Busy week

I haven't posted anything in a few days, and this is probably going to be short as well.  I have a busy week this week.

1. Radiation consult today--really hoping they tell me I don't need it...
2. Look good, feel better class this afternoon.
3. Visit from a good friend today :)
4. Wig fitting tomorrow--eek. 
5. Tomorrow night-Lady Bengals basketball game.  I'm excited, yet really nervous to go to it.  
6. Wednesday-another dentist appointment, and possibly a chemo class.  
7. Thursday: First round of chemotherapy.  Super nervous.  

That's just through Thursday.  Then, two good friends of ours are getting married this weekend.  I want to go, but I'm just not sure how chemo will effect me yet.  So we will see.  

I got another hair cut...

I really like it, but still not sure how to style it on my own.  Luckily, I won't have too long to worry about that.  

Hah!

I'll probably keep this until after the first round of chemo, then go one step further.  

Well, I'll update later after radiation appointment and such.  

Lacking creativity and inspiration

I don't really have a lot of material for an update.  I'm kind of lacking motivation right now.
well, I didn't think I had material, but I just read through this before hitting "publish," and apparently I do.  So, get ready to read.  

In terms of the medical BS, I had a doc appointment today to remove the dreaded mole.  It was easy.  Can't even tell it was there.  Love Dr. C (See previous posts for doctors, haha).

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow for the stupid cracked tooth/missing filling/whatever the heck it is.

Monday, I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist to see if I will be needing radiation.  Tuesday, I have a wig fitting in the morning, then my school is hosting a fundraiser for me.  I'm extremely grateful, while uncomfortable at the same time.  The money issue is just starting to hit us, and I'm still uneasy about accepting charity of any kind, let alone physical money.  I'm extremely grateful, I've just never been in this position before.

I'm beginning to get a little stressed with everything.  I have a lot of appointments to keep up with, and it's overwhelming.  On top of all of that, I have to make sure everything is taken care of with my district.  It's difficult, because I don't have a "normal" job.  As much as I love teaching, this experience has made me realize how much easier it would be to have a normal job.

I did have a mini panic attack today about work and all of the paperwork that has to be done.  It is just really confusing and I just wish that one person would take over and say "I'll do all of this for you."

Luckily, someone kind of did today.  I wasn't expecting it, but it helped that my employer said "You shouldn't be worrying about this, you tell anyone to call me and we'll straighten it out."  It made me feel better.

It's really confusing because the doctor hasn't said "You can't work."  But here's the problem:  I'm a teacher.  This poses several issues:

1. When I do have to be absent, I need a sub.  Which means: Sub plans.  Any of you teachers out there know that sub plans can never be as good for a student as having the teacher who knows the content present in the classroom.  
2. I'm around students.  Students (no matter what age) = germs.  Yucky germs.  If and when I do have days where my immune system is compromised (and from my understanding, it will be) I will not be able to be around these germs/students.  More days absent=more sub plans. 
3. My students education is at risk.  This sounds cheesy, but realistically if I am not able to be 100%  certain of my schedule and the days that I will/won't be present, the students will suffer.  

This whole thing just sucks.  I know that I joke about looking forward to relaxing and being home, but the truth is, I'm going to miss teaching this semester.  I had some great students, and I work with some pretty awesome people.  I love the classes that I teach, and I was really looking forward to trying some new things this year.  I know that I'll get that chance next year, but all of the paperwork and trying to convince people why I'll need the semester off (which still baffles me that I have to explain that...I think people don't understand chemo--I still don't understand it) has really made me realize that I DON'T want to be gone for the semester.   Oh well.  

Friday night we are going out to dinner for my birthday.  My birthday isn't until the 20th, but we're celebrating early as a family to get it out of the way before chemo starts.  My first round is the 17th (I think I said that already), so I'm preparing to be a bit  under the weather that weekend.  

