Rumblings

So, I know I've posted about the food thing before...but it really bothers me.

You all know that I used to LOVE food.  Well, I still do, but now it's like food doesn't love me.  I'll be STARVING, so I'll eat.  Normal reaction.  Then, the food fights back.  It's not so much nausea, but it's more like the food is sitting there in my stomach saying,

"Hi.  I'm still here.  You didn't think you could get away that easily, did you?"

I'm still learning what I can and can't eat.  What tastes good, and what doesn't.  What will sit well, and what....won't sit well.  It sucks.

This has caused a major problem for me and our local grocery store, which happens to be right around the corner.  What happens, is I will get a craving.  (I think in a previous post, I related some of the chemo symptoms to pregnancy symptoms, but I can't find it...so you'll just have to trust me)
That craving will sit with me.  Let's take, for example, apples.  Yes, I have craved apples.  So I want apples.  We don't have an apples.  I go to the store.  I buy two apples.

By the time I get home, craving is gone.

I learn my lesson.  Next time, I wait until I am craving a few different things.  AND, I do what you are never supposed to do.  I shop hungry.  On purpose.  The true cardinal sin.  Yesterday happened to be junk food.  Ice cream sandwiches, donuts, munchies (cheddar cheese), and I bought a SoBe.  If you see my Facebook  you can read my post about that one.

Well, then I eat whatever I've been craving, but usually it winds up only being a bite or so, then all of this stuff sits in my cabinet or fridge and I don't want it anymore.  My family doesn't want to eat it (because they are all apparently trying to be healthy), so it sits there.

Now, I know that I should be eating healthy, and I am at times (remember the apples!).  But this love of food combined with my inconsistent appetite has made me realize something.  I think subconsciously I feel that I have to shop and buy food immediately when I feel hungry.  I do this because I never know when I'll be hungry or want to eat again.

Yes, I realize how extreme that sounds.

Yes, I realize this is probably why I'm gaining weight during chemo.

Yes, I realize that it is completely irrational.

But.  I love food.  So when I want food, I eat it.

Back to this problem...So, all of these frequent trips to the grocery store add up.  It got me thinking about all of the money I've spent on stupid cancer.  (Yes, I equate my irrational food spending to spending money on cancer)

Seriously.  Cancer is expensive.  In October, I'm sure someone somewhere will ask me to donate $1 or so to breast cancer research for pink ribbon month.  It's going to take a lot for me not to laugh in their face.

Cashier: Would you like to donate $1 to support breast cancer research?
Me: HAH!
Cashier: .....
Me:  I mean, no.  Thanks.
Cashier: Cold hearted bitch...
Me: If she only knew...

I'm sure one day I'll walk, I'll fund raise, I'll donate, etc.  But right now, too soon.  Especially because my bank statements are still showing the results of my own cancer.

Yes..You have to pay for medical bills.  I'll do another post on that later...but the other expenses are crazy.  And you don't think about them ahead of time.

• Food--in general.  Taste buds change and I have very specific needs/wants when it comes to food.  Expensive at times. 
• Clothing.  After the mastectomy, nothing fit right, and I had to get a lot of zip-up/button up stuff because regular shirts were hard for me to wear.  $10-$20 a shirt
• Bras: I feel that they deserve their own category.  It is STILL hard to find a bra in my drawer that fits right.  Usually I am wearing them just for formality, but sometimes I still have to wear them, and because my gals are a bit different these days, I had to buy some new ones.  at $15-$20 a bra, those add up.  
• Head wear.  I knew this would be an issue, but I didn't realize how pricey.  I'm not very vain, but I do like to match and to look like I'm suitable to go out of doors at times.  I can't even tell you how much I've spent on hats and scarves.  If I had to guess...I would go with about $400.  That sounds steep, but I think I'm low-balling it.  Think about it.  I probably have at least 10 hats.  I have at least 20 scarves.  They have been anywhere from $10-$20 each.  Even the ones from the TLC site are about $11-$12.  Either way, I spend a lot on head coverings.  At home?  I'm bald, but it's been too cold for me to leave the house this way, so I wear scarves and hats.  Although, I do feel that if it were warmer, I'd feel ok going bald in public now.  
• Wig.  I haven't gotten the bill for the wig yet, but I know it's coming.  Insurance is supposed to cover 90%, so that played a large role in why I purchased the one I did.  The wig was $490.  It may be inappropriate for me to write that here, but the purpose is for people to see the cost of things.  I mean, I could have picked the cheaper one.  I almost did.  But the one I picked looked very natural on me, and I was thinking about going back to work in August.  I don't want my hair to be an issue for anyone at work.  I want to go back to work and have people look at me like a normal teacher, not someone who just had cancer.  I felt that the wig would do that for me.  Hopefully I won't have to pay much for the wig, but it is still a cost that I didn't consider.  
• Pillows.  I have bought probably 3 different pillows since the surgery.  I can't seem to sleep right on any of them.  I can't sleep on my right side anymore, and I can't sleep on my stomach.  So, I tried pillows.  So far, nothing really works right (except the ativan-haha)  
• Medicine.  Prescriptions.  'nuff said. 

