New Year, New Boobs, New Age, New House...

Well, I'm back.  I think it's just because I'm home, and I'm bored, and there's not much else I can do.  I may as well update the masses.

We do have an awful lot going on right now. 2014 is going to be a busy busy year.  

First of all, we went to Disney World….again.  I know, I'm spoiled.  This trip was all about the "selfie".  Marie loved it. 

Then, we had some snow.  And some cold.  It sucked, but we got some days off school, so I guess that's ok.  

Then, I had surgery.  Last Friday, I went in for the final stage in my reconstruction.  I also had my port removed.  So, I got my new boobs, and I have one less foreign object stuck in my body.  That's good. 

And, no.  No pictures of that.  

I turned 30.  Woohoo!

Now-In 24 days (thanks to Marie's countdown) we will all (me, Troy, Marie, Rusty) be living comfortably in our new house.  It's been a long road, but I am sooooo ready.  

So.  That's where we sit.  Things are good.  Life is good.  

Today.

I don't know why, but I've been looking forward to today for a long time.

I think that's the wrong way to say it…but I have had this date in my head for a while now…

11-21-12 was a rough day for me.  The days (literally, just days) leading up to it were pretty rough, too.    Even though I knew what I was going to hear that day, it was still a bit of a shock to hear it confirmed.

11-21-12 was the day I found out for sure that I had cancer.  It was also the day that my delusions about just needing a lumpectomy, or a quick surgery were also crushed.

I'll never forget hearing the words from Dr. M…and then immediately asking him, "So will I still be able to take this trip to Disney?"  Silly, I know.  I think, at that time, I was looking for something a little bit less serious to stress about than cancer.  Missing a trip to Disney seemed to be that thing for me (Mind you, I had no idea that I'd be going twice during the following year).

All through my treatment, and through everything I read about cancer--the blogs, the articles, the books, etc.-- I thought about my "cancerversary."  It's a word I learned after earning my cancer card.  The "ONE year mark".  One year since the diagnosis.  Sadly, this date falls very close to our actual anniversary.

So, for the past month or so, as Troy and I were getting ready to celebrate six WONDERFUL years together…in the back of my head, "November 21" was a date that was ringing louder.  I don't know why.  I don't know what I expected.  Any time that anything came up for this week, I would think, "well, I don't know, that's my cancerversary…."

As the weeks got closer, it was weirder.  Even last week, when I was reading To Kill a Mockingbird out loud to my Freshman English class, I came across the Tom Robinson Trial.  This line came up in the book:

"Mr. Tate said, 'I was fetched by Bob—by Mr. Bob Ewell yonder, one night—''What night, sir?' Mr. Tate said, 'It was the night of November twenty-first. I was just leaving my office togo home when B—Mr. Ewell came in, very excited he was, and said get out to his house quick…'"

Even the darn book I was reading had that date come up.  

When this week actually arrived, I was sure people would say something…"wow it's been a year…"

I didn't want them to, necessarily, but I thought they might.  It didn't occur to me until yesterday that this date doesn't really stand out in anyone else's head.  Just mine.   It's not really a date to be celebrated, so I don't need people to really remember this day.  Even my doctor didn't know--not that he should. 
When we met three weeks ago, and he said he wanted to see me again, I said "Oh, that's one year after my diagnosis."  He looked at me like, "um….ok?"  

Well, now that it's here and gone, I feel some weird sense of relief.  I don't know why, but it feels good to have made it past that mark.  
Now, I'm ready to enjoy the holidays with my family.  Happily, they won't be tainted by the "C" word this year.  I won't have to get drunk at my mother-in-laws in order to forget the fact that I have cancer. (I can get drunk just because I want to, haha).  I won't have to come home on Thanksgiving to see family and friends waiting for me at home awkwardly holding back tears and not knowing what to say. I won't have to walk carefully hug my kid at Christmas because I'm scared of hurting myself, or pulling on the drains post-surgery.  
In fact, less than 24 hours after Christmas, we'll be en route to Disney (yes, again).  This time, I'll be able to enjoy New Years Eve watching a kick ass fireworks show with my family.  I can talk about growing my hair out, instead of chopping it off and shaving it.  
I'm looking forward to the holidays this year more than people know.  I feel like it's finally come full circle, and even though there are a few loose ends to take care of when it comes to cancer (actually, two loose ends to be exact-my left and right boob), I can move on.  I can enjoy this year's holiday season without any sadness or fear or doubt.  

