Continuing the previous post...

So, On Tuesday, the PEHS Girls Basketball team had a "Pink Out".  Every year, each sports team does some sort of pink game to support breast cancer.  Usually the proceeds go to some breast cancer foundation.  However, this year, they threw the game in my honor.  Because I hadn't started chemo yet, I agreed to go.  It was very moving.  Very overwhelming, and very humbling.

The coach made t-shirts and they had me throw up the "honorary toss up".  It was extremely nice.

 

That was the gear at the game.  So, anyone who works for PEHS, thank you.  It was an incredible night, and I am so glad that I got to share it with you and with my family.  It was a beautiful event, and the girls played incredibly.

Part II:

Chemo-Cycle one.  It went well.  For those of you who are curious, I still feel normal.  Slightly tired, slightly nauseous, but overall good.  

  

Me getting the transfusion.  That IV Cart is my new buddy.  Feel free to nominate names.  

 Above is all the meds and the calendar that I'll be following for a while.  Busy girl.  

Ugh.  But overall, I'm really doing fine.  Like I said, just tired.  I'll do a more detailed post when I'm feeling more up to it.  

I have a lot on my mind.  So much, in fact, that I may need two different posts for this.  First, yesterday I had my wig appointment.  At first, I felt somewhat awkward.  I mean, I still have my hair.  Although it's not for long, I still have it.  This made trying on wigs awkward.  Everyone of them felt fake, it felt like I was being a fraud.  It felt as though I wasn't supposed to be there.  I tried on a few, but I finally settled on one that is similar to the hair cut I have now.  The color is spot on.  It's the only one that didn't really feel like I was wearing a wig.

One thing I noticed, they were trying to give me different wigs that seemed too old for me.  I'm not knocking old age, I'm just not there yet.  Each wig seemed to be made for a 40+ year old woman.  My mom and I joked that it's probably because that's who usually comes in.

After the wig thing, I got blood work done and I went with my mom to Charming Charlie.  There, I got a bunch of wraps and hats.  If I'm going bald, I'm gonna have to rock it, haha.  I'm still trying to figure out where to buy the large square scarves.  I'm going to buy a few online, but I hate not being able to see them before I buy them.

Anyway, here's a few pics to show what kind of head gear I'll be sporting.  Pardon my awkward expressions.

 Here's the current hair pre-hat/wig.  

Here's the wig-cap thing to make me look bald, haha. 

This is a free 'cap' that was donated by these woman who knit for the american cancer society.  

 Hat #1

       

Wrap #1 (had to)

      

Hat #2 with Wrap #1

     

Hat #3

    

Hat #4

Wrap #2 (still not sure how to tie them)

And....

The wig.  I tried it with some of the hats.  It'll take some getting used to.  

That's all for now. 

 

Makeup and clinical trials and radiation, oh my!

Part I:
So today was my radiation appointment.  It went about as well as it could.  I think deep down I knew that radiation was going to be in the cards, but for some reason I wanted them to tell me, "No, you don't need radiation, we got this."  Well, they didn't.  Dr. Kwon is the newest doctor on my dream team.  I love all my docs, but he was pretty cool.  He told it like it was, but also made sure to be a human being.  Most of the docs so far have been very "clinical".  That is their job, but it was nice to have someone talk to me at my level.  Troy and I have said from the beginning that if a doctor is somewhat arrogant, that's a good thing.  That means they are good at what they do, and that they probably have a pretty decent success rate.

My surgeons and the medical oncologist have all been pretty blunt and pretty confident in what they are doing.  It has been reassuring to say the least.  However, today it was kind of refreshing to have someone tell me what was going on in a way that was easy to understand, but somehow not condescending.

So what I will be needing is 5.5 weeks of radiation.  5 days/week (once a day), for a total of 28 sessions.

