From Debbie Downer to Positive Polly (And back again)

So, lately I've been kind of a downer.  I'm sure my family will be nice and say things like:

"But it's ok, you've been so positive,"

"She's been so upbeat,"

"She's so strong,"


Blah. Blah. Blah.

I know I've been a downer.  For some reason this first round of chemotherapy really hit me like a ton of bricks, but not the way I thought.  I thought that I was going to be a physical wreck.  I thought I was going to be laid out in my bed not able to move, eat, sleep, etc.  Well, I didn't want to do any of those things, but not because I wasn't able...because I didn't want to.  This past weekend, I was just 'blah'.  I didn't have an ounce of motivation to do anything.  My birthday?  Blah.  I wasn't really up for celebrating, so I didn't.

Tuesday, while Marie had preschool, I literally stayed in bed almost ALL day.  I was a mess.  Emotionally.  See, I expected the physical stuff.  The nausea, the headaches, the tiredness...all of those were expected.  But the emotional toll was not.  I should have expected it.  It makes sense.  I think I've been so focused on being "positive" that I didn't really expect to actually have feelings throughout this process, haha.

I talked to Troy about it, and as usual, he made me feel better.  He let me cry, he rubbed my back, and he listened.  I felt better.  Wednesday, I took Marie out to lunch and to the movies.  It was nice to just get out of the house.

I felt better after having the day with her.  I think I've been feeling like a bad mom lately because I haven't exactly had the energy to play with her, it was really nice to get out of the house and focus on just the two of us.  I think she had a good time, haha.  

Then, today, I had my CBCs (Complete Blood Count--I learn new acronyms every day, thank you very much).   According to the nurse, they were "beautiful".  It's something small, but it was good to hear just a bit of positive news during this.   The chemo didn't kick my ass this time around like I thought it would.  Me-1 Chemo-0.  I'm a realist, though, so I'm sure the score will alter a bit as the weeks go on.  It was just good to get a little bit of good news.  

More good news..Disney is booked this summer.  I'm going.  I don't care what the docs say.  Well, I do care, but this time I'm making it happen.  It's happening two weeks after my last treatment, so hopefully on a good day, and hopefully when I'll be feeling well.  I'm making it happen.  Done deal.