I'm sure there is more...but these are just some of the things I've been thinking about.  

I have an amazing support system, and I'm lucky enough to have a job during this.  I am on leave, yes, but the steady paycheck helps.  In no way was this post meant to evoke money woes, because we are doing absolutely fine.  We aren't breaking the bank, but it makes me think about people who aren't in my position.  If I didn't have an income, or didn't have my parents, or didn't have my husband, or friends, or family, etc. I don't know where I'd be.  I'm not just talking about the financial support, either...I'm talking about all of it.  These little costs that add up, they are manageable, but if I had to deal with all of those PLUS everything else (coping emotionally, taking care of Marie, appointments, surgeries, etc) on my own.... Well.  It would suck.  

So thanks everyone for helping with this experience and making it not suck too bad.  

Fever Strikes...

For some reason, I've been freaking out about fevers since the first round of chemo.  I think that reason is because all of the nurses AND the doctor made it very clear that as soon as I get a fever, I must call.

I've been pretty lucky.  Well, last week, I started to get a cough.  (I had someone to blame for this cough, but I've blamed him enough, so I guess I'll give him a break via cyberspace).  The cough got progressively worse and by today, I was miserable.  Of course, I was home with Marie, and she was a doll.  I took NyQuil last night (which I usually hate, but I needed something), so I was kind of out of it this morning.

When I woke up, Marie was in my bed, watching spongebob (yes, hate the show, but she turns it on when she comes in and I just let it happen...especially when I feel like I've been run over by a truck), eating her easter candy out of the basket.  Yes, my child woke up, went downstairs and got her basket, and brought it into MY bed to eat...first thing in the morning.  Oh well.

She was good and let me sleep, I guess.

Anyway, fever strikes.  I woke up with about 100.4.  The nurses said call over 100.5, but the doc said over 100, so of course, I call.  That was around 10.  They called back at 1 to say "Maybe we'll give you an antibiotic, we don't know".  So I lounged all day, Marie watched movies all day, and I basically tried to keep her as active as possible while keeping myself as rested as possible.  I don't know if it was being sick, or the side effects from the taxol, but my muscles and joints= OUCH.

Finally, by 5:00, the nurse called and said they called in an antibiotic.  I was glad.  I mean, this way, hopefully whatever is in my body can leave.  I have enough crap in here to have to deal with an infection as well.

So all day, I've been moving around like a sloth (I've never seen one move, but I'm pretty sure they look like I did today).  My awesome kid just rolled with it.  She had fun, and she made sure to let me sleep or rest if I needed to.  Yes.  I slept with my almost-four year old awake in the house.  It was hard for me to do (not really, I was exhausted), but I was at a turning point.  Do I attempt to stay awake (which was almost physically impossible this morning), or do I trust my parenting skills up until this point and hope that she doesn't burn the place down.

Well, the house is still standing.  (Sorry for the fire reference, dad)

Marie chilin with me in bed

I even managed to get her back in bed at a reasonable hour tonight WITH a bath.  She was pretty proud, too.  