Here's the problem.  I start chemo this week.  If all goes well, I will be completely done with chemotherapy the second week of June.  Then, I wait 4-5 weeks and I start radiation.  Listen to how messed up my brain is.  I hear all of the positives and negatives of radiation.  Negatives: I get a really bad sunburn, I get tired, I have to come in once a day for 28 rounds, so it's an inconvenience, etc.  Positives? It takes my risk of recurrence from 10-15% to under 5%.  To me, that's enough of a positive. However, my crazy brain works this way.  I start doing math, and dates.  I realize that this will take me into the second or third week of school.  Immediately I freak out.  How the hell am I supposed to do this and be good for the school year.  Realistically, the treatments take about 15 minutes total.  Well, the treatments actually take about 3-4 minutes, but positioning me on the table and getting me situated takes the other 11-12 minutes.  The cancer center is pretty close to where I work, so I should be able to just get this done and go back to work.  I'm just really scared as to how the district/school will be able to figure it out.  I'm just worried about it.  So of course, I idiotically say this to the doc.  He then thinks I'm going to make a decision about whether or not to have radiation based on my job.  Which is crazy.  Absolutely crazy.  But, of course, I sound crazy.  Only I would panic about work, again.  Ugh.

For all of you out there who are reading this and thinking "why the hell would she care about that right now, she should focus on getting better," I AM focusing on that.  I am having the radiation done, and having it done on schedule.  Work will have to, well, work around it.  If they can't, then that is a bridge that I will have to cross at a later date.  My health really does come first.  I promise.


Part II.
I then had the "Look Good, Feel Better" class.  I walked in with my mom and realized, very quickly, that I was the youngest one there.  Noticing a trend?  I felt bad, in a way.  Here I was with my hair in tact, my eyebrows in tact, and my skin looking like average 28 year old skin.  Then, sitting at the table with me was a woman who was maybe in her mid to late 50s and her daughter who looked to be in her late 30s or early 40s--but this daughter was there as the supporter, not the supported.   Next to them was a woman who looked like she was in her late 60s.  She was alone, and was wearing a wig.  She had already started her treatments.  Next to her was another woman, in her late 40s or early 50s (it was hard to tell) who was also alone and had also started treatments.  Another woman who was a bit late came in straight from her radiation appointment, so she was clearly at the end of her treatment.

It was all a bit unsettling.  I got free makeup, that was a plus.  But, it made me that much more aware of how different I am.  I am very glad that I know someone else going through this who is closer to my age, because if I didn't, I think I was crazy.   I'm sure the tips in this class will come in handy eventually, but I felt like I was sort of cheating today.  I looked healthy, I could feel their eyes on me, and I swear I heard two of the presenters talking with the social worker about me...I heard snippets.   "No family history?...how did she find it?...etc. etc. etc."  I'm sure I'm exaggerating, but still.

I am kind of getting excited about the wigs and such.  I don't know why, I'm looking forward to trying them on and getting creative.  I really like my new haircut, and I think I'll like the pixie cut, too.  Afte all, I was told today that I have a face for short hair.  I'm going to go this week and buy a few wraps, and after tomorrow, I'll have the wig, too.

Part III.
I got into the clinical trial.  I won't know until Wednesday what group I'm in, but it is good to know that I got in.  I have to have an EKG and a blood test (which is really just a let's make sure you aren't pregnant test).  So out of everything, at least I got good news on that...hopefully I'm in the group that gets the herceptin.  Why not throw everything possible at this cancer.  I mean, really?

So, this was lengthy, but I think I've done a good job of updating you all. :)

Busy week

I haven't posted anything in a few days, and this is probably going to be short as well.  I have a busy week this week.

1. Radiation consult today--really hoping they tell me I don't need it...
2. Look good, feel better class this afternoon.
3. Visit from a good friend today :)
4. Wig fitting tomorrow--eek. 
5. Tomorrow night-Lady Bengals basketball game.  I'm excited, yet really nervous to go to it.  
6. Wednesday-another dentist appointment, and possibly a chemo class.  
7. Thursday: First round of chemotherapy.  Super nervous.  

That's just through Thursday.  Then, two good friends of ours are getting married this weekend.  I want to go, but I'm just not sure how chemo will effect me yet.  So we will see.  

I got another hair cut...

I really like it, but still not sure how to style it on my own.  Luckily, I won't have too long to worry about that.  

Hah!

I'll probably keep this until after the first round of chemo, then go one step further.  

Well, I'll update later after radiation appointment and such.  

Lacking creativity and inspiration

I don't really have a lot of material for an update.  I'm kind of lacking motivation right now.
well, I didn't think I had material, but I just read through this before hitting "publish," and apparently I do.  So, get ready to read.  

In terms of the medical BS, I had a doc appointment today to remove the dreaded mole.  It was easy.  Can't even tell it was there.  Love Dr. C (See previous posts for doctors, haha).

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow for the stupid cracked tooth/missing filling/whatever the heck it is.

