Above is all the meds and the calendar that I'll be following for a while.  Busy girl.  

Ugh.  But overall, I'm really doing fine.  Like I said, just tired.  I'll do a more detailed post when I'm feeling more up to it.  

I have a lot on my mind.  So much, in fact, that I may need two different posts for this.  First, yesterday I had my wig appointment.  At first, I felt somewhat awkward.  I mean, I still have my hair.  Although it's not for long, I still have it.  This made trying on wigs awkward.  Everyone of them felt fake, it felt like I was being a fraud.  It felt as though I wasn't supposed to be there.  I tried on a few, but I finally settled on one that is similar to the hair cut I have now.  The color is spot on.  It's the only one that didn't really feel like I was wearing a wig.

One thing I noticed, they were trying to give me different wigs that seemed too old for me.  I'm not knocking old age, I'm just not there yet.  Each wig seemed to be made for a 40+ year old woman.  My mom and I joked that it's probably because that's who usually comes in.

After the wig thing, I got blood work done and I went with my mom to Charming Charlie.  There, I got a bunch of wraps and hats.  If I'm going bald, I'm gonna have to rock it, haha.  I'm still trying to figure out where to buy the large square scarves.  I'm going to buy a few online, but I hate not being able to see them before I buy them.

Anyway, here's a few pics to show what kind of head gear I'll be sporting.  Pardon my awkward expressions.

 Here's the current hair pre-hat/wig.  

Here's the wig-cap thing to make me look bald, haha. 

This is a free 'cap' that was donated by these woman who knit for the american cancer society.  

 Hat #1

       

Wrap #1 (had to)

      

Hat #2 with Wrap #1

     

Hat #3

    

Hat #4

Wrap #2 (still not sure how to tie them)

And....

The wig.  I tried it with some of the hats.  It'll take some getting used to.  

That's all for now.