On top of everything, my mom is still at Edwards.  My family needs to get healthy.  I mean seriously.  What more can we handle?  I know we are pretty damn strong....we are, don't worry, but this is too much.  So, docs, let my mom come home, cure my cancer, and make sure that no one else in my family gets sick.  K?

****

On a side note, I get to see my best friends this weekend.  Now, I have seen them all sporadically since d-day, but one of them made a note that we hadn't all seen each other TOGETHER since Halloween.  That was pre-diagnoses.  Pre-Cancer.  I know it's weird that I think like that, but this has consumed so much of my life since November 21, 2012, that I don't really remember sometimes that there was a "pre-cancer" day.

Either way, I can't wait to see these girls.  Even if I'm feeling like absolute shit, they will make me feel better.

Roid Rage...

So.  Roid rage is a real problem.  Like, a real problem.  I get ragey.  Most of my friends know that I can already get ragey, but I recently made the connection that my ragey-ness as of late is due to the roids.  Obviously I'm talking about steroids, but I like saying roids.  I feel like it gives me street cred.

For the taxol, I'm supposed to take my roods for 6 doses.  They start the night before I have chemo.  So, right now, I'm on my 3 day of roids.

I swear...I'll be feeling like this:

Happy, sweet, people want to be around me....and, then, all of a sudden its like, BAM.  I go crazy.  

Not really crazy, but I do get really irritable, with like really small issues.  

Marie: I don't want to wear my socks in bed. 

Me: OK! I don't care what you wear to bed.  

Troy: Hey, can you turn of the light before coming to bed.

Me: FINE!!! I'll just do EVERYTHING around here.  

Dad: I'm at the restaurant waiting for you. 

Me: YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T COMING SO WE DECIDED TO GO LATER, HOW DARE YOU COME TO DINNER WITH US.  

I may be slightly exaggerating some of these exchanges, but you get the point.  I hate it.  The roids make me crazy.  I feel like I'm going to wake up one morning in the middle of a crime scene and I'm not going to remember it....

Ok, so that is DEFINITELY an exaggeration, but still.

I even asked about it at my chemo appointment the other day.  I said, "what exactly to these steroids do for me?  I mean, really, what do they do?"

Nice, sweet Jennie says to me, "They pretty much combat all of the bad symptoms that taxol will give you.  They prevent swelling, nausea, infection, etc., etc....."

After that, I figured I couldn't ask to not take them anymore.

They make me sweat, they make my face bright red, they make me puff up (literally, and figuratively), and they make me ragey.  You wouldn't like me when I'm ragey.  I'm no fun when I'm ragey.  I don't like being ragey.  Now, I have to be ragey 3/7 days per week.  Ugh.

I would keep writing, but I think I feel another rage coming on....


More tomorrow, I guess.

 

Thanks

For those of you who know me, you know that I have no etiquette.  Like, none.  For those of you who are friends with me, you are ok with that.  Or, at least, you pretend to be.

For those of you who don't know me, let me explain two main etiquette issues that I have...

1. I don't RSVP on time (if at all)

I'm seriously that person on most lists that will get that call...you know the one... "Hey, Lisa?  I was just calling to see if you were going to make it to the party/shower/reception/etc.  Hope to see you there!"  Really, they don't hope to see me there, they just want to check me off the list of coming/not coming.  I know it's bad, but I've been this way for a long time. 

2. Thank you notes are often late (if they ever arrive)

My wedding shower was the first time that I really had to write thank you notes.  Well, at least since I was a kid.  I wrote them all, and I was pretty proud of them.  Then, came the wedding itself.  I wrote those, too, and I was really proud of them.  Then came the baby shower...same story.  The ending to all of these stories?  Somehow about 1/2 the thank-you notes made it out the door.  Whether it was because I didn't have the address at the time, or I ran out of stamps, or I just was too plain lazy to walk to the mailbox, it just didn't happen.  Only half made it.  When Troy and I moved back in with my parents, I literally found a grocery bag with WRITTEN thank you notes from all three of these events in the cabinet above my fridge.  They just never got mailed out.    

When all of this started, I thought to myself about the thank-you note fiasco.  I mean, since diagnosis (D-Day), people have done so many generous and kind things for me.  Thank you notes will never be enough, but I do know that it's a start.  I just find it ironic that I am yet again faced with this issue.  I really did think that it would be all over after the baby shower.  I know that there are so many people who have yet to be thanked for their help or support, but I want you to know (if you are reading this) that you are thanked.  I promise.  You may not get a thank you card in the mail within the time that etiquette allows, but my family and I DO truly thank you.

All of this got me thinking about Karma....It's not really a good thing to think about when you have cancer.  Then, you start thinking the "why me" speech.  Do I have cancer because I forgot to send that thank you note in 2007? or 2008?  or 2009?  I kid, I kid.  I mean, yeah, I have cancer, but I don't think that anything I've done put me here.  I don't think that there is some cosmic force that said that I messed up somewhere along the line and that is why I am where I am today.  There are plenty of people who are way better than me and they are in a worse position, and vice versa.

Anyway, just in case the thank you notes are what put me here...here's to EVERYONE I have ever failed to thank..... (and I know it's not enough).

Survivor???

Now that my uterus is done plotting against me (at least for this month), I had some things I wanted to accomplish today.  My amazing friend, Michelle, is taking Marie out for a day of fun while I get to some things around the house, visit my mom (more on that in a bit), and just to give me a break.  She's awesome.  I am so grateful for the amazing support that people have shown me and the family over the past few months.  It is awesome.

Anyway, one of the things that I wanted to do was to submit a "wish" to this website that I heard about from a friend.  Angie did it, so I figured I would, too.  It was actually kind of funny...I sent her the link for the site to see if she was interested while we were around the corner from each other at chemo...she was about to do the same thing to me.  Too funny.

The organization is Bright Pink.  They are doing a promotion called "Fab-u-wish".  Giuliana Rancic is helping out with it.  It was nice to hear her admit on the site that one of the things that made it easier for her was getting dolled up and being pampered.  She admits that the celebrity life style helped with her femininity and helped her to feel pretty.  So, she started this contest.  It's kind of like make a wish, but for adult women.  So, I submitted my wish.  I'm not sure I'll win.  It's kind of a lame wish, but I really don't have anything that I want.  I mean, obviously, I don't want cancer anymore, but that is up to the doctors, not Ms. Rancic.  Plus, these wishes are focused on extravagant celebrity stuff like makeovers, red carpet stuff, etc.  Well, I went with a night or weekend out with Troy.  I wanted to have an extravagant date.  I'm hoping that my wish is humble enough and inexpensive enough to win.  Because well, that would be cool.

Anyway, I was filling out the form to join the site and it has a pull down menu: 

Well, the only one that was close (besides "other", and I HATE "other") was "A breast cancer or ovarian survivor".  That was a hard thing for me to press.  I mean, am I a survivor?  I've heard/used the terms patient, warrior, fighter, etc...but survivor?  Survivor, to me, means that I've already fought and won.  Well, right now, I'm still fighting.  I mean, yeah, I'm surviving, but I haven't reached the end so I haven't survived anything, yet.  I have full confidence that I WILL survive, but right now, to select an option that says SURVIVOR loud and proud?  It felt rather unsettling.  That may not make sense, but it was truly a weird experience.  

Here's to "surviving".

Soft Pretzels.

11 More...
When I went in to the Cancer Center last thursday, I was actually upbeat.  I was excited that I was starting the "last leg" of chemo.  I knew that I had 12 treatments to go, but knowing that after those 12 were over, I'd be done?  That was awesome.

It was a long day.  I had a lot of meds coursing through my veins.  But that was ok, because these meds were supposed to be easier.  These meds were supposed to not have as many side effects.

All things considered, I left the cancer center feeling better than I usually do when I leave.  I didn't feel as tired (well, I was a little bit tired due to the benedryl), I didn't have the chemical smell in my nose--that was a fun side effect.  Overall, I felt ok.  This was going to be an easy three months.

Fast forward to the weekend.  Exhaustion hit.  Absolute exhaustion.  I was just tired, all the time.  Ok, I didn't expect that.  Especially because good ole' doc said "You shouldn't feel as much fatigue".  Liar.