 

What I think about pink...

Well, it's October.  I've known the month was coming for a while now.  All of September...I could feel it lurking around the corner.  I've been wondering how I would feel when it got here.  

I'm honestly not sure how I feel.  

My school's volleyball team is doing a "Pink" out game where they are donating money (in my name) to breast cancer research.  I am really honored to be a part of that, and I am glad that these kids and the people involved can attach a face to the cause that they are supporting.  I like that they are able to do that now.  

However, with all of the other "pink" that I'm seeing everywhere...I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

I haven't posted on here in a while.  Cancer hasn't really been a part of my life for the past few months.  That's a good thing.  I know that it still hides in various nooks and crannies of my life, but overall, I've been focused on other things.  Good things.  

Work.  Family.  Life.  

So, when I turn on Ellen today, and see a giant pink ribbon on her logo...and I go to the grocery store and my favorite products are pink (to support a good cause of course), It just serves as a reminder.  Oh yeah....f you cancer.  

Here's what I think...

1.  There are other types of cancer.  A lot of other types.  Why is there a month JUST for breast cancer.  Why can't we all just say screw cancer all together and beat them all.  I mean, I'm all about the boobies, but come on. 

2.  When you are buying that pink football jersey, or that pink water bottle, or the pink lunch box, or the pink sports bra, or whatever, look at where your money is going.  If you are buying it because it's cute and pink, then buy away.  If you are buying specifically to give your money to the cause, make sure it's actually going to that cause.  

I've had people ask me how I feel about the pink ribbon now that I'm a "survivor".  I've even had people tell me "You'll have a new appreciation for it down the road".  Lately, the pink ribbon is just too much for me right now because everything is still so raw.  I mean, I still have the tan from radiation.  BUT--I don't think that my feelings about it will change.  I don't think that I'm suddenly going to look at a pink ribbon and swell up with gratitude for life, or appreciation for the cause.  I don't think that seeing a pink ribbon is going to make me want to walk for 3 days (although I do appreciate all the people who do that kind of thing-it is something that I feel I may have done at some point if I wasn't diagnosed).  I don't think that the pink ribbon will ever be more to me than just a reminder that I had cancer.  I've donated enough of my time and energy to cancer for quite a while, and i don't feel that I need to give back to the cause just yet.  I know that this may come off as rude and bitchy, but hey...if I'm offending you, read something else.  I want my life to get back to normal, and unfortunately just as it has started to, I get reminded why I'm avoiding the color pink.  I mean, I was never a HUGE pink fan, but I do have pink clothing.  I have actually had people ask me if I'm wearing pink for a new reason lately.  No.  I'm wearing pink because it was a clean shirt in my drawer and I thought it looked cute with these jeans today.  That's it.  

Again, it's for a good cause, and this is just me venting because I think my house has enough pink ribbons to supply an entire colony, but I think we should be aware of all cancers all the time.  My feelings towards the pink ribbon haven't changed, but my feelings towards life have, and I don't need the ribbon to remind me of that.  I feel that we should be aware that everyone could have something very difficult going on for them in their life.  Something like cancer, or something different that is affecting their family just as much. 

End of an era..

I seriously feel like that's what this is.  

I mean, it's been a LIFETIME since I said goodbye to my classroom and the amazing people I work with.  I've been off work for a total of 8 months.  That's like, an entire school year. 

 

I feel very conflicted about going back.  I mean, I'm ready.  Really ready.  I need the routine.  I need the adult contact.  I need the distraction from the every day monotony that has become my life.  I'll miss my flexibility though. I'll miss the every day interaction with Marie...watching her learn/grow/play/laugh/live.  I know I'll still be able to do that, but watching her at home all this time has been great.  

It's kind of funny...I see people posting about how summer was so short, or how they aren't ready to go back to school, or how each year the school year comes faster and faster, blah blah blah.  Me?  I'm like "yay! school!" I know that I'll regret saying that, but I really am ready for the year to start.  The start of this year is so much more to me than it used to be.  This year, it really means that I can move on with my life without cancer.  Sure, there will be a lot of appointments, and followups left, but overall, I'll hopefully be going back to just being "Mrs. Marcum."  That's what I'm ready for.  