I feel like this week and the beginning of next are kind of a tease.  I feel perfectly fine. Everyone keeps asking how I'm doing/how I'm feeling.  I'm feeling physically fine.  However, I think the emotional toll of it all is starting to kick in.  Honestly, I'm terrified.  I feel weird even typing that out, but I'm just now starting to admit it to myself.  I cried in bed with Troy the other night.  He's seriously my rock.  He knows just what I need.  He knows not to ask "what's wrong", and he even knows not to say "It's all going to be fine", because for some reason, I don't like hearing that.  He knows to just tell me that he's scared too, and that he's here.  He just knows.  I'm even getting slightly emotional typing this.  Everything is just getting very real.  Wig appointments, classes to teach me how to make myself "pretty" while undergoing chemotherapy, social workers, radiation appointments, bra shopping (I never thought I could hate it more than I already did, but I do), echocardiograms, lab work, etc.  It's just a lot. I feel strong and positive, and for the most part, I am, but I am human.  Maybe some people will be happy to hear that, haha (not that I'm sad, just that I'm human). 

Well, my lack of creativity apparently just means that I'm more mopey than usual.  It's also a lot easier to dwell on things when I don't have Troy here to distract me.  He's on an overnight business trip--being awesome--so I think I'm just missing having him here.  I'm so proud of him with this new job.  I know he's really happy with it.  

Well, I'll leave you all with a happy thought.  This is Marie's favorite song right now. 

This is my child.  Every time it comes on. 

Goodnight cyberspace.   

 

New car

Not really.  I didn't get a new car.  I want one.  Don't know why, but I do.

I'm talking about a theory that Troy has come up with.  You know when you get a new car...one that maybe you didn't see around that much...but when you actually buy it, all of a sudden it's everywhere?  You know the phenomenon I'm talking about.  Even this...Troy got this car for work.  It's a car/van thing that I swear I've never seen before.  Now, they are everywhere!!!

Well, I feel like cancer is my new car.  EVERYWHERE I look, I'm immersed in it.  Driving down the street, I swear I can count 6 pink ribbon license plates in a 5 minute span.  TV--ALWAYS showing Susan G. Komen/Avon walk for the cure/etc. commercials.  ALWAYS.  All of a sudden people in my social circles all seem to have some sort of connection with it.  

I'm sure it was always there before, but now it's definitely around--all. the. time.  

Anyway, in medical news: I had an echocardiogram today.  It's basically a fancy ultrasound of my heart.  Apparently my heart has to be strong to undergo chemo, and even stronger if I get put on herceptin.   

I had never had one of these before, so I didn't know what to expect.  When I went to check in, the registration secretary started our routine:

Her: Here is your consent form the one that you have probably signed about 30 times so far

Me: **signs form**

Her: When is your birthday?

Me: **le sigh** 1/20/84

Her: **hesitates** Wow...you are so young....to be....you know....going.through.this.  

Me: Yeah.  I get that a lot. 

Her: Do you have a family history?

Me: Nope.

Her: Wow. 

Me: yep. 

Her: I'm sorry. 

Me: It's ok.  I'm just taking it day by day.  Taking care of everything I need to take care of...**gives her look hinting that echocardiogram is the next thing that needs taking care of**

Her: Oh, I'm sorry.  You are all set, just wait on the couches to your left.  

Me: **shuffles over to couches**

Now, at the couches, there were several people seated.  ALL OF WHOM WERE OVER THE AGE OF 60.  I swear, with each new appointment/doctor/nurse (or anyone else I come in contact with because of my diagnosis) I am constantly reminded that I am way too young for this.

As I sit there stewing in my youth, a woman in blue scrubs comes out and says: Lisa?

Welp, that's me.  

Our exchange goes as follows...

Her: **takes me to exam room** Have you ever had an echocardiogram before?

Me: **seriously?** Nope.  

Her: Well, we will do an ultrasound of the heart, so I'll need you to undress from waist up and put on this gown.