Then, Monday hit.  Yesterday was probably one of the worst days so far.  I was definitely not expecting that.  This was supposed to be easier.

Granted, I got my period yesterday.  If you don't like talk about periods or lady parts, click away, now.  When I was on the pill, I had no cramps, no issues.  My period was short and sweet.  No issues.  Repeat, no issues.  NOW?  It's like my body is revolting against me.  Oh, you have cancer?  Well let me take that really easy time of month for you and make it awful.  Let me make you go crazy with cramps and pms and all things menstrual, because THAT is what you need right now.

Literally I was in bed yesterday with a heating pad on my uterus for the majority of the day.  My poor daughter had no idea what was going on.  Today is not turning out to be much better, but at least she's at school so she doesn't have to witness my crazy.

This is how I feel right now:

She is very descriptive.  But it works.

Combine those period pains with the fact that my muscles all feel like they have been used to the fullest extent possible, and the fact that my fingers and toes are numb and tingling, and you have me.  Today.  Ugh.

Pants on fire

So, recently, I've realized exactly how much I lie to my daughter on a daily basis.  Like literally, daily.  She's at an age where she asks "why", or "how", or "when" ALL THE TIME.  Some times I don't have an answer.  I'll try to say "I don't know," but usually that pisses her off.  A lot.

Here's a typical conversation:

(7:00 at night)
Marie: Mommy?
Me: Yes, Marie?
Marie: Can we go bowling?
Me: Yes, one day we will go bowling?
Marie: No, I saaaaiiiiiiid can we go bowling right NOW?
Me: No, we cannot go bowling right now.
Marie: Why?
Me: It's too late and we have to go home.
Marie: But I want to go bowling right now with the fun shoes and the pink ball.
Me: Marie, I said no.
Marie: (Starting to get upset) But I want to go bowling.

Me: (thinking to myself) I can either A: keep this going and regret making her really mad and getting bedtime off to a really rough start, or I can B: tell her something that will both get the point across that we are not going bowling AND make it so that she is not upset.  I'll go with choice B.  I have cancer, I'm tired, and I'm not doing this all night. 

Me: Marie, the bowling alley is closed.
Marie: Why?
Me: Because all of the bowling people and the bowling balls have to sleep, too.
Marie: Did the close because its their nap time too???
Me: yes, yes they did.
Marie: Are they closed forever?
Me: No, just so that they can sleep.
Marie: So can we go tomorrow.
Me. Ughhhhh.


I seriously tell her things are closed all the time.  I tell her that their are little fairies that come down and put all of her toys to sleep and that is why we don't play with toys before bed.  Sometimes I tell her that her TV is broken so that I don't have to fight with her over why we can't watch a movie.  There are more lies, but I feel like a bad enough mother, and I haven't even gotten to Santa or the Easter Bunny yet.   I think I'm going start a book called Lies Your Mother Told You and give it to her when she's 18, because at that point hopefully I'll be done lying to her.

It actually got so bad when I had all of my doctors' visits, I would tell her that I was going to work.  I would tell her that I was going to the doctor and she would look at me like she would never see me again if I left.  She would get extremely worked up and say things like "I don't want you to be sick anymore," or "I don't want you to go to the doctor, he will hurt you and give you a shot," even though she usually isn't afraid of doctors. I think she saw what things were like after the mastectomy and now just associates that with doctors.  Or maybe it was the first round of chemo, who knows.

Either way, lots of lies....lots of lies.  Sometimes she catches me.  I'll tell her McDonald's is closed and that is why we can't go there for dinner, but we'll drive past one and she'll shout from the back seat "SEE MOMMY! PEOPLE ARE IN THERE EATING FOOD.  THEY ARE NOT CLOSED, I TOLD YOU!!"

I'm going to have so much explaining to do when she gets older.  Ugh.

So innocent. She has no idea about all of the lies she is told....

Note: I am well aware that she looks ANYTHING but innocent in this picture.  In fact, I think she looks as though she is plotting some horrible horrible event.