The first few weeks will be interesting.  It's already started (and it's ok).  People I haven't seen in a while, who may not read this, are wondering how I'm doing, what's left of my treatment, if I'm still feeling side effects, etc.  Some people were even under the impression that I wasn't coming back.  Ouch.  

It's almost like I'm going through the diagnosis part all over again.  What I mean, is that I'm telling the same "story" over and over again because I'm getting the same questions...which is kind of what happened at the beginning.  

Also, all over again, I'm realizing more and more what I won't say to someone in my situation.  I know that everyone means well, but comments like "I'm jealous", or "Wow, it's seems like this time has just flown by" are things that I don't really want to hear.  Don't be jealous of me.  Seriously.  I know you mean well, but whether you are jealous of my time off (for TREATMENT and SURGERY), my hair, or my future boobs, it's just not worth it.  Don't. be. jealous.  I would trade anything to get my old life back.  To be me, without the flashing "I have/had cancer" sign.   And about time just "flying by"...Again...I know you mean well, but maybe it has flown by for you, but for me, it seems like an eternity.  And it's still going.  I still have herceptin every 3 weeks, I still take pills every day that are supposed to save my life, I still have to have another surgery, and I'll be following up with doctors and nurses probably for the rest of my life.  So no, it hasn't flown by for me.  I'm still waiting for it all to be over.  

So, to review...school will be a welcome distraction for me, and it will allow me to get started on moving on with my life.  Deep down, I'm really happy about the school year starting...but, to help out my fellow teachers, I'll pretend to be miserable with you as we get back into the swing of things.  :)

I'll have to check my planner...

It's been a while.
Yet again.

And, yet again, my father is the one bugging me to post.

A good friend told me that it's a good thing that I'm not posting as much because it means that the cancer (the reason for this blog) isn't taking over my life anymore.

I thought about that for a second, and I really do wish that were true.
True, I really do feel like the hardest part is over.  However, now I feel like every time I go to make plans for the future, I'm somehow factoring cancer in.

Let me explain.

Going back to school in the fall.  I have to plan all of my appointments (follow-ups, pre-surgery, herceptin infusions, occupational therapy, etc) so that they work within my school schedule.  Add to that the dentist visits (for me AND Marie), my yearly female doc visit (I'm soooo looking forward to that one), and the fact that I should probably see my endocrinologist at some point and you have a very busy schedule.

Since June 17th, I have had an appointment every day for radiation.  At first, it wasn't that bad.  It was just a quick in and out appointment.  The length of these appointments hasn't changed, but the tediousness and the repetition is starting to get to me.  It's really annoying.  I tried to schedule it for as early as possible, but it still seems like it is smack in the middle of my day, plus it makes me soooo tired.  Like unbearably tired. Like I feel like I never want to crawl out of bed tired.  Then, my OT wants to see me twice a week now...annoying, but probably necessary.  Then, every three weeks, I have my herceptin infusion which is only supposed to be a half-hour, yet somehow winds up taking at least an hour of my day.

I hate the fact that I'm looking forward to going back to work, but I am.  Obviously, I am looking forward to seeing friends every day that I haven't seen in a while--I do miss my co-workers.  I am looking forward to having a great group of students this year (I'm being optimistic).  But mostly, I'm looking forward to having something else to focus on other than my cancer (even if it is grading, meetings, parent conferences, and all the other fun things that go along with teaching).

I also would like to get back to where I was in terms of my weight... I know, I know...."you shouldn't be worrying about that now" is what soooo many people say.  Or "You have an excuse, look at what you've been through/you're going through."  That doesn't matter to me, that still doesn't change the fact that I have put on more weight that I ever have (besides pregnancy).  I joined a 6-week challenge...the first two days, I have really sucked.  I'm just so tired.  I'm eating better.  I'm still doing weight watchers, but I just can't seem to get motivated to get active.  Hopefully that will change soon.

The doctor did raise my thyroid medication.  My TSH (whatever hormone the thyroid produces) levels are really low...and they've been getting lower and lower each week. This could be the culprit for the weight gain AND the lethargy (Although the radiation is definitely a factor in the fatigue).
****

On a positive note, I have much more hair lately.  Today, I even went without a hat all day.  It was interesting.  People still stare, but I'm used to that.  I'm hoping that by going hatless most of the time I will increase the chance that by the time I go back to work I will have a hairstyle that looks (at least at first glance) as though I chose it on purpose.