Monday, I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist to see if I will be needing radiation.  Tuesday, I have a wig fitting in the morning, then my school is hosting a fundraiser for me.  I'm extremely grateful, while uncomfortable at the same time.  The money issue is just starting to hit us, and I'm still uneasy about accepting charity of any kind, let alone physical money.  I'm extremely grateful, I've just never been in this position before.

I'm beginning to get a little stressed with everything.  I have a lot of appointments to keep up with, and it's overwhelming.  On top of all of that, I have to make sure everything is taken care of with my district.  It's difficult, because I don't have a "normal" job.  As much as I love teaching, this experience has made me realize how much easier it would be to have a normal job.

I did have a mini panic attack today about work and all of the paperwork that has to be done.  It is just really confusing and I just wish that one person would take over and say "I'll do all of this for you."

Luckily, someone kind of did today.  I wasn't expecting it, but it helped that my employer said "You shouldn't be worrying about this, you tell anyone to call me and we'll straighten it out."  It made me feel better.

It's really confusing because the doctor hasn't said "You can't work."  But here's the problem:  I'm a teacher.  This poses several issues:

1. When I do have to be absent, I need a sub.  Which means: Sub plans.  Any of you teachers out there know that sub plans can never be as good for a student as having the teacher who knows the content present in the classroom.  
2. I'm around students.  Students (no matter what age) = germs.  Yucky germs.  If and when I do have days where my immune system is compromised (and from my understanding, it will be) I will not be able to be around these germs/students.  More days absent=more sub plans. 
3. My students education is at risk.  This sounds cheesy, but realistically if I am not able to be 100%  certain of my schedule and the days that I will/won't be present, the students will suffer.  

This whole thing just sucks.  I know that I joke about looking forward to relaxing and being home, but the truth is, I'm going to miss teaching this semester.  I had some great students, and I work with some pretty awesome people.  I love the classes that I teach, and I was really looking forward to trying some new things this year.  I know that I'll get that chance next year, but all of the paperwork and trying to convince people why I'll need the semester off (which still baffles me that I have to explain that...I think people don't understand chemo--I still don't understand it) has really made me realize that I DON'T want to be gone for the semester.   Oh well.  

Friday night we are going out to dinner for my birthday.  My birthday isn't until the 20th, but we're celebrating early as a family to get it out of the way before chemo starts.  My first round is the 17th (I think I said that already), so I'm preparing to be a bit  under the weather that weekend.  

I feel like this week and the beginning of next are kind of a tease.  I feel perfectly fine. Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing/how I'm feeling.  I'm feeling physically fine.  However, I think the emotional toll of it all is starting to kick in.  Honestly, I'm terrified.  I feel weird even typing that out, but I'm just now starting to admit it to myself.  I cried in bed with Troy the other night.  He's seriously my rock.  He knows just what I need.  He knows not to ask "what's wrong", and he even knows not to say "It's all going to be fine", because for some reason, I don't like hearing that.  He knows to just tell me that he's scared too, and that he's here.  He just knows.  I'm even getting slightly emotional typing this.  Everything is just getting very real.  Wig appointments, classes to teach me how to make myself "pretty" while undergoing chemotherapy, social workers, radiation appointments, bra shopping (I never thought I could hate it more than I already did, but I do), echocardiograms, lab work, etc.  It's just a lot. I feel strong and positive, and for the most part, I am, but I am human.  Maybe some people will be happy to hear that, haha (not that I'm sad, just that I'm human). 

Well, my lack of creativity apparently just means that I'm more mopey than usual.  It's also a lot easier to dwell on things when I don't have Troy here to distract me.  He's on an overnight business trip--being awesome--so I think I'm just missing having him here.  I'm so proud of him with this new job.  I know he's really happy with it.  

Well, I'll leave you all with a happy thought.  This is Marie's favorite song right now. 

This is my child.  Every time it comes on. 

Goodnight cyberspace.   

 

New car

Not really.  I didn't get a new car.  I want one.  Don't know why, but I do.

I'm talking about a theory that Troy has come up with.  You know when you get a new car...one that maybe you didn't see around that much...but when you actually buy it, all of a sudden it's everywhere?  You know the phenomenon I'm talking about.  Even this...Troy got this car for work.  It's a car/van thing that I swear I've never seen before.  Now, they are everywhere!!!

Well, I feel like cancer is my new car.  EVERYWHERE I look, I'm immersed in it.  Driving down the street, I swear I can count 6 pink ribbon license plates in a 5 minute span.  TV--ALWAYS showing Susan G. Komen/Avon walk for the cure/etc. commercials.  ALWAYS.  All of a sudden people in my social circles all seem to have some sort of connection with it.  

I'm sure it was always there before, but now it's definitely around--all. the. time.  

Anyway, in medical news: I had an echocardiogram today.  It's basically a fancy ultrasound of my heart.  Apparently my heart has to be strong to undergo chemo, and even stronger if I get put on herceptin.   

I had never had one of these before, so I didn't know what to expect.  When I went to check in, the registration secretary started our routine:

Her: Here is your consent form the one that you have probably signed about 30 times so far

Me: **signs form**

Her: When is your birthday?

Me: **le sigh** 1/20/84

Her: **hesitates** Wow...you are so young....to be....you know....going.through.this.  

Me: Yeah.  I get that a lot. 

Her: Do you have a family history?

Me: Nope.

Her: Wow. 

Me: yep. 

Her: I'm sorry. 

Me: It's ok.  I'm just taking it day by day.  Taking care of everything I need to take care of...**gives her look hinting that echocardiogram is the next thing that needs taking care of**

Her: Oh, I'm sorry.  You are all set, just wait on the couches to your left.  

Me: **shuffles over to couches**

Now, at the couches, there were several people seated.  ALL OF WHOM WERE OVER THE AGE OF 60.  I swear, with each new appointment/doctor/nurse (or anyone else I come in contact with because of my diagnosis) I am constantly reminded that I am way too young for this.

As I sit there stewing in my youth, a woman in blue scrubs comes out and says: Lisa?

Welp, that's me.  

Our exchange goes as follows...

Her: **takes me to exam room** Have you ever had an echocardiogram before?

Me: **seriously?** Nope.  

Her: Well, we will do an ultrasound of the heart, so I'll need you to undress from waist up and put on this gown.

Me: Ok

***Changes while she leaves**

Her: **re-enters** So, what have you had done so far?

Me: **laying on table with breasts pretty much exposed** Well, they did a double mastectomy and started reconstruction...

Her: **as if just realizing why I'm there** Oh...**looks at chart** You're.really.young.

Me: **Le Sigh...again** Yep.  

UGH.  Anyway, the test kind of hurt a bit.  I mean they took an ultrasound wand and shoved it up against my recently sliced open chest (sorry for being graphic, but you know...)

Today was good.  We went to great clips and got hair cuts after my appointment.  Marie, my mom and I all got hair cuts.  I was intending on getting Marie's trimmed, but when she saw mine short, she said "I want it like mommy's".  So, she got it.  I've been contemplating cutting her hair shorter for a while, so we went a bit shorter than shoulder-length.  Here are some fun pics.

 

 

 

....and here's my haircut.  I'm not too thrilled with this one.  I'm looking more forward to the next one.  We'll see.  

Had a talk with a great friend today.  Apparently we're connected through our brains ;)  It's nice to have kindred spirits out there. Michelle, thanks for reading, and for reading my mind, haha.   

Short and sweet (not so sweet, I'm probably going to be mean, haha)

Just want to put a brief note to all my teacher friends...

While I am slightly upset that I'm not coming back to work this semester for many reasons, I've been trying to stay positive.  So, here's me being positive about my situation and continuing to look on the bright side....


Na na na na boo boo, you have to go back to work and I don't!  HAHAHAHA.

never mind that I have cancer and I'm super freaked out about why I'm not going back to work

But HAHAHAHAHA.

This post was in no way meant to imply that I'm grateful that I'm not going back.  It's just, I have to look at things positively no matter how shitty they are.  And, I will gladly take another two weeks at home with my daughter while I feel relatively healthy before chemotherapy begins to kick my ass.


So, teacher friends, have fun waking up SUPER early tomorrow.

I was really stupid and scheduled my EKG for super early tomorrow so I will be up with you.

Have fun lesson planning, grading, and dealing with the kids in whatever state their parents send them back to school in.

But seriously, good luck to all of you going back.  I hope the rest of your school year is awesome.  You all have great kids (especially those at my school-haha), and they are lucky to have you all as teachers/staff members.  I'm sure that your semester will fly by and before you know it you will be posting your countdowns for summer vacation.  I miss you all!  Feel free to email me and call me while you are at work if you are looking for a break!  Love you all!