Me: Ok

***Changes while she leaves**

Her: **re-enters** So, what have you had done so far?

Me: **laying on table with breasts pretty much exposed** Well, they did a double mastectomy and started reconstruction...

Her: **as if just realizing why I'm there** Oh...**looks at chart** You're.really.young.

Me: **Le Sigh...again** Yep.  

UGH.  Anyway, the test kind of hurt a bit.  I mean they took an ultrasound wand and shoved it up against my recently sliced open chest (sorry for being graphic, but you know...)

Today was good.  We went to great clips and got hair cuts after my appointment.  Marie, my mom and I all got hair cuts.  I was intending on getting Marie's trimmed, but when she saw mine short, she said "I want it like mommy's".  So, she got it.  I've been contemplating cutting her hair shorter for a while, so we went a bit shorter than shoulder-length.  Here are some fun pics.

 

 

 

....and here's my haircut.  I'm not too thrilled with this one.  I'm looking more forward to the next one.  We'll see.  

Had a talk with a great friend today.  Apparently we're connected through our brains ;)  It's nice to have kindred spirits out there. Michelle, thanks for reading, and for reading my mind, haha.   

Short and sweet (not so sweet, I'm probably going to be mean, haha)

Just want to put a brief note to all my teacher friends...

While I am slightly upset that I'm not coming back to work this semester for many reasons, I've been trying to stay positive.  So, here's me being positive about my situation and continuing to look on the bright side....


Na na na na boo boo, you have to go back to work and I don't!  HAHAHAHA.

never mind that I have cancer and I'm super freaked out about why I'm not going back to work

But HAHAHAHAHA.

This post was in no way meant to imply that I'm grateful that I'm not going back.  It's just, I have to look at things positively no matter how shitty they are.  And, I will gladly take another two weeks at home with my daughter while I feel relatively healthy before chemotherapy begins to kick my ass.


So, teacher friends, have fun waking up SUPER early tomorrow.

I was really stupid and scheduled my EKG for super early tomorrow so I will be up with you.

Have fun lesson planning, grading, and dealing with the kids in whatever state their parents send them back to school in.

But seriously, good luck to all of you going back.  I hope the rest of your school year is awesome.  You all have great kids (especially those at my school-haha), and they are lucky to have you all as teachers/staff members.  I'm sure that your semester will fly by and before you know it you will be posting your countdowns for summer vacation.  I miss you all!  Feel free to email me and call me while you are at work if you are looking for a break!  Love you all!

Facebook

So, this post is not meant to offend anyone, it is just meant for me to vent for a minute.

I feel like cancer has ruined Facebook for me.  It has already ruined (or will soon ruin):

• Disney Trip
• My Breasts
• My Nipples (sorry, dad)
• My hair
• My taste buds (or so I hear)
• The remainder of my school year
• and I'm sure a lot of things will be added to this list as I begin chemo...

But NOW?!  Facebook, too?  Really, cancer? REALLY!?

I haven't been super addicted to Facebook, but I do occasionally check it, and honestly since I've been home, I have been using it more often.  But now, some of the posts just really piss me off.  I love reading about peoples families, their holidays, seeing pictures of people doing fun things.  These are the things I love.  I have a lot of friends that are really funny, too.  So overall, Facebook still has its perks.  However, I feel like even though I've been strong, when I see certain complaints, I just want to scream (or comment in all caps) I HAVE CANCER--CAN YOU STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SNOW?!?!  <----this is a bit of an exaggeration in terms of the types of posts I am talking about, but you get the point.  

Now, my fellow breast cancer comrade (survivor, fighter, warrior, insert clever name for someone battling breast cancer here) brought up the very true sentiment that if we didn't have breast cancer, we would most likely be posting about mundane things, too.  This is very true.  I completely agree.  But, still.  I find it slightly annoying that people complain about things that I wish were the only things that I had to worry about.  I think it's mainly my jealousy that I can't complain about those things.  That's one of the reasons I started this blog.  People can choose to read about my complaints (and I'm sure there will be many).  My current Facebook statuses would look something like this: 

This cancer crap really puts things in perspective.  I mean, certain things become less important, I guess.  