I also found out yesterday that my surgery date for my implants will be January 17th (tentatively).  Happy 30th Birthday to me! It's much later than I hoped, but I guess my surgeon having a full schedule is a good thing, right?  That means a lot of people want whatever it is that he's got (that was not meant as dirty as it came across).

I have been enjoying my time home with Marie.  She's pretty funny, actually.  And I don't just mean like, "oh she's a child, she's funny."  I mean, she has an actual sense of humor now.  She makes jokes, and I laugh.

I know it has been a while (yet again) since my last post.  Things have been pretty mundane for the most part.

Every day I go in, lift my arm above my head, turn to the left and wait for the beams to slowly burn my skin.  I am now 16 treatments into my 28 treatments, and I am now starting to feel the side effects.  My skin is a bit irritated, pink, and itchy.  My underarm is burnt and irritated and it hurts slightly when I rub against it.  Also, I'm tired.  Like, really tired.  I wake up in the morning and can barely get out of bed.  Usually by the time I get going, I feel alright, but I still feel as though a nap would be awesome.

Overall, I can't complain.  I have 12 more left, and I'm sure it will get worse, but either way, it is one step closer to being DONE with cancer.  I'm ready for the next phase of my life to start.

Life Lessons

Cancer has taken a lot away from me.  A lot.  Slowly but surely, I am getting it all back.

I'm finally feeling like myself again.  I feel like the chemo has finally exited my body.  I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I could slowly sense that it was leaving.  It was an odd feeling.

Now, if only my damn hair would grow faster.  Any suggestions?

With as much as cancer has taken from me, you'd think I'd resent it.  You think I'd be bitter all the time (I am bitter some of the time, and jealous--but that's another post).  However, I'm not.  Despite the thefts, cancer has also taught me a great deal.  Some of these things include (but are not limited to)

How to apply make up better
Before cancer, I rarely put on more than concealer and mascara.  Now, to preserve the femininity that I have left, I put on a great deal more than I used to.  Sometimes, I'm actually pretty good at it.  
How to draw eyebrows on my face (this is very different from makeup)
I never thought I'd have to do this, but I have become rather skilled in the arena. 
How to tie scarves
I hope that I may finally be done with this. 
Medical lingo
herceptin, heparin, tamoxifen, CT scan, echo, lymph system, lymph nodes, lymphatic massage...etc
An EXTREME appreciation of nurses and medical staff
Seriously, I cannot stress this enough (I've said it before, I know, but it's just THAT true)--to all my nursing friends, I love you!  
How to check my modesty at the door
I've always said that after you give birth, modesty kind of goes out the window.  Doctors see much more of you than you'd like and you learn to be ok with it.  However, with breast cancer, it's much worse.  It's gotten to the point that when I walk into any medical office, I get the urge to start taking off my shirt.  I'm afraid that one day, I'll walk into the dentist and start stripping.  
How to accept help, charity, money, friendship, etc. 
I think it's our natural instinct to want to provide for our own and for ourselves.  When people offer to help, we initially want to say "No, I've got this".  For the most part, I did have this.  However, sometimes I needed to accept the help.  While I'm on the topic, thank you to all of you who were specific about how you wanted to help.  It was very hard to respond when people would ask "let me know what I can do."  At times, I barely know what I need, let alone enough to tell someone else.  
Which brings me to the next point...
How to GIVE help:
Now I know if I have a friend or family member go through something like this how to provide.  I know not to ask what to do, but instead to just DO.  "Hey, I'll watch your kid for a few hours so you can sleep", "Hey, Here's dinner, cook it tonight, or tomorrow, this way you won't have to".  Etc.  
Priorities
I used to stress over a lot (and I still sorta do), but now I know what is important.  Spending time with my family, making sure I am healthy.  That's what is important, and even as life goes back to normal, I will maintain that mentality.  

I've learned a lot from cancer. It's really sad that it takes something like this to make you not only realize what is most important, but to LIVE like you realize it.

Recently, I've also learned (not due to cancer), that no matter how well you live your life, or how much you do for others, people will still be there to shit on you (metaphorically).  I feel like life throws these little tests at us for a reason.  BUT, I do know one thing.  In the end, the important people, the ones who really care, your real family (even if it may not be by blood) will be there for you.  The ones that matter most will support you.