On a lighter and brighter note.  I have the best daughter in the world.  Never-mind that I am biased, and that she will probably be my only daughter (a wise woman once told me that the more you say something out loud--or in this case through typing--the less power it has, so I will be referring to cancer/not being able to have kids a lot.  If it bothers you, stop reading), she is just completely amazing.  Today, we went to "Grandma Jackie's" for a belated Christmas celebration.  We were able to spend a good day with family, although Marie was a bit unhappy with the lack of presents in her pile....

She was so great and so grateful.  She said "I love it! I love it! I love it!" after each present.  Whether it was clothes (I always thought clothing was a boring present as a kid--now I love it), or toys, she loved them all.  Great kid.  

Tonight, she let me give her a bath (she's hated those lately), and then she wanted to watch a movie.  We went upstairs and I was about to put one in, but she started playing with her dollhouse.  I asked her if she would rather play with her dollhouse, or watch a movie.  She said "I want to play with my dollhouse with you, mommy."

We played for about 30 minutes.  So cute.  Then, she let me and Troy read to her, and said "If I sleep in my bed all night, I get a sticker." She's been really good about sleeping in her bed (well, for two nights).  

It was a great night, and now, Friends is on.  Time to watch TV until I drift into dreamland.  

On the road!

So today we are heading to visit my in-laws for a belated Xmas celebration. We are all very excited. It should be a great day. I love heading to Freeport and seeing troys family. Marie is very excited to see grandma Jackie and uncle Travis!

I went to the doctor yesterday. Dr. M said I looked great. My scars are healing "beautifully". Whenever they say that I always think "well, how often do you work with 28 year old skin?" He also mentioned that he spoke with Dr. H about me. He said he refers to me as the 28 year old, and that doctor Hantel said, "I know who Lisa marcum is." This means I'm an important case I guess. But, also, I'd hope that my docs know me, haha.

Another stop yesterday was the cancer center so that I could sign my life away for the study. It was a very long very scary packet, but I signed it anyway. I found out that my first day of chemo will hopefully be January 17th. This means, if I react the same way as my new friend, my birthday(1/20) will suck. Oh well. It will give me that much more reason to celebrate next year.

That's all for now. Sorry for any mistakes-blogging from the phone this morning.

fun morning

I am continually amazed by how awesome my little girl can be.  I slept funny last night, so when I woke up this morning I was in a bit of pain.  I woke up at 7:00 to Marie climbing in my bed saying "Good morning, I want to eat crunchy crunch with you".  I told her to wait and cuddle with me until I was ready to get up.  She watched an episode of Mickey..while I realized that she had slept in her bed all night....For those of you who know how much I've struggled with this since the move, this is a big deal.  She even asked me "Mommy, you slept in your bed all night, too.  Do you get a sticker?" So yes, today we will be purchasing her a new 2013 calendar with a fun set of stickers.

She then went downstairs, brought me up a Diet Coke (yes, she knows my addiction), a pop tart (I didn't even know we had any left), and sat with me while we shared "breakfast" (I use the term loosely).  THEN, she said "I'm going to play with my dollhouse".  She went into her room--which is attached to ours through a jack-and-jill type bathroom--and she played with all of her Christmas toys.  I sat in my room and watched House.  This is how the next hour passed:

Marie: MOMMY?!
Me: Yes?
Marie: I LOVE YOU!
Me: I love you too! :-)
Marie: MOMMY?!?!
Me: Yes?
Marie: Can the mommy drive the van?!? --(This relates to her dollhouse toys)
Me: Of course sweetie!
Marie: Mommy?!?!?
Me: Yes?
Marie: I LOVE YOU!
Me: I love you too!!

And hit repeat about thirty times.  So cute.

Then